belated blog-iversary

"People change all the time and forget to tell each other."

Lillian Gershwin

A little over a week ago, on a wholly blessed trip back home to the Pacific Northwest, I did it.  I chopped off my hair.  It was a spur of the moment decision, one only made at a trusted salon and with my super supportive sweetheart by my side.  I have no idea how to style it each morning (Have I mentioned that I have the lowest-maintenance beauty regimen ever?), but the change was made. 

You're probably wondering where I am going with this.  It's not often that I choose to talk about my hair (it's pretty unspectacular, as far as I am concerned)... but stay with me. For the first few days, I was deeply aware of the transition -- trying to find my way around a blow-dryer again, grateful for excited comments from family and friends.  But, after a few days, after returning to Flagstaff and daily routines, I found myself completely forgetting that, just last week, I had a set of long, luscious locks.  Co-workers and friends would comment about my "new do," and I would find myself searching for a few moments to remember that I did indeed look strikingly different from the last time they had seen me.  The novelty, the conscious recognition of change had worn off, and it took friends, family, the outside world to remind me that there had indeed been a transformation.

Last week, on my Facebook page (have you had a chance to "like" it yet?), I shared a link to a blog post by Danielle LaPorte on Celebrating Your Evolution.  In the post, she speaks about recognizing our transformation, acknowledging our changes and, as the title would suggest, celebrating our evolution! 

I am regrettably about a month behind in recognizing this, but, in August, To Live Boldly celebrated it's one year anniversary! Can you believe it? One year of reflection, 365 days of self-disclosure, 12 months of transformations in vulnerability and wellness.  A year of experimentation, of introspection, and of growth. A year of falling on my face, of risk-taking, of blunders that lead to joyful self-discovery.

Danielle's post inspired me to think about this past year of life in Flagstaff and the transformations, both painful and natural, that have occurred from taking this big, fat risk.  How do I see the world differently?  Where have my priorities changed?  How do I look at myself differently now?  My partner? My loved ones?

My world has changed dramatically.  I still seek and search and honestly have no idea what the future will bring, but I have discovered passion and self-acceptance and greater depths of joy.  My relationships have transformed, growing deeper as they change shape.  My desires for myself, my future, my health have shifted, and my ability to prioritize my joy is finally taking form.

I have been anxiously awaiting the shift into a new season -- there is a refreshing newness that comes with the turning of the leaves -- and what better time to take a moment to celebrate all that has transformed since we last welcomed Autumn?

What about you?  Whether in the last month, last year, or last ten years, take a moment to appreciate your transformation.

i'm doing something beautiful

"These animals... you gotta take care of them... and not eat them."

you're beautiful

It's true.

You are beautiful.

musical reflections: guest blogger

In a sea of junk mail and over-zealous mass marketing, my favorite emails to receive (other than your comments, of course!) are those that come from my youngest sister, who is - at the age of twelve - the most perfectly ridiculous and creative little spitfire I've ever met (don't tell her I told you...).  Each week,   she sends a different combination of family members -- parents, sisters, brother, our sweethearts -- the best emails in the world.  Sometimes absurd and other times reflective, she continues to amaze me with her imagination, complete ridiculousness and depth.

Instead of our usual toliveboldly post, the little spitfire has given me permission to repost one of my favorite emails.  Whether or not you connect with the message or feel the same way, I find myself deeply inspired (and unbelievably proud) by the depth and passion behind her reflection.  Without further ado, please help me welcome our first guest blogger: the infamous "Yoshi" Krueger**!!!

**Obviously not her real name... though I'm pretty positive that she wishes it was.

"Inspiration"

I've got an inspiration about something. You know how I'm appalled about music not being in therapy, because it can positively effect a persons' mood?!

I was listening to Home by Phillip Phillips, when it got me inspired... listen to the song.

Close your eyes and let it fill you with it's melody.  It really does have an effect.

It's amazing what some lyrics and a melody will do to a person. It's truly inspiring.

The melody is simple with simple lyrics, but together they are perfect.

