sick day

Hello, my lovely friends!

Unfortunately, toliveboldly is taking a sick day today -- we've been hit with a bug!

Back next week with a brand new year!

xo

letting go of Hollywood

A couple of weeks ago, I finally conned my honey into watching "Christmas Vacation".  (I know what you're thinking, who has to con someone into watching that masterpiece of a Christmas movie?!  But my dear sweetheart is a die-hard reality fan and so it takes time to convince him to watch a holiday flick rather than the latest episode of "Amazing Race".)  And, as things often do, the movie set off some holiday reflection for me. 

Basically, it comes down to this: I am Clark Griswold.

Ok, a younger, prettier, much more feminine (and probably not so angry) version of Clark Griswold.  Thanks to all of the perfect Hollywood Christmases I've watched year-after-year and, honestly, a really hilarious, joy-filled childhood (that would be me you see in that photo above wearing the always-fashionable tree-skirt... yes, the tree-skirt was a part of my traditional holiday garb), I have in my head what the holidays are supposed to look like.  The perfect tree.  The warm lights.  The perfect family photo.  The smells and sounds and traditions (all with their own Christmas soundtrack playing in the background... cue the Bing Crosby). 

But, like Ellen Griswold says to Clark, the pictures in my head, the "perfect" Christmas, well, they are ideals that no family could live up to... it's a myth.  Those high (and ridiculously unrealistic) expectations lead to disappointment and heartbreak (and sometimes tears), rather than the joy and gratitude that I so wish to cultivate.  Time and time again, I build pictures in my mind, all of my hopes and wishes and expectations thrown into one red and green basket.  And time and time again, my reality looks different. 

But, the coolest thing is that, if I put aside those idyllic Hollywood moments, the reality is better than anything I could conjure up.  Being present to my family, friends and partner creates moments that could never be replicated on the big screen.  Should my parents have attempted to plan the perfect Hollywood Christmas moments, I am sure they would have never included their daughters donning their tree skirt (a tradition that was passed down to my youngest sister just a few short years ago... the tree skirt is in well-loved tatters at this point).  Or those times when we dressed up in matching Christmas outfits and lipsyched to the Spice Girls.  Or sleepovers in each other's rooms on Christmas Eve, only to be jolted awake on Christmas morning by my brother and sister blasting Mariah Carey's Christmas album. 

The reality is that putting up the tree has always been a pain, and our family photos always have at least one moment of awkwardness in them.  Christmas morning has always been messy, the wrapping paper filling up nooks and crannies for days to follow.  And we never get enough sleep.  But the reality is so much better than anything that I could possibly imagine.  I work to remember that as I create new traditions, spend new holiday moments with my wonderful (and incredibly patient) sweetheart.

This morning, as I step off the plane in Seattle, ready for a much-too-short weekend of family and friends, I am actively working to be present, to not let myself get wrapped up in hopes and wishes but to let myself be grateful for the moment.

brilliant words

... from a brilliant woman.

.:wishing you love and light:.

voice of my childhood

"When I was a boy, and I would see scary things in the news, 

my mother would say to me,

'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.'

To this day, especially in times of disaster,

I remember my mother's words,

and I am always comforted by realizing that there are

still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world."

-Mister Rogers-

for a day with no words.

To my beautiful friends:

To be completely, brutally, authentically and vulnerably honest,

today I don't have words.

I wrote a post, deleted it.

All because nothing quite right can be said.

My most healing thoughts, prayers and love go out to

the victims, big, small and in-between, of today's shooting.

And to all of us, who live in a culture where fear,

sadness, isolation, self-protection and hatred

have created a generation of trauma.

Today, I am working hard to sit in a place of gratitude,

peace and compassion.

Each night, at dinner, my honey and I spend a moment

speaking gratitude to one another.

Today, I am grateful for more than I could possibly

begin to explain.

May the little anxieties fall away

and make room for appreciation,

love, joy, hope and healing.

the anxiety closet

For many of us, the holiday season is filled with stress and anxiety, family expectations and painful traditions.  Here's an beautiful, authentic article about how to move past our anxiety this holiday season.  Hint: it has something to do with seeing past ourselves.

beautiful, adored, true.



As this week began, I was certain that I knew what I was going to be blogging about for today's post. 

In moving to Flagstaff, I had made a commitment to wellness and had, for the first few months, carved out a sacred daily ritual, dedicated to healthy eating, daily exercise and soaking up every bit of emotional and spiritual inspiration that I could.  Blessed with the temporary gift of unemployment, I had all the time in the world to dedicate to this new passion.  I felt stronger, empowered. 

A few weeks ago, I began in a new position working for a local non-profit working with families in crisis. Honestly, I love it.  Beyond the true blessing of employment, it is challenging, heart-breaking, inspiring, educational and impactful.  Most days, I drive home inspired to learn more, connect deeply, and engage with everyone I meet in a more authentic way.

However, after months of creating daily rituals, I was jolted by the reality that my routine would completely change.  No longer would I have those long afternoons to read.  No longer could I wake up and workout.  No longer could I count on the basic daily rituals that I had fallen so deeply in love with. As my honey can attest, it was a bit of an emotional speed-bump for me, as I tested the waters of this new reality, missing my most beloved routines and forced to create new ones.  I could not figure out how to get past the loss of my much-loved routines and rituals, could not figure out how to move forward and create new habits.

This past weekend, after weeks of unhealthy, convenience-based eating and a complete lack of exercise, I hit a low point.  I found myself staring at my body in the mirror, thinking thoughts that I would not think about my worst enemies (not that I have any), and feeling like a true failure.  Where I had once felt strong and empowered, I now held tightly to the soft skin on my sides, feeling disgusted and discouraged.  My sweetheart held me, whispering softly that he wished that I loved myself as much as he did.

As the days passed and I slowly climbed out of that darkeness, struggling to remember my worth, I thought that I would be writing today about failure, redemption, starting over.

But then...

Victoria's Secret reminded me that I am beautiful, worthy, whole.

Let me explain.

