the autumnal blues

Despite that it is, in fact, one of my most favoritest times of the year (yes, I know, I made up a word), there is something about fall that brings out the blues in me.  Every year, without fail, October brings out a change in me that somehow mirrors the seasons -- a little chillier, a little more overcast.  A sneak peek into what it's looked like when I have, in fact, struggled with the creature that is depression.  And every year, I find that I try to deal with my blues by trying to hide them behind something else.  Shopping.  Eating.  Chick flicks.  Eating.

As you can see, in addition to my yearly patterns, my stress, anxiety and sadness cause me to call on my all-too-familiar coping mechanisms -- the ones that provide a surface-level mask to my emotion.  And I know that I'm not alone.  Maybe work is driving you crazy and all you want to do is bake and veg when you get home after your commute.  Maybe the chill in the air makes you want to stay in bed a little longer.  Maybe you're like me and the blues drive you to eat... well, anything.  Maybe you dive into a little retail therapy after a long week.  Maybe it's the couple glass of wine before bed. Whatever it is, you're not alone.

This year, foreseeing the annual autumnal blues, I've made it my personal mission to - rather than hide behind my coping mechanisms - to muster up some courage to feel and deal.  For me, that means being conscious of when I am feeling the most vulnerable, reaching for my support system, and sitting in the power of just feeling.  For me, that means taking a minute to think about why I'm reaching for that box of Junior Mints or craving that coffee or yearning to, well, escape.

Health is more than just what I eat and how often I workout.  It's more than the nutritional make-up of my lunch or how much protein I build into my day.  It's emotional, physical, spiritual, relational.  And to work for holistic health, healing and building every dimension of my life -- while there's no denying that it's very real (and sometimes painful) work to unmask and reveal -- means creating the space to reach my biggest, craziest, most wonderful dreams.  It's courageous, miraculous and the beginning of possibility.

How do you hide your blues?  What's stopping you from letting them be felt and seen and healed?  What dreams are yet to be explored in the unveiling?

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For more like this, visit Wellness by Kate at www.wellnessbykate.com.

because of the sadness

Louis C.K. explains, as only Louis C.K. can, why he won't give his children cell phones, and, in the midst of it all, visits the beauty of vulnerability, authenticity and the power of sadness.

**Be forewarned, profanity is present**

the potential of what might be

"A ship is safe in harbor,

but that's not what ships are for."

 

Warning: ugly admission approaching. 

 

I hate not being in control. 

 

It probably makes me sound like a crazy person, but, hey, that's the risk in being vulnerable, right?  I don't mean to say that I'm a raging control-freak or anal to the point of being maniacal... but there is a part of me that tenses at the unknown, an anxiety when confronted with the uncontrollable.  I fast-forward movies to know how the conflict resolves.  My monthly financial freak-outs result in hours of financial organization and pages of projected income/expense worksheets.  I am the queen of to-do lists, grocery lists, packing lists. 

 

I hate not being in control.

 

A few months ago, I began a new position working with a local social service agency here in Flagstaff.  Honestly, I love it.  It's challenging, enlivening, and awakens my creativity.  While our agency is huge and serves the vulnerable in our community in any number of ways, my role, as an in-home family support specialist, is quite specific.  I, along with my team, work with families that have been referred to us by state agencies, stepping-in in the their moment of crisis to stabilize the family and work through underlying issues.  Even on those days when it feels like our interventions are hitting a wall, I feel completely engaged in the challenge to transform.

 

However, like most social service non-profits, we are beholden to a larger financial structure... one that has been hit hard by budget cuts and economic depression.  Despite the work that we do, we are threatened with downsizing, lay-offs and more.  And, to be completely honest, as a planner, it's been... well, tough.  I play with the possibilities in my head, working out the logistics of each possible outcome.  I stress about the finances, consider other alternatives, question whether I should, in fact, be doing this work. 

 

But, over the weeks, my anxieties have transformed into a practice of letting go.  Where I once spent most of my time working out the options in my head, weighing each possibility and trying to find ways to control the outcomes, I finally realized that the truth is that... I am not in control.  While, yes, we can budget a little tighter, go out to dinner a little less, find ways to plan meals that capitalize on savings, I have to, sometimes daily, remind myself that I am not in control.  And, while I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or next week, or next month, the truth is that, at this moment, despite the unknown of the future, I have the choice to live with joy.  To realize that I love my life, my job, my family and my friends.  To be assured that, whatever comes down the pipeline, I am blessed, gifted and held. 