Music defines us.  It can effect us emotionally in ways that even the most aggravating person can't compete with.  It fills me with... joy, pride, happiness?

Watch August Rush, then you'll get a better feel for what it does. 

"It" meaning music. Any kind. It doesn't matter as long as it has an imprint on you.

Then hold onto that feeling and keep it with you for the rest of the day.

That's your homework.

1. Listen to Home by Phillip Phillips.

2. Really listen, but don't strain yourself.

3. Watch August Rush.

4. Find a piece of music or a song that will give you something to hold onto.

5. Keep that feeling for the rest of the day.

6. Email me back (or comment) and tell me what you feel.

Personally, I get this tingly feeling coursing through my veins.

That's what I'm talking about.

That sense of pride or hope.  It fills you.  It consumes you.

In a good way of course.

inspired to action

As I mentioned last week, there have been a ton of (beautiful) changes in the past month or so that are taking some time to process.  However, all of the transition -- it seems to be almost constant transition -- has not slowed down my voracious appetite for knowledge!

Over the last few months, as I have begun to unpack my passion for healthy living, I have been saddened, enlivened, heartbroken and inspired by what I have been learning.  From how we exercise to our search for mindful living, from holistic medicine to what we eat, our daily habits transform how we live out our lives.  And the more that I learn, the more I realize how my ignorance has shaped my unhealthy habits and how greater knowledge is helping me live both with greater self-compassion and greater compassion for the world (and environment) around me.

What about YOU?!  What inspires you to live well and with greater compassion?!  What habits have you created to live boldly?  Do you have a book, a movie, a piece of research that has transformed your choices?  I want to know!

smoothie heaven

My deepest apologies for the delay in posting!  I have spent the last few weeks starting some new things within my job, changing some major parts of my daily health routine, and... drum-roll, please... enrolling in a program to become a Health and Wellness Coach!  Working hard to process it all - I beg your forgiveness in the meantime!

A few weeks ago, I asked my favorite readers (psst... that's YOU) for their favorite smoothie recipes!  I have been in smoothie heaven lately, loving the summery feeling of all that fruit, getting some delicious and delightful nutrients, and growing in inspiration as I explore different combinations.  

Here is our winning entry, by the lovely Mary! It's an incredible combination of nutrients. 

Note: These measurements are just estimates!  That's the beauty of smoothie-making, explore to make the smoothie fit your taste-buds! 

1.5 c. Vanilla Coconut Milk (Mary suggests "SoDelicious" because it's seriously so delicious!  I agree!)

1 c. frozen raspberries

1 handful of spinach

1 TBSP ground flax

1/2 to 1 banana

1-2 TBSP of PB2 Powdered Peanut Butter (depending on your love of peanut butter)

Toss 'em all into a blender and make it happen!

I love learning from YOU all, as readers -- out there fighting the fight, living lives of health!  Come be a part of the toliveboldly experience!  What inspires you to make healthy choices?! Do you have a favorite blog, movie, article, daily piece of inspiration?!  I want to know!

love's forms

This past Saturday, my sweetheart and I celebrated a belated Valentine's Day.  True to the values of our relationship, we made it low key, chatting leisurely over a cup of coffee and settling in for pizza at a neighborhood hangout.  While I have never been one for the classic romantic Valentine's Day celebration, I have always loved, well, LOVE.  I am fascinated by relationship, captivated by deep vulnerability, and encouraged as I watch families, partners and friends walk through broken hearts, tension and intense challenge.  I am enlivened by the joy found only in authentic relationship, deeply moved by displays of genuine affection, and grateful everyday for the great loves in my life.

Whether or not you celebrate Valentine's Day, whether it's with a partner, good friends, or on your own, and despite the red and white distractions perched on store shelves, for me, the day provides an opportunity to reflect on love in all its forms.

I have been ridiculously lucky in love.  I'm not talking about romantic love, though my many years of singleness have certainly paid off with my very handsome honey.  