Until Wednesday night, I had never seen the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.  Honestly, I'm not sure that I even really knew that it existed until a few weeks ago, when my sweetheart and I were talking about one of his classroom discussions.  Many of the women had expressed how deeply affected they were each year when watching the VS Fashion Show, the skantily-clad and unrealistically skinny models convincing them year after year that they were less-than-enough, unworthy in comparison to our society's vision of perfection.  As the event approached, I saw similar sentiments expressed through social networks, Facebook statuses and tweets of women preparing themselves for the self-esteem smack-down they expected to receive.

And so, it was with a true psychological interest that I tuned in.  I am not sure what I expected to experience, but all I could think, the models strutting down the runway, was this...

I am beautiful. The women on TV, they too are beautiful. But my worth is not defined by their proportions. Watching the models, decked out in angel wings and lacy lingerie, I was remind that I am real, I am whole. When my sweetheart wraps his arms around me, love-handles and all, it is not my measurements that define his love.  While it's nice to hear, I don't need anyone else to remind me of my worth. My body, while cushioned and curvy, is beautiful, real, authentically me.  And to wish that I was anyone else is to deny that I am beautiful, adored, true.

"love your body the way your mother loved your baby feet
and brother, arm wrapping shoulders, and remember,
this is important:
you are worth more than who you f*ck
you are worth more than a waistline
you are worth more than any naked body could proclaim
in the shadows, more than a man's whim
or your father's mistake
you are no less valuable as a size 16, than a size 4
you are no less valuable as a 32A than a 36C,
your sexiness is defined by concentric circles within your wood;
wisdom."

 

-mary lambert, i know girls (bodylove) -

the family drama

For many of us, rather than Hollywood's version of idyllic family togetherness, the holiday season means awkward, stressful and sometimes painful family interactions... even just the anticipation of those family get-togethers can be anxiety-producing.

Here's a great article about how to work through those tough family moments during the holiday season!

Wishing you joy and peace.

xx

a season of health

Photo credit: K. Krueger, 2012

Happy Friday, friends!

It feels as though it has been an eternity since my last substantial post -- though, I'll be honest, I was so grateful to take a week off and really be present during the Thanksgiving holiday.  We drove down to Phoenix and spent the most relaxing weekend with family and friends.  On Thanksgiving Day, my honey and I both unplugged from phones, computers and social media (other than phone calls to my amazing family in Seattle and New York), and it was the most beautiful blessing.  Such a freeing experience to be fully present to the moment!  Crazy enough, it was almost a culture shock to return to it all the day after!

The most beautiful part of the weekend?! (Other than fabulous family and friends, of course.)

We have "officially" entered the most wonderful time of the year!  It might seem ridiculous, it might seem cheesy... but I am a certified holiday nutcase (which should come as no surprise to most of you).  And, while I'll be honest and admit that I snuck in my fair share of Christmas tunes before the Thanksgiving holiday, I feel like I am finally free to let my Christmas-loving, winter-adoring flag fly high!  There are moments, the ones where I am twirling to Christmas music or find myself filled with childlike wonder at a holiday display, that I catch my sweetheart staring at me, eyes laughing and a huge smile across his face as he watches his love captured by the joy of the season.  Each day, when I get to return home after a day of work to light candles and curl up, basking in the light of the Christmas tree, I am filled with gratitude and warmth.  The living room is decked out in holiday joy and my sketchbook is covered with wintery and hopeful inspiration.  It's the joy that makes even the coldest days a little warmer.

But my deep love for this season inspires in me an even greater appreciation for its flip-side.  Hidden within the glittery trappings of the Christmas season, there lies a pervasive sadness, filled with consumerism, anxiety, loneliness and poverty.  For many of us, this is the most painful time of the year.  Holiday stressors - both material and emotional - cause many of us (myself included) to react in destructive ways, many of which are socially accepted during this time of year. We spend a fortune, losing ourselves in overcrowded malls trying to find the biggest, best, newest gifts. We indulge ourselves in delicious foods - hiding our stress in emotional eating. We use substances to numb our anxiety. We turn inward rather than finding connection in community. And, in my opinion, some of it is only natural. For many of us, this season, while bright and light and joyful on the outside, also contains some of our most painful memories.  Those internalized family traumas, the disappointment of unrealized hopes, the painful reality of financial and emotional strain.

This month, as the holiday triggers present themselves in very real ways, I am inspired to explore - with you by my side - how to find, maintain and thrive through emotional and physical health. 

For me, my anxiety presents itself in the desire to eat every sweet in sight (and there are so many delicious ones!), and I am only now learning how to create healthy habits to combat my desire to drown my stress in sugar.  Whether its family anxiety, financial pressure or just the sadness we can't place, there are so many ways to create healthy habits rather than allowing ourselves to be victim to destructive reactions and patterns!

What about for you?! As you look inward, where do you desire to grow this month? Share in the comments below!

happy thanksgiving

Illustration: Ana Victoria Calderon via Positive Inkling

Happy Thanksgiving from toliveboldly!

This year, to be fully present,
I will be taking the weekend off from my usual bloggery.

I'll see you next week with more toliveboldly goodness!

Wherever you are in the world, I hope you are safe, warm and grateful.

With love and gratitude,

katie

to cultivate gratitude

Image: Freya via Positive Inkling

Happy Thanksgiving week, y'all!

In the spirit of the holiday, I wanted to pass along this

great article about cultivating gratitude!

pillows from heaven

Photo Credit: P. McCarthy, 2012

Last weekend, winter came to call.  Since moving to this sleepy little town, the weather has been insanely consistent and ridiculously mild -- almost three months of 60-70 degree days, full sunshine and almost no rain (a shock to the system for a little Seattleite like myself).  It's been just plain lovely for a girl who loves walks outside, is almost always inappropriately chilly, and soaks up the chance for a long bike ride.  But, almost overnight, Jack Frost and his wintery companions have arrived.  As you can see by the gorgeous photograph taken by my ridiculously talented sweetheart, winter has come.

And I love it.

I have been craving the cold, desperately wishing for the days where creamy hot cocoa, cozy sweaters and cuddling up together under a blanket are finally deemed appropriate.  As a winter holiday nutcase (I wish that I was overstating that...), I have been impatiently waiting for the weather to catch up to my holiday inspiration!  Despite the fact that we finally had to turn the thermostat on and my car is encased in a fresh layer of frost each morning, I am deeply grateful for this change of pace.  