 

Believe me, it's not easy.  Many days, my anxieties get the best of me, my mind whirring on overdrive with logistics and outcomes.  But I remind myself that what comes will come and, whatever the outcome, today I get to practice letting those anxious urges go and just be present.  Instead of holding on, desperately grasping for control, I have the opportunity to open up and make room for the potential of what might be, potential that would be held captive by my quest for the knowledge of what comes next.

 

I hate not being in control.  But I'm working on it.

 

"You do not need to know precisely what is happening,

or exactly where it is all going.

What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges

offered by the present moment,

and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope."

-Thomas Merton-

the anxiety closet

For many of us, the holiday season is filled with stress and anxiety, family expectations and painful traditions.  Here's an beautiful, authentic article about how to move past our anxiety this holiday season.  Hint: it has something to do with seeing past ourselves.

numb the dark and you numb the light

Happy November, my dear friends!

I can't believe that it's already here, though the rows upon rows of Christmas decorations and toys are telling me that it's so (not that I'm one to complain... I am obsessed with the holiday season, something that I'm sure will be obvious in the coming weeks)!  

I pray that you all are safe and sound wherever you are -- I am sending love to all of you who experienced the wrath of Hurricane Sandy this past week, and I hope that you are warm and rested in your corner of the world.

For me, with each new month comes reflection.  I don't know what it is about the passing of each month, but something about the arrival of a new one reminds me to check my priorities, restructure my goals and recommit to my purpose.  It's as if the turning of that calendar page is a sobering reminder of the importance of mindfulness, somehow speaking deeply into my heart... don't let this experience pass you by, live in the present, be mindful of each day, each passing moment.

If you've been following along, you know that one of my recent literary goldmines has been the book Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown.  While I usually inhale a new book (like the one I finished yesterday while recovering from a sore throat in bed), this particular gem has had me working through it slowly.  It has so much goodness, so much meat to it, that I just want to savor every bite.  With each page, I am inspired and emboldened, not to mention soothed by the realization that my neuroses are quite normal.

To be completely honest... warning: moment of vulnerability here... while I attempt to keep a mask of cool, calm and control (gotta love that alliteration!), I am, sometimes (more frequently than I would like to be), a total ball of neurotic, anxious energy, albeit a very pretty and well-groomed one.  My insecure thoughts like to run away with themselves, jumping from presumed weakness to weakness with glee, leaving me (and, let's be honest, my sweetheart) with a blubbering mess of anxiety and shame.  Yeah, it's as fun as it sounds.

And, from what I've learned... while it might differ in degree or particular neuroses... I'm not alone.  We may not all dissolve into tears at the end of an anxiety-producing day, or be victim to the disease of overanalysis, but our anxieties, our shame-filled insecurites... well, they're pretty universal.  And, we all work through these painful pieces of vulnerability differently.  Some of us exercise.  Others of us eat.  Some of us direct that anxiety onto our partners, fearful of speaking the words of vulnerability.  Some of us are proactive, recognizing our patterns and creating boundaries to manage them in advance.  Some of us hide in perfectionism, while many protect ourselves by desperately guarding ourselves against that pain and limiting our joy, as well.  The list goes on...

But, in our society of crazy-busy, fill-every-moment, must-be-productive-ness, one of our most commonly used defenses is that of numbing.  We use food, substances, even daily distractions to avoid our pain, our naked vulnerability.  

Brene writes:

"... numbing vulnerability is especially debilitating because

it doesn't just deaden the pain of our difficult experiences;

numbing vulnerability also dulls our experiences of love, joy,

belonging, creativity, and empathy.

We can't selectively numb emotion.

Numb the dark and you numb the light."