For me, my great loves, my true loves... well, they're my family.  Hilarious and warm, my story only makes sense in the context of their ridiculous humor and deep and unconditional love.  I don't even know if there are words to express how true and deep and foundational my love is for them.  From them, I inherited the most foundational parts of who I am: my humor, my compassion, my ability to be angry and love deeply simultaneously.  From them I learned that I am wholly and unconditionally loved, priceless, worthy.  In no way are we perfect, cursed by the same pain, separation and heartache that most families face, our story deepened by grief and loss, my parents' separation, and our individual challenges.  But the love is deep, the forgiveness real, and the gratitude unending.  In a month where sappy romantic love is idealized, the fairy tale ending - chock full of Bachelor-esque grandiosity - glorified, it is the simplicity of our family's love that leaves me speechless.

I am strikingly aware that what we have is rare, that family is chosen and not always born. And my deepest hope is that you too get to share your life and your love with your great loves, whoever they might be.

P.S. This is where I come from.

make the time

Via SoulPancake, a video that will break your heart in the very best way.

Find 12 minutes in your day.  Oh, and bring the tissues.

intention

"The Constitution only guarantees the American people 

the right to pursue happiness. 

You have to catch it yourself."  

.:Benjamin Franklin:.

Last month, as we rang in the new year, I wrote about the role of happiness in our lives and creating a small, manageable set of goals with the intention of making room for more happiness and joy.  I began, just as Gretchen Rubin did in her book, The Happiness Project, setting goals that would enliven and energize my daily life.  Working out, sleeping more, de-cluttering my home to make room for more joy (not to mention the clarity that comes with a de-cluttered space).  

Honestly, while I was deeply enthused and excited about the possibilities of creating a "happiness practice," I had no idea that, with my new practice, I would be setting in motion a personal theme for 2013.  Only one month into 2013, I can say that this year has already brought with it an intensity that has challenged my deepest intentions to think positively, make healthy and whole-hearted decisions, and be courageous in my daily life.  And, I'm not alone.  In a moment in history where Americans ages 18-33 are reporting significantly higher levels of stress than their older counterparts, the circumstances of everyday life have the power to wear a person down.

Last week, as I caught up with my brother in Boston, he said, "You know, every time I get caught up on somebody's life in our family, it seems like our circumstances are trying to one-up each other in terms of how hard they can be.  At the moment, I'd say your life is in the lead." I laughed and reminded him that, in the scheme of things (or, as my mom raised us to think, on the scale of human tragedy), the circumstances of the moment have very little impact on how ridiculously joy-filled my (very blessed) life is.  I mean... I get to live an adventure-filled, passion-igniting and gratitude-increasing life alongside my best friend in the world and with the overwhelming love and support of a freakishly amazing family.  And the adversity of the moment can do little to change that.

This weekend, my sweetheart and I watched the film Happy, which chronicles the lives of individuals around the world and explores what makes us, as humans, truly happy (like I said, a completely unintentional continuation of this years' theme).  Scientists have found that, while genetics determine, on average, 50% of our happiness levels, our life circumstances determine a mere 10% of our overall happiness.  The remaining forty percent?!  This is made up of our intentional behavior - the positive practices that we have put in place to increase our happiness.  They identify six universal elements of happiness: 

Play

Practicing gratitude

Compassion and altruism

Connection to community

Mindfulness (they call this a "flow state")

Exploring something new

Consider this a monthly check-in.  What intentional practices have you put in place this year?  Take stock of the goals you have set for yourself. Where are you in reaching these goals?  

sick-day secrets

Photo Credit: P. McCarthy, 2013

What with working with a half-dozen families, spending hours upon hours in a muggy office with flu-ridden co-workers, and babysitting two very sick kids for the week, it's no wonder that, yet again, I have come down with a bug.  I've felt my body fight valiantly over the past few days, but... alas... it's a weekend of rest and hydrating liquids for me.  As my mind succumbs to the foggy power of my last dose of NyQuil, I thought that I would leave you with some weekend inspiration!  May your weekend be blessed with warmth, love and health!

This blog is like crack for the art lover.

I need a vacation like this.