If you've followed toliveboldly, you know that I am deeply passionate about health and wellness, about healthy nutrition and an active lifestyle (I am also deeply passionate about delicious food... but I haven't gone there with you all, yet).  This week, however, I am going to break stride and share with you the delicious fruits of my wintery inspiration.

Courtesy of years of toasty-warm nights in the kitchen with my unbelievably talented cook-of-a-mother, wintery weather inspires within me a deeply nostalgic craving for baking... for the scent of sugary dough, the warmth emanating from the oven, the rhythm of the mixer in my hands.  This past weekend, armed with one of my favorite recipes and a hankering for some kitchen experimentation, I let my inner-baker run wild -- and was unbelievably pleased (and incredibly stuffed) with the results.  

On Tuesday, I began a new position working in individual and family services at a local non-profit here in Flagstaff.  It has been exciting, inspiring, heartbreaking, and... overwhelming.  In lieu of my typical post, and in order to rest, renew and enjoy some quality time with my sweetheart, I wanted to share with you the delicious fruits of a snow-filled weekend of warmth and joy.  

One of the easiest (and most delicious) cookie recipes I have ever found, its mastermind, Paula Deen, calls these Chocolate Gooey Butter Cookies, but I prefer to call them Pillows from Heaven, because really... that's what they are.

Wishing you warmth, joy and peace wherever you are. XO.

--------------------------------------------

Chocolate Gooey Butter Cookies

aka Pillows from Heaven

modified only slightly from a recipe by Paula Deen

I wish there were more cookies to show you...

But these are what's left. Or were left when I took the picture. 

I might have had three while typing this. 

They are THAT good.

-----------------

You'll need...

8 ounce brick of cream cheese* 

1 stick butter*

(*HINT: recipe calls for both cream cheese and butter

to be at room temperature, but I have found that the

batter works better when they are melted together for about

30 seconds in the microwave*)

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1 egg

18 oz. box moist cake mix**

(**HINT: Paula's recipe calls for moist chocolate cake mix,

but you can use your favorite!  We've experimented with 

chocolate fudge cake mix, milk chocolate cake mix, and, 

believe it or not, Funfetti cake mix! All have been DELICIOUS,

but Funfetti might have been my favorite!)

confectioners sugar

-----------------

Directions...

In large bowl, with an electric mixer, cream cream cheese and butter 

until smooth. Beat in egg, vanilla and cake mix, one at a time, 

in that order.

Cover and chill in fridge for 2 hours.

After 2 hours, preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Uncover and roll batter into tablespoon-sized balls and 

roll in confectioners sugar.  Arrange 2-inches apart on cookie sheet.

Bake for 12 minutes.  

Cookies should be soft and gooey-looking! YUM!

Cool completely - they are honestly best after a couple of hours - and enjoy!

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catching the good

today, i am grateful for...

Nestled neatly on his desk, amongst the papers, pens and picture frames, my sweetheart keeps a daily calendar.  A beloved Christmas present from my dad, the calendar contains daily quotes from NBC's "The Office."  The other day, as we were flipping through the previous weeks' moments of pure Office hilarity, we hit upon this gem.  Now, to be totally honest, I have no idea what happened here or what episode it's from, but something in the interaction spoke deeply to me. 

I have a dirty little secret (other than the 15 mini candy bar wrappers I threw away in the dumpster this morning... whoops, did I just share that?!).  Sometimes, I seriously suck at communicating.  

Just two days ago, over dinner, my honey and I experienced our own little version of Pam and Oscar's conversation (...in this case, I'd be Oscar).  Here's how it played out (the short version... the long version is a sad and drawn-out mess of communication dysfunction, on my part).  

I am overwhelmed.  Don't say anything.  I am stressed.  Don't say anything.  Phone rings, texts beep, remember I had forgotten to send an email, overwhelming feeling increases.  Don't say anything.  Honey asks for a favor, I say yes.  Still don't say anything.  Go oddly quiet.  Honey knowingly asks what is wrong.  I explode in a snotty mess of tears.  He asks me to share, patiently waiting while I work through the spectrum of emotions.  I blame, accuse, collapse and finally admit... he wraps his arms around me.  I sob, forcing out the words: "I don't know how to share."  

He, of course, knows this already.

Don't get me wrong, most days, I'm on my communication game.  My honey and I work in unison, opening up, growing in loving honesty, cultivating gratitude for one another and our partnership.  We are 3 steps ahead, seeing potential problems, sharing with vulnerability.  I catch my partner's pass, respond with compassion, see where our relationship needs to grow and make it happen.  

But some days... I am not.  And, to be totally honest, the same can be said of my partner.  We fumble.  We miss a pass.  Or worse... there are days when we don't even show up for the game.  It's on days like this that we have to revisit the game tape and figure out where we went wrong.

It's days like this when I am grateful for the gift of forgiveness.

I am deeply inspired by my friends and family who are using this month leading up to Thanksgiving as a time to cultivate gratitude.  Whether it's through pictures on Instagram, statuses on Facebook, or the fundamental act of cultivating gratitude in real-time (hint, hint, life-changing stuff), I am encouraged, enlivened and inspired by the life-giving fruits of appreciation and thanksgiving.  As Brene Brown writes, "Practicing gratitude is how we acknowledge that there's enough and that we're enough."

Today, I am grateful for the deeply personal gift of forgiveness.  I am grateful for a partnership where commitment, compassion and trust encourage us through the sometimes messy work of growing in relationship with one another.  I am grateful for my relationships with family and friends, created on the foundation of unconditional love and open to growth and change.  I am so thankful for their continual love, support and strength.  Especially on those days that I don't show up as my best self... and even on those days that I do.

What about you, my dear friends?  What are you grateful for today?

having a bad day?

Found this gem while hopping around the internets today.

It might be my new favorite thing.

Enjoy on those days when you're not feeling so hot.

Or even on those days when you are.

emergency compliment via positive inkling

toliveboldly themed inspiration

Wasted Rita via Positive Inkling

numb the dark and you numb the light

Happy November, my dear friends!