Did you need another reason not to eat these things?

Love this relationship advice.

Wellness in The City.

What would you do if money was no object?

xx

P.S. After months of wavering back and forth, we finally bought a blender!  What's your favorite healthy smoothie recipe?!  The best recipe will be featured in an upcoming post!

not cool, robert frost

Two roads diverged in the woods,

and I took the road less traveled.

And it hurt, man!

Really bad.

Rocks!

Thorns!

And glass!

... not cool, Robert Frost!

But what if there really were two paths?

I would be on the one that leads to awesome.

holding gratitude

 

 

"Piglet noticed that though he had a Very Small Heart,

it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude."

-A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh-

 

I am grateful.

 

In the midst of a crazy week, hours cut at work, insurance benefits lost, and the anxiety that surrounds the question of What Next?, I am grateful.

 

For opportunity.

For the undeniable blessing of the basics.

For a family that spans space, time, and bloodlines.

For hours upon hours of The Office on Netflix.

For the ability to ask What Next?

For more time to write.

For a sometimes-too-full belly.

For a warm home filled with loving, warm bodies.

For cuddles.  And hugs.  And sweet words of affection.

For more time to read.

For a loving, hilarious sweetheart who understands me.

For a comforting savings account.

For growth.

For what is known.

For what is unknown and possible.

For more time to workout.

For health and happiness.

For passion.

For sitting in the anxiety of what might be.

For phone calls.

For plane tickets.

For compassion, understanding and deep love.

For rainy days that remind me of home.

For a clean bill of health.

For deeper learning and joyful exploration.

For adventure.

For more things than I could list in a lifetime.

 

What about you?

 

 



love embodied.

secrets of adulthood

I am loving this book!  While reading The Happiness Project, I discovered author Gretchen Rubin's hilarious "Secrets of Adulthood" -- and I had to share!  

Do you have any secrets of adulthood to share?!

SECRETS OF ADULTHOOD

People don't notice your mistakes as much as you think.

It's okay to ask for help.

Most decisions don't require extensive research.

Do good, feel good.

It's important to be nice to everyone.

Bring a sweater.

By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished.

Soap and water remove most stains.

Turning the computer on and off a few times often fixes a glitch.

If you can't find something, clean up.

You can choose what you do; you can't choose what you like to do.

Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy.

What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while.

You don't have to be good at everything.

If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough.

Over-the-counter medicines are very effective.

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

What's fun for other people may not be fun for you - and vice versa.

People actually prefer that you buy wedding gifts off their registry.

You can't profoundly change your children's natures by 

nagging them or signing them up for classes.

No deposit, no return.

the new fat

Word on the street is that stress is the "new fat."  In a culture where the new year brings a slew of hopeful (albeit usually broken) weight loss resolutions, research shows that we may (cough, cough, may?!) be focusing on the wrong side of the equation.  Janesse Bruce, a health and wellness media veteran, writes: "I see that the obesity crisis now has a sister crisis that threatens to knock it out of top billing: stress. Like its sibling, stress is an economic, medical and social problem of epidemic proportion and is making us emotionally depleted, physically sick, and, incidentally, fatter." 

We are a society bathing in stress.  We are traumatized, repeatedly, by the news media, stretched to our financial limits by American consumer habits, challenged to perfection by corporate competition, and exhausted by expectations.  And it shows.  Just like with our weight loss goals, we look for quick fixes and surface-level lifestyle shifts to make the change.  As Brene Brown says, "We are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history." 

It's at this point that I make a vulnerable admission.  Despite my greatest personal hopes and expectations, attempts at lifestyle transformation, and... the fact that I write a blog focused on health and wellness, I am a walking knot of anxiety and stress. 

I'll be completely honest and admit to the fact that I am naturally (and probably genetically) high-anxiety and a true perfectionist -- cue the monthly financial freakout and my-house-is-too-cluttered heart palpitations.  But the past month - with the threat of cuts at work, a car accident, and a bout with the flu - has been particularly anxiety-fueled.  And, instead of relying on my well-researched, wellness-based methods of stress-relief, my default patterns of self-destruction include a menagerie of sugary treats, mind-numbing tv shows, and hours of "what if" ruminating.  Rather than cultivating practices of mindfulness and gratitude, I have found myself knee-deep in anxiety, my mind spinning with future worries.  And it's not only my thoughts that have been consumed... the stress trickles out into conversations and interactions with those that I love most.

Something needs to change.

I am not typically one that believes in New Year's resolutions.  When almost 80% of New Year's resolutions are broken... well, I can't put much stock in their power.  However, I am one for making goals.  Small, manageable, reachable goals.  Research continues to show that goal setting is transformative for success -- whether it's physical, emotional or fiscal.

While going through one of my "my-house-is-too-cluttered" anxiety-fests last week, I took a gander at one of my bookshelves and glanced upon a book that I had purchased years ago but never managed to read...

THE HAPPINESS PROJECT: 

Or why I spent a year trying to sing in the morning,

clean my closets, fight right, read Aristotle, and generally have more fun.

Gretchen Rubin writes with brilliant authenticity, allowing readers, allowing me, to openly approach the idea of making small, concrete goals to make more room for joy.  By exploring the works of famous philosophers and reputable academics, the book chronicles her monthly happiness project, making small, manageable changes in her daily habits and everyday perspectives.  I could not be more grateful for this inspiring find, as I search for a way to replace my stress with habitual joy.  As often occurs when I read, my reflections bring deeper motivation, daily inspiration and external reminders to cultivate practices of wellness, changing my habits and patterns through small changes.  Conveniently, Rubin has divided and themed her monthly goals, to be combined in the final month in one joyful month of happiness practices.

For January, Rubin's focus is to Boost Energy, breaking it down into manageable parts and citing findings from philosophers and academics alike in the creation of her goals:
*Go to sleep earlier
*Exercise better
*Toss, restore, organize
*Tackle a nagging task
*Act more energetic

For myself, I am working to create my own list of energizing goals and continue to be inspired as I read further!  I'm walking more, making a pile for donation, and finding ways to declutter my environment... though, I'll be honest, that sleep thing is sounding pretty good right about now.

-----------------------------------

What about for you?!  What are your goals this year?  What are some small, concrete goals that will help you boost your energy and make room for a little more joy?

back to basics

"The earth has music for those who listen."

- G. Santayana -

------------------------------------------------

Today is a GOOD day -- leaves are turning, sun is shining (the best perk of living in Flagstaff, where they average 288 days of sunshine a year... basically the flip of my hometown of Seattle), and there is a brisk autumnal chill in the air!  Not to mention that it's my birthday weekend -- and I'm filling it will all sorts of little treats for myself!  

If you're a regular follower of toliveboldly, or, heck, even if you're not, you probably know that one of the major parts of my journey to live a bold and whole life is, in a raging battle against all of my lazy instincts, to stay active and workout daily!  While, I'll be honest, I have not been as consistent as I want to be in "officially" working out each day, I have made a concerted effort to stay active, walk where I can (another perk of Flagstaff, where almost everything is within walking/biking distance), and maintain an active lifestyle.  As my good friend, Caitlin over at Caitlin Lives Well, says, I work to get a little sweat into each day!

And, I have the little tricks that inspire me to get that sweat in.  My yoga mat in plain sight by the T.V.  My daily ritual (afforded to me by the mixed blessing of unemployment - soon to be remedied) of changing immediately into workout clothes, reminding me that, at any moment, I am ready to get up and move.  Yoga videos and workout videos already sitting in the DVD player -- ones that actually inspire me to work hard and don't make me feel completely incompetent while I do them (need suggestions? I've got 'em).  This journey is teaching me about parts of myself I never knew existed and ways to get my body moving with healthy and self-compassionate bits of inspiration (not the kinds that make me question my self-worth... which I've experienced before).  I'm sure that you've got your own tricks up your sleeve, which I do hope you'll share with all of us! 