I can't believe that it's already here, though the rows upon rows of Christmas decorations and toys are telling me that it's so (not that I'm one to complain... I am obsessed with the holiday season, something that I'm sure will be obvious in the coming weeks)!  

I pray that you all are safe and sound wherever you are -- I am sending love to all of you who experienced the wrath of Hurricane Sandy this past week, and I hope that you are warm and rested in your corner of the world.

For me, with each new month comes reflection.  I don't know what it is about the passing of each month, but something about the arrival of a new one reminds me to check my priorities, restructure my goals and recommit to my purpose.  It's as if the turning of that calendar page is a sobering reminder of the importance of mindfulness, somehow speaking deeply into my heart... don't let this experience pass you by, live in the present, be mindful of each day, each passing moment.

If you've been following along, you know that one of my recent literary goldmines has been the book Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown.  While I usually inhale a new book (like the one I finished yesterday while recovering from a sore throat in bed), this particular gem has had me working through it slowly.  It has so much goodness, so much meat to it, that I just want to savor every bite.  With each page, I am inspired and emboldened, not to mention soothed by the realization that my neuroses are quite normal.

To be completely honest... warning: moment of vulnerability here... while I attempt to keep a mask of cool, calm and control (gotta love that alliteration!), I am, sometimes (more frequently than I would like to be), a total ball of neurotic, anxious energy, albeit a very pretty and well-groomed one.  My insecure thoughts like to run away with themselves, jumping from presumed weakness to weakness with glee, leaving me (and, let's be honest, my sweetheart) with a blubbering mess of anxiety and shame.  Yeah, it's as fun as it sounds.

And, from what I've learned... while it might differ in degree or particular neuroses... I'm not alone.  We may not all dissolve into tears at the end of an anxiety-producing day, or be victim to the disease of overanalysis, but our anxieties, our shame-filled insecurites... well, they're pretty universal.  And, we all work through these painful pieces of vulnerability differently.  Some of us exercise.  Others of us eat.  Some of us direct that anxiety onto our partners, fearful of speaking the words of vulnerability.  Some of us are proactive, recognizing our patterns and creating boundaries to manage them in advance.  Some of us hide in perfectionism, while many protect ourselves by desperately guarding ourselves against that pain and limiting our joy, as well.  The list goes on...

But, in our society of crazy-busy, fill-every-moment, must-be-productive-ness, one of our most commonly used defenses is that of numbing.  We use food, substances, even daily distractions to avoid our pain, our naked vulnerability.  

Brene writes:

"... numbing vulnerability is especially debilitating because

it doesn't just deaden the pain of our difficult experiences;

numbing vulnerability also dulls our experiences of love, joy,

belonging, creativity, and empathy.

We can't selectively numb emotion.

Numb the dark and you numb the light."

While I was reading today, red holiday cup in hand and curled up in the comfy corner chair at my local Starbucks, I was struck with how deeply engrained our numbing-strategies are within our lives.  Brene speaks of it as a kind of addictive behavior, and while it may not be compulsive or chronic like addiction, our attempts to numb our vulnerability, shame, anxiety and disconnection are deep-seated and desperate.  We numb with comfort foods, that glass (or two or three) of wine after a long day, with pills.  It's so habitual that it's normalized, accepted, even suggested. But we've also learned to numb with the distractions around us -- the tv, the internet, our smartphones.  Instead of mindfulness, we've turned to mindless distractions, transforming what could be beautiful, relaxing or connecting -- your favorite tv show, fruitful conversation, long-distance connection -- into compulsion and desperation.  We lose track of time online instead of having that sometimes difficult conversation with our partner.  We choose social networks instead of spending quality time with our family.  We compulsively check our phones to the point of drowning out the social interaction around us.  We're so plugged in that we're tuned out.

"For me, it wasn't just the dance halls, cold beer, and Marlboro Lights 

of my youth that got so out of hand - it was banana bread, 

chips and queso, e-mail, work, staying busy, incessant worrying, planning, 

perfectionism, and anything else that could dull those agonizing 

and anxiety-fueled feelings of vulnerability."

-Brene Brown-

My habits of distraction are deeply engrained -- constantly checking my phone, my social networks, my email.  Sometimes, I miss out on conversation. Or a passing bit of beauty on a long drive. Sometimes, I use my favorite romcom to check out of life for a bit -- numbing my anxiety with the familiar actors and predictable story lines.  Other times, I use busyness to think about something else, anything else than the nagging anxiety. And I'm missing out on the tough, vulnerable, messy, and beautiful moments for growth and joy.  I am tired of the numbing distractions, the unconscious bingeing, the habits created out of a wounded desire to disconnect.

This month, I am intentionally practicing being plugged into life, unplugging my phone and computer (other than for studying purposes) after 9pm with a commitment to return only after breakfast the next morning.  On the other side of the world, I have a dear friend who is unplugging completely one day a week to reconnect and refresh.  What about you? Do you need to re-program how you eat? Or drink? How can you cultivate connection, practice self-compassion and explore vulnerability? Where have you numbed out?  I would love to create a community here where we can share and learn and grow together, because I know that I am learning so much from you.

Sending love your way.  Be kind to yourselves!

back to basics

"The earth has music for those who listen."

- G. Santayana -

------------------------------------------------

Today is a GOOD day -- leaves are turning, sun is shining (the best perk of living in Flagstaff, where they average 288 days of sunshine a year... basically the flip of my hometown of Seattle), and there is a brisk autumnal chill in the air!  Not to mention that it's my birthday weekend -- and I'm filling it will all sorts of little treats for myself!  

If you're a regular follower of toliveboldly, or, heck, even if you're not, you probably know that one of the major parts of my journey to live a bold and whole life is, in a raging battle against all of my lazy instincts, to stay active and workout daily!  While, I'll be honest, I have not been as consistent as I want to be in "officially" working out each day, I have made a concerted effort to stay active, walk where I can (another perk of Flagstaff, where almost everything is within walking/biking distance), and maintain an active lifestyle.  As my good friend, Caitlin over at Caitlin Lives Well, says, I work to get a little sweat into each day!

And, I have the little tricks that inspire me to get that sweat in.  My yoga mat in plain sight by the T.V.  My daily ritual (afforded to me by the mixed blessing of unemployment - soon to be remedied) of changing immediately into workout clothes, reminding me that, at any moment, I am ready to get up and move.  Yoga videos and workout videos already sitting in the DVD player -- ones that actually inspire me to work hard and don't make me feel completely incompetent while I do them (need suggestions? I've got 'em).  This journey is teaching me about parts of myself I never knew existed and ways to get my body moving with healthy and self-compassionate bits of inspiration (not the kinds that make me question my self-worth... which I've experienced before).  I'm sure that you've got your own tricks up your sleeve, which I do hope you'll share with all of us! 

However, even with these tricks, I'll be honest... my workout routine has gotten a little monotonous.  I know exactly what the instructor will say on those videos, and there are only so many times that you can walk to the grocery store or the coffee shop (did I mention that I was unemployed?).  Fortunately, just about the time when my workout routine had hit a little bit of a motivation-blockade, my inspiration to get moving was reawakened by a visit from my dad!  Instead of hanging around town (which, in a small place like Flagstaff, doesn't really keep you entertained for too long) or lounging at home, his visit inspired us to explore farther -- into our extended Arizona backyard!  We hiked the West Fork Trail outside of Sedona (which, incredibly, peaks in autumnal brilliance in the third week of October) and ventured farther to the town-perched-on-a-hill, Jerome. Each day, my thighs burned and my feet ached, but my heart was full.  

Me and Dad on West Fork Trail in Sedona, Arizona.

Photo Credit: P. McCarthy

 Breathtaking views and incredible colors on the West Fork Trail.

Photo Credit: P. McCarthy

A rare photo of just me at Slide Rock State Park.

Photo Credit: C. Krueger

The crisp fall air and changing leaves, not to mention the glorious rising cliffs and flowing streams, were just what I needed.  To get out and moving, to explore somewhere new, to appreciate our surroundings and reconnect with our natural foundation was more than just a workout, it was a spiritual experience, one that proved rejuvenating and energizing.  It transformed my conception of a workout -- reminding me that to be physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy requires more than just scheduled exercise, it takes venturing out, doing something different and exploring the breathtaking beauty of our earth (which, apparently, Arizona has in spades).  It takes getting back to basics.

My daily workout routine is not perfect.  Some days, I kick butt, energized by the adrenaline.  Other days, I battle my inner couch-potato for dominance.  But, looking out my window, into my Aspen-filled courtyard, I am reminded that I have a few more tricks up my sleeve for inspiration.  

--------------------------

"Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves

of strength that will endure as long as life lasts.  There is something

infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature --

the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter."

-R. Carlson-

----------------------------

advice for girls

via iwastesomuchtime

love thyself

"... we can only love others as much as we love ourselves."

Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Everyday, at 5:00pm, my alarm goes off on my phone and blinks the word, "kindness."  More than just announcing the end of the classic work day, this little reminder is one of the ways that I actively work to love myself.  My youngest sister calls this my "say-something-nice" time -- a moment where the rest of the world freezes, and I take a split second to appreciate and honor who I am with the tiniest little inward expression of kindness.  God bless her little heart, she's jumped on the bandwagon, too, choosing to use my 5pm reminder to speak kindness to me.  Just the other day, while we were Skyping (what a beautiful, miraculous invention!), she said that she wanted to give me my compliment in advance, bringing me close to tears when she told me, "I love seeing you smile... oh, and you do a really good job cutting [the boyfriend's] hair."  

Which, by the way, I do.

The truth is that I have a habit of being my own worst critic.  Every tiny flaw, every little blemish, every moment of imperfection -- my instinct is to seize it and use it to further prove to myself that I am not enough.  Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not successful enough, not good enough... on and on.  And I know that I am not the only one.

We live in a society where we are never enough, and, despite the narcissistic leanings of our culture, the "love" that we may have for ourselves is oftentimes a mask for the shame, insecurity and fear of being "not enough."  We cake on our make-up, bulk up our muscles, and stroke our egos.  I think of our usage of social networks, the masks that we carefully reveal to the world, and the inner comparisons of our daily lives to others' "highlight reel."  Our "love" is the armor we put on when we don't believe that we are worthy of being loved, even by ourselves.  Even more than that, we are taught that to appreciate the deeply beautiful parts of ourselves is to break some fundamental societal rule.  Ask almost anyone and they will tell you ten things that they think are wrong with them before opening up with what is most right with them.  To appreciate our greatest qualities is an act of vulnerability, to do it in public a frightening rebellion against the norm.  We've confused humility with self-deprecation.  We somehow believe that loving others means denying ourselves the same compassion.  

There was a point, about a year ago, when I was just fed up, exhausted even, with how I treated myself.  I was my own bully.  It was heartbreaking and internally degrading.  But I felt tied to this pattern of self-deprecation, confused about how to truly love myself without being "in love" with myself.  There was something almost scary about entertaining the idea of loving who I was and an unhealthy comfort in the familiarity of the shame I experienced -- like opening that door to love would be more work, more pain.

And guess what?  I was right.  Opening that door sucked, in a way.  But it was worth the work, worth the pain in the discovery of unhealthy patterns and relationships, worth the painstaking unveiling of the greatest parts of who I am.  And it has left me with deep gratitude.  I am grateful for a remarkable therapist who inspired my "say-something-nice" reminders, which, by the way, began as a three-times-a-day practice.   I am grateful for the reminders from family and friends to be kind to myself.  And guess what else?  I am finding that I am grateful for who I am, as well.  

To truly love others, to be in whole, complete, vulnerable and compassionate relationship with others, requires that we first love ourselves.  When I actively practice self-love, my relationships with others are deepened.  It changes the way that I love my partner, my family, my closest friends.  And, hey, if that weren't enough, I'm just plain happier.  It's transformative.  In fact, studies show that self-compassion (which goes beyond the highly touted self-esteem) could be the "key to unlocking your true potential," as well as a barrier against anxiety.