However, even with these tricks, I'll be honest... my workout routine has gotten a little monotonous.  I know exactly what the instructor will say on those videos, and there are only so many times that you can walk to the grocery store or the coffee shop (did I mention that I was unemployed?).  Fortunately, just about the time when my workout routine had hit a little bit of a motivation-blockade, my inspiration to get moving was reawakened by a visit from my dad!  Instead of hanging around town (which, in a small place like Flagstaff, doesn't really keep you entertained for too long) or lounging at home, his visit inspired us to explore farther -- into our extended Arizona backyard!  We hiked the West Fork Trail outside of Sedona (which, incredibly, peaks in autumnal brilliance in the third week of October) and ventured farther to the town-perched-on-a-hill, Jerome. Each day, my thighs burned and my feet ached, but my heart was full.  

Me and Dad on West Fork Trail in Sedona, Arizona.

Photo Credit: P. McCarthy

 Breathtaking views and incredible colors on the West Fork Trail.

Photo Credit: P. McCarthy

A rare photo of just me at Slide Rock State Park.

Photo Credit: C. Krueger

The crisp fall air and changing leaves, not to mention the glorious rising cliffs and flowing streams, were just what I needed.  To get out and moving, to explore somewhere new, to appreciate our surroundings and reconnect with our natural foundation was more than just a workout, it was a spiritual experience, one that proved rejuvenating and energizing.  It transformed my conception of a workout -- reminding me that to be physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy requires more than just scheduled exercise, it takes venturing out, doing something different and exploring the breathtaking beauty of our earth (which, apparently, Arizona has in spades).  It takes getting back to basics.

My daily workout routine is not perfect.  Some days, I kick butt, energized by the adrenaline.  Other days, I battle my inner couch-potato for dominance.  But, looking out my window, into my Aspen-filled courtyard, I am reminded that I have a few more tricks up my sleeve for inspiration.  

--------------------------

"Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves

of strength that will endure as long as life lasts.  There is something

infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature --

the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter."

-R. Carlson-

----------------------------

dare greatly

Happy Friday, my dearest friends!  

I can't begin to tell you how beautiful it is today here in our little mountain town -- Autumn has arrived!  The leaves are turning, the sky is clear and the air is deliciously crisp!   We're finally bundled in warm sweaters and blankets, drinking in all of the autumnal wonderfulness (not to mention my fair share of tea and Pumpkin Spice Lattes).

Photo credit: Kate Krueger

As I have mentioned before, one of the biggest blessings to arise from this blogging experience has been in reconnecting with old and very dear friends -- the kind where you can not talk or see each other for months or years and, in coming back together, can connect on an even deeper level.  I am truly honored and beyond grateful.  

One of these beautiful souls is a woman that I call my "heart twin" -- for many reasons beyond the fact that we were both born on the 27th of October (or, as my parents like to call it, 'the day that life began.').  I could go on and on about her lovely and compassionate heart (but she's heard it all from me before).  She, like me, is obsessed with books, and mentions of our favorites are regular occurrences in our emails.  This year, for our birthday, she sent me -- from almost 20,000 miles away -- a book that I have been beyond desperate to read: Daring Greatly, by one of my favorite researchers (and regular toliveboldly resource), Brene Brown.

While I have had the urge to just inhale the words (yes, it's that good), there is so much inspiration housed within the pages that I have been forcing myself to slow down, even reading some of the chapters twice while I underline and fill the margins with notes.  My mind is percolating with inspiration, and my heart is challenged by her call to vulnerability and authenticity.  

Instead of writing my usual post, I wanted to limit my words and share with you Brene's inspiration for Daring Greatly, by a man who was also, believe it or not, born on the 27th of October.  I have read it at least a dozen times and each time it speaks to me in a different way (oftentimes, moving me to tears).  I would love to hear your thoughts, my dearest friends, and hope that it inspires you, as well. Have a beautiful weekend, and remember to be kind to yourselves.

"The Man in the Arena"

"Citizenship in a Republic"

Theodore Roosevelt

April 23, 1910 * Paris, France 

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out 

how the strong man stumbles, 

or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,

whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again.