As for me, my daily "say-something-nice" time is only one weapon in my arsenal of self-compassion.  How about you?  What weapons are in your arsenal? 

crazy cool holiday

Happy National LOVE YOUR BODY Day!  In honor of loving ourselves and appreciating our bodies, be honest: what three things do you love about your body?!

dare greatly

Happy Friday, my dearest friends!  

I can't begin to tell you how beautiful it is today here in our little mountain town -- Autumn has arrived!  The leaves are turning, the sky is clear and the air is deliciously crisp!   We're finally bundled in warm sweaters and blankets, drinking in all of the autumnal wonderfulness (not to mention my fair share of tea and Pumpkin Spice Lattes).

Photo credit: Kate Krueger

As I have mentioned before, one of the biggest blessings to arise from this blogging experience has been in reconnecting with old and very dear friends -- the kind where you can not talk or see each other for months or years and, in coming back together, can connect on an even deeper level.  I am truly honored and beyond grateful.  

One of these beautiful souls is a woman that I call my "heart twin" -- for many reasons beyond the fact that we were both born on the 27th of October (or, as my parents like to call it, 'the day that life began.').  I could go on and on about her lovely and compassionate heart (but she's heard it all from me before).  She, like me, is obsessed with books, and mentions of our favorites are regular occurrences in our emails.  This year, for our birthday, she sent me -- from almost 20,000 miles away -- a book that I have been beyond desperate to read: Daring Greatly, by one of my favorite researchers (and regular toliveboldly resource), Brene Brown.

While I have had the urge to just inhale the words (yes, it's that good), there is so much inspiration housed within the pages that I have been forcing myself to slow down, even reading some of the chapters twice while I underline and fill the margins with notes.  My mind is percolating with inspiration, and my heart is challenged by her call to vulnerability and authenticity.  

Instead of writing my usual post, I wanted to limit my words and share with you Brene's inspiration for Daring Greatly, by a man who was also, believe it or not, born on the 27th of October.  I have read it at least a dozen times and each time it speaks to me in a different way (oftentimes, moving me to tears).  I would love to hear your thoughts, my dearest friends, and hope that it inspires you, as well. Have a beautiful weekend, and remember to be kind to yourselves.

"The Man in the Arena"

"Citizenship in a Republic"

Theodore Roosevelt

April 23, 1910 * Paris, France 

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out 

how the strong man stumbles, 

or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,

whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again.

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;

but who does actually strive to do the deeds;

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions,

who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,

and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly..."

a mindful diet

Happy Wednesday!

I am so excited to share this little tidbit with you all!  As you all know, I'm always on the lookout for new research regarding health and wellness, and, while I am most certainly not an expert, I am so inspired by some new research in healthy living: mindful eating.

To live holistically, fully, boldly, requires presence, mindfulness.  And research shows that to bring the concept of mindfulness -- a foundational aspect of whole living practices like meditation and yoga -- to our eating can transform our diets.  This transformation reawakens our instincts for healthy portion sizes and creates new avenues for the greater rewards of emotional stability and joyful living!

Check it out and tell me what you think!  Mindful Eating and the Psychology of Feeling Full.

the American epidemic

Image via Obesity in America, Huffington Post

from a certified sweet tooth.

"We need to get rid of all the junk food here.  When I'm working out regularly, I don't even want to eat crappy food.  I just want to feel this healthy all the time."

- my sweetheart -

You heard it here first, folks.  The mind/body/food connection at work, from the mouth of a certified sweet tooth. 

between body and mind

I'll be honest, I have been the queen of procrastination with writing this week, due to a combination of way too much thinking (and overthinking), the presidential debate (and the resulting political nausea), and the laziness found only in making very poor health choices.

After a week of recovering from a cold, very little exercise and seven days of pity-me-I'm-sick desserts, we drove down to Phoenix for a couple of days with the honey's parents.  Now, there are three things that I have learned about my eating habits.  One, I have no sense of moderation.  With sweets or good bread?  Mmm... I can't stop myself if they're in the house.  Two, while my metabolism-gifted sweetheart can eat anything and still be fit, I... cannot.  That aforementioned lack of moderation comes into play here.  No good comes from my addiction to sweets and delicious carbohydrates.  And, three... my relationship with my body has a direct correlation to what I'm putting in my body.

... And this weekend was proof enough.  An unbalanced diet, high on the processed carbs, multiple trips through the drive thru, and sweets on sweets on sweets... let's just say that I returned home with a high fat hangover - nauseated and exhausted. Five days later, and the mention of greasy food still turns my stomach.  But beyond the physical effects of my poor dietary choices (which cannot be underestimated) were the psychological and emotional effects of a week so deeply in contrast to my normal health habits.

Even more striking than my newfound lack of energy and new friend, nausea, which hung around for several days into a healthy-habits-filled week, was the return of my familiar foes, the ones that I hadn't seen for over a month: disappointment, self-hatred and self-pity (have I mentioned how much they suck?!).

I experienced a deep disappointment in myself and a sickening disgust when I thought about my body.  I felt - warning, I'm about to use the f-word - fat and weak, even though, in reality, it couldn't be farther from the truth.  My psyche felt what my body was experiencing, the churning consequences of an unhealthy lifestyle.

Researchers have discovered (and continue to discover) a distinct relationship between our dietary intake and our mental health.  They have found that a diet filled with unhealthy fats, refined carbohydrates and sugars - staples of both fast food and our favorite sit-down restaurants - is directly connected to an increased rate of depression, anxiety and hyperactivity (see article).  Others have found that these same foods undermine your sleep (could have told you that after last week!).  They have discovered, through research, what we instinctively know when we are in attunement with ourselves: our bodies, our minds, our spirits are deeply connected to how we feed ourselves.  

I cannot tell you how much I wish that I could turn back the hands of time and get my week back (and the days of miserable hangover that followed).  Bouncing back from a week, a month, a lifetime of giving into junk food cravings and poor diet choices takes work, not just physically but mentally -- fighting off the internal demons and carbohydrate cravings.  But the beautiful thing is that its never too late to recommit, to yourself, your body, and your future.

My relationship with my body has a direct correlation to what I'm putting in my body.  My week of unhealthy choices transported me temporarily to a place I have been before -- to the land of harsh self-criticism, deep anxiety and exhaustion.  Frankly, I never want to go there again.  Healthy living means a clean existence -- and bold living, whole living flows swiftly from there.

The truth is that the longer you live in the land of unhealthy choices, the harder it is to break that habit.  It's a new month.  The time is now.

For us, October means a commitment to changing our habits.  Changing the way we eat, changing the way we exercise.  What about you?  Where do you need to recommit?

Need some ideas?  What about adding in an afternoon workout in addition to your morning routine?  What about researching ways to eat in season?!  Autumn is a prime season for healthy, antioxidant rich foods.  Maybe you need to cut down on eating out.  Maybe you need to commit to getting more rest (let's face it, most of us fail to get the recommended zzz's).  What about changing your portion sizes?!

Whatever your health goals, start now.  Make your physical, and mental, well-being a priority.  And, as always, please be kind to yourself.

a little light for your day

As you'll see, this is not the typical video that I would post here at toliveboldly -- But I received a lovely reminder about this beautiful video from one of the greatest men in my life (my brother)... which just reminded me about how wonderful he is and how blessed I am to be his older sister.  It encapsulates so much about the human reality, love, death, family, life and joy... I hope that you enjoy this little bit of light.

oh the places we'll go

Jill McDonald via Positive Inkling

As I continue to blog, I am learning bits and pieces about myself.  For example, I have learned that I need to either write in silence (not even the beautiful harmonies of my favorite musicians can intrude) or inside of the white noise found only in the busiest of cafes.  I have learned that it takes days to seek out inspiration and hours to write and edit a post -- lovingly pouring over every word, every reflection (most commonly about learning to love ourselves through reflection and wellness), and, still, the habit to negatively criticize myself for poor writing or, more commonly, for being "not enough" in a post rears is ugly head... forcing me to challenge that self-doubt and actually live out the words that I write (for that I am eternally grateful).  This blog has inspired deeper reflection, more authentic living and the necessity to be patient with myself (and my body).  And, again, for that, I am undeniably, eternally, forever in debt to you all.

From you, I would ask for patience, as well -- as I transition from the Seattle transplant who has all the time in the world to read, write, workout and reflect to the real-world me, with distractions, stressors and, as you have read, the human frailty of the common cold.  This is where the rubber meets the road, where the desire to learn more, read more, reflect more is met with the need to pay bills, sleep and schedule life in.  As I said in last week's post, toliveboldly will be regularly updated each Friday with lovely little tidbits scattered in throughout the week for added flavor.

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This past week, I asked my twitter followers for suggestions for this week's blog posting, and thank goodness for their brilliance, as their suggestions provided plenty of reflective meat for me to chew on!

Little backstory... When I entered college as a freshman, I began my fall semester as a pre-med student.  I had, for years, created an image in my head of myself as a pediatrician or family practitioner (funny, even then, I knew that the hardcore elements of medicine would be too much for me...) and, when the pre-med advisors told us that only 1/3 of us would graduate with a pre-med concentration, I was sure that that would be me.  Obviously, we know how that turned out... 

I discovered, about halfway through my spring semester, that, while I most certainly could have lived out the 8-10+ years of med school and residency (gulp)... medicine was not my greatest passion.  And so I found myself taking classes in what is actually a true passion of mine -- the always intriguing field of human behavior.  I assumed that I was meant (see what I get when I assume?!) to be a therapist -- after all, isn't that what psychology majors are built for?  But this past year, after years on a path built for a therapy practice and six months into a graduate program for just that, I realized that I had built my path on a faulty assumption.  After withdrawing, I was left with the question... if not this, then what am I meant to do? 

I am continually fascinated by our society's concept of a career path.  In a world where the average person will change jobs every five years, we hold to the idea that we are meant for one career and built to see it through for the 30+ years that we reside in the working world.  We continue to ask children, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  We perpetuate the concept that whatever they choose - a policeman, a doctor, a dancer - will be what they are for the majority of their adult lives... almost as if that is the whole of the adult identity. But, while that may have been our nation's reality for previous generations and is actually how some individuals work best, for the majority of us, it will be an ever-changing, ever-evolving part of our lives. In fact, the transitions in our lives necessitate this evolution.  Just as the recent graduate wrestles with the question of "what next?" -- so too is the new retiree faced with the question of purpose: "How am I going to spend my time?  Where am I going to focus my passion?  What have I always wanted to do?" But, whether we are driven to find the one career that we can sink into for years or seemingly bounce from experience to experience, I believe that our career, our work, our "what I am I meant to do?" is not so much about defining our existence but about cultivating our truest selves and living out our life's purpose.

After withdrawing from my graduate program, I dove headfirst into answering the question of "what am I meant to do?"  I restructured my resume, I interviewed for positions I had never considered before, and I worked in fields that I would never have imagined for myself.  And, while I'll admit that I still feel far from knowing exactly where I would like to go in my career or how to get there, these experiences of reinvention were revealing and transformative.  I have learned that I have strengths, passions, things that get my fire burning and challenge me in a way that transcends my field of employment.  I have learned that there is power in community, both positive and negative, and I have since been more attuned to its effect.  I have felt certain elements resonate with my authentic self and others noisily grind in protest against it.  I have grown through actively seeking out new experiences as well as focusing inward to reflect on my deeper desires, goals, and priorities.

While, for me, my questions are, as of late, directed towards my future career path, my instinct is that this reflection is a transcendent part of life, one that can be applied to the future just as much as to how I am going to live out my purpose, my priorities, and my values in the present.  Our life's purpose -- which I would also define as our signature presence -- is more than what we do, it's who we are in this moment and what we impart, in our authenticity, to the world.

Our purpose, our understanding of it, and how it is lived out in the present moment is, with reflection, always changing, always growing -- the elements of our signature presence revealed and refined.  What about for you?  How are do you see your purpose -- your strengths, inclinations, passions and authentic self -- revealed?  How has it shaped your career aspirations or choices? How have you seen your signature presence revealed and refined?

Want to connect outside of toliveboldly?  Email me at toliveboldly at gmail dot com!