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;

but who does actually strive to do the deeds;

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions,

who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,

and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly..."

doing the work

"Problems do not go away.  They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit."

The Road Less Traveled

M. Scott Peck

This past week has been a particularly difficult one for blog writing. Each time I would sit down at my computer to begin the process of brainstorming, writing and editing (and re-writing and re-editing), I found myself without inspiration.  And, while I could easily chalk it up to writers block or just plain laziness, the truth is that it was just a plain old difficult week.

Since moving to Flagstaff, I have found myself full of energy, excited to create change, live boldly, and explore the world of wellness.  I have been writing, reading, working out and... very slowly... learning how to cook healthful foods.  I have been able to battle those tricky self-critical thoughts with joyful exuberance and hopeful optimism.  And, while I have still been working out on a daily basis and maintaining my healthy diet, this week has been... different.  I have had moments of complete self-doubt, exhaustion and total vulnerability, fighting an internal battle between fear and courage.  Part of me cried out to return to a boxed-in version of myself, to give up and give in to my familiar counterparts - guilt and shame.  The other part of me battled back, fighting tooth and nail to stay strong, remain confident and trust the process. 

In essence, I was doing the work.

I just recently finished (as in... today) the book that I have been reading for almost a month - The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck.  My gorgeous and brilliant sister, two years my junior and one of the most honest, authentic and passionate women I have ever known, has been (not so subtly) suggesting that I read the book for almost three years now.  My mother, a sponge for wisdom and knowledge, followed suit, urging me to borrow her well-loved copy of the book.  I am not sure why I fought the suggestion for so long, but I am certain that there was a wisdom to why I waited until this moment to finally open the pages.

As it was my mother's copy of the book, loved over, ragged and missing its cover, I took notes in my journal, copying down passages word for word that inspired me as I read.  In looking the passages over, the passage above struck a chord in me: problems do not go away.  Do the work.

Perhaps it was the emotional result of the past week or the conversations that I have had with friends over the course of the past few days, but, whatever it was, I am reminded that this lifelong journey of self-discovery, positive self-change and internal opening is one of work.  It is inevitably one of pain, grunting, and fighting. But joy is its reward.  As Peck says,

"Move out or grow in any dimension and pain as well as joy will be your reward.  A full life will be full of pain.  But the only alternative is not to live fully or not to live at all."

The growing pains are just that... painful.  The honest truth is that, whether we choose to look at them, our negative patterns, deep-seated anxieties, and familial/cultural issues play out in our relationships, even in the one that we have with ourselves.  Prior to leaving Seattle, I saw a therapist for almost three years, and I can't tell you how much I have grown from the challenge of therapy.  But, there is still so much work to be done, so many internal assumptions to be challenged and negative patterns to be explored.  And, through all of it, freedom to be found.

To be truly compassionate, to love deeply, to live fully and wholly, we have to do the work.  If you've been waiting to make a commitment to yourself, don't waste another minute.  The war is full of fear and heartache, but there is liberation and joy found, as well.  Know that you are not alone, that there are others along the way, battling alongside you, allies in the struggle.  You are courageous and worth the fight.  

"Courage is not in the absence of fear; it is in the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future."

The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck

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On a personal note: If you are currently looking into finding a therapist, please do your research.  Look for reviews, ask trusted family/friends and get recommendations from your community.  Ask questions.  Not all therapists are created (trained) equal.  If you are in the Seattle metropolitan area, please do not hesitate to contact me for recommendations.

to love

While reading M. Scott Peck's book The Road Less Traveled (Why have I not read this book before?! Just goes to show you that my sister has some crazy wisdom - having recommended the book to me for the past three years...), I found this lovely and challenging reflection on how we love our partners.  I just knew that I had to share:

"The Prophet"

The Prophet of Kahlil Gabran, p. 15-16

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be like a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

"should"

Stop "should-ing" yourself.  I could NOT have said it better.

With love, 

A perpetual "should-er"