Have a beautiful weekend, my wonderful friends, and remember to be kind to yourself!

get up and move

Somehow, I managed to start autumn off on a rough note... with a sore throat and total lack of energy, but it's meant that this week has had a definite theme for me: getting and staying healthy.  This has resulted in me finding ways to workout despite the cold, forgoing the usual ramped up cardio workout for a low-key yoga session and biking or walking to run errands, eating healthy and, always, remembering to hydrate, hydrate, hydrate!

It's also meant a little extra time to do the personal research that I love -- finding new research, health tips and more -- which means that I get to pass them onto you!

As autumn ramps up with work, sports, school and more -- what are you doing to keep a fitness routine?!  I want to know!

Also, make sure you check out some of the benefits of an A.M. workout!

nugget

"The most common way people give up their power

is by thinking they don't have any."

Alice Walker

can food be addictive?

We've all experienced those insane cravings (did I forget to mention last week's desperate search for a chocolate fix that involved not one but two trips in the car to find satisfaction...?).  Whether its ice cream, cookies or your personal comfort food, researchers are recently discovering a link between our neurological firings and food addiction -- and the bingeing that sometimes goes along with it.

Check it out and leave your comment below!  What are your reactions?!

don't miss this

My deepest apologies for a lack in posting!  This week has, long story short, been an adventure -- one of knowing myself, making really tough decisions and putting emotional and mental health first!

As always, I am completely humbled that you are here to join me in living boldly. Every moment has been such a blessing -- challenging, definitely -- and such a gift.  I wanted to be as transparent as possible and let you wonderful people know that, starting on September 28th, I will be regularly updating each week on Fridays!  Make sure you check in throughout the week for the occasional irresistible snippet, link or health and wellness link!

Anyhow... Since leaving the Pacific Northwest, I have been completely in love with local Seattle music.  My absolute favorite, and one you CANNOT miss if you love good music, is the incredible Kris Orlowski Band.  Honestly, as soon as I hear the soothing, soulful sounds of Kris Orlowski's voice, I completely melt...  AND they are giving away a free download of a brand new collaboration with Seattle violinist Andrew Joslyn (whose sweet strings you can hear in collaboration with other Northwest artists, like Macklemore and Ryan Lewis)!!  Click on the image to check it out, I promise you won't regret it! (Did I mention that it's FREE?!)

Image via KrisOrlowski.com

doing the work

"Problems do not go away.  They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit."

The Road Less Traveled

M. Scott Peck

This past week has been a particularly difficult one for blog writing. Each time I would sit down at my computer to begin the process of brainstorming, writing and editing (and re-writing and re-editing), I found myself without inspiration.  And, while I could easily chalk it up to writers block or just plain laziness, the truth is that it was just a plain old difficult week.

Since moving to Flagstaff, I have found myself full of energy, excited to create change, live boldly, and explore the world of wellness.  I have been writing, reading, working out and... very slowly... learning how to cook healthful foods.  I have been able to battle those tricky self-critical thoughts with joyful exuberance and hopeful optimism.  And, while I have still been working out on a daily basis and maintaining my healthy diet, this week has been... different.  I have had moments of complete self-doubt, exhaustion and total vulnerability, fighting an internal battle between fear and courage.  Part of me cried out to return to a boxed-in version of myself, to give up and give in to my familiar counterparts - guilt and shame.  The other part of me battled back, fighting tooth and nail to stay strong, remain confident and trust the process. 

In essence, I was doing the work.

I just recently finished (as in... today) the book that I have been reading for almost a month - The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck.  My gorgeous and brilliant sister, two years my junior and one of the most honest, authentic and passionate women I have ever known, has been (not so subtly) suggesting that I read the book for almost three years now.  My mother, a sponge for wisdom and knowledge, followed suit, urging me to borrow her well-loved copy of the book.  I am not sure why I fought the suggestion for so long, but I am certain that there was a wisdom to why I waited until this moment to finally open the pages.

As it was my mother's copy of the book, loved over, ragged and missing its cover, I took notes in my journal, copying down passages word for word that inspired me as I read.  In looking the passages over, the passage above struck a chord in me: problems do not go away.  Do the work.

Perhaps it was the emotional result of the past week or the conversations that I have had with friends over the course of the past few days, but, whatever it was, I am reminded that this lifelong journey of self-discovery, positive self-change and internal opening is one of work.  It is inevitably one of pain, grunting, and fighting. But joy is its reward.  As Peck says,

"Move out or grow in any dimension and pain as well as joy will be your reward.  A full life will be full of pain.  But the only alternative is not to live fully or not to live at all."

The growing pains are just that... painful.  The honest truth is that, whether we choose to look at them, our negative patterns, deep-seated anxieties, and familial/cultural issues play out in our relationships, even in the one that we have with ourselves.  Prior to leaving Seattle, I saw a therapist for almost three years, and I can't tell you how much I have grown from the challenge of therapy.  But, there is still so much work to be done, so many internal assumptions to be challenged and negative patterns to be explored.  And, through all of it, freedom to be found.

To be truly compassionate, to love deeply, to live fully and wholly, we have to do the work.  If you've been waiting to make a commitment to yourself, don't waste another minute.  The war is full of fear and heartache, but there is liberation and joy found, as well.  Know that you are not alone, that there are others along the way, battling alongside you, allies in the struggle.  You are courageous and worth the fight.  

"Courage is not in the absence of fear; it is in the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future."

The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck

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On a personal note: If you are currently looking into finding a therapist, please do your research.  Look for reviews, ask trusted family/friends and get recommendations from your community.  Ask questions.  Not all therapists are created (trained) equal.  If you are in the Seattle metropolitan area, please do not hesitate to contact me for recommendations.

to love

While reading M. Scott Peck's book The Road Less Traveled (Why have I not read this book before?! Just goes to show you that my sister has some crazy wisdom - having recommended the book to me for the past three years...), I found this lovely and challenging reflection on how we love our partners.  I just knew that I had to share:

"The Prophet"

The Prophet of Kahlil Gabran, p. 15-16

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:

Let it rather be like a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.

Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,

Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.

For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:

For the pillars of the temple stand apart,

And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.