While I was reading today, red holiday cup in hand and curled up in the comfy corner chair at my local Starbucks, I was struck with how deeply engrained our numbing-strategies are within our lives.  Brene speaks of it as a kind of addictive behavior, and while it may not be compulsive or chronic like addiction, our attempts to numb our vulnerability, shame, anxiety and disconnection are deep-seated and desperate.  We numb with comfort foods, that glass (or two or three) of wine after a long day, with pills.  It's so habitual that it's normalized, accepted, even suggested. But we've also learned to numb with the distractions around us -- the tv, the internet, our smartphones.  Instead of mindfulness, we've turned to mindless distractions, transforming what could be beautiful, relaxing or connecting -- your favorite tv show, fruitful conversation, long-distance connection -- into compulsion and desperation.  We lose track of time online instead of having that sometimes difficult conversation with our partner.  We choose social networks instead of spending quality time with our family.  We compulsively check our phones to the point of drowning out the social interaction around us.  We're so plugged in that we're tuned out.

"For me, it wasn't just the dance halls, cold beer, and Marlboro Lights 

of my youth that got so out of hand - it was banana bread, 

chips and queso, e-mail, work, staying busy, incessant worrying, planning, 

perfectionism, and anything else that could dull those agonizing 

and anxiety-fueled feelings of vulnerability."

-Brene Brown-

My habits of distraction are deeply engrained -- constantly checking my phone, my social networks, my email.  Sometimes, I miss out on conversation. Or a passing bit of beauty on a long drive. Sometimes, I use my favorite romcom to check out of life for a bit -- numbing my anxiety with the familiar actors and predictable story lines.  Other times, I use busyness to think about something else, anything else than the nagging anxiety. And I'm missing out on the tough, vulnerable, messy, and beautiful moments for growth and joy.  I am tired of the numbing distractions, the unconscious bingeing, the habits created out of a wounded desire to disconnect.

This month, I am intentionally practicing being plugged into life, unplugging my phone and computer (other than for studying purposes) after 9pm with a commitment to return only after breakfast the next morning.  On the other side of the world, I have a dear friend who is unplugging completely one day a week to reconnect and refresh.  What about you? Do you need to re-program how you eat? Or drink? How can you cultivate connection, practice self-compassion and explore vulnerability? Where have you numbed out?  I would love to create a community here where we can share and learn and grow together, because I know that I am learning so much from you.

Sending love your way.  Be kind to yourselves!

back to basics

"The earth has music for those who listen."

- G. Santayana -

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Today is a GOOD day -- leaves are turning, sun is shining (the best perk of living in Flagstaff, where they average 288 days of sunshine a year... basically the flip of my hometown of Seattle), and there is a brisk autumnal chill in the air!  Not to mention that it's my birthday weekend -- and I'm filling it will all sorts of little treats for myself!  

If you're a regular follower of toliveboldly, or, heck, even if you're not, you probably know that one of the major parts of my journey to live a bold and whole life is, in a raging battle against all of my lazy instincts, to stay active and workout daily!  While, I'll be honest, I have not been as consistent as I want to be in "officially" working out each day, I have made a concerted effort to stay active, walk where I can (another perk of Flagstaff, where almost everything is within walking/biking distance), and maintain an active lifestyle.  As my good friend, Caitlin over at Caitlin Lives Well, says, I work to get a little sweat into each day!

And, I have the little tricks that inspire me to get that sweat in.  My yoga mat in plain sight by the T.V.  My daily ritual (afforded to me by the mixed blessing of unemployment - soon to be remedied) of changing immediately into workout clothes, reminding me that, at any moment, I am ready to get up and move.  Yoga videos and workout videos already sitting in the DVD player -- ones that actually inspire me to work hard and don't make me feel completely incompetent while I do them (need suggestions? I've got 'em).  This journey is teaching me about parts of myself I never knew existed and ways to get my body moving with healthy and self-compassionate bits of inspiration (not the kinds that make me question my self-worth... which I've experienced before).  I'm sure that you've got your own tricks up your sleeve, which I do hope you'll share with all of us! 

However, even with these tricks, I'll be honest... my workout routine has gotten a little monotonous.  I know exactly what the instructor will say on those videos, and there are only so many times that you can walk to the grocery store or the coffee shop (did I mention that I was unemployed?).  Fortunately, just about the time when my workout routine had hit a little bit of a motivation-blockade, my inspiration to get moving was reawakened by a visit from my dad!  Instead of hanging around town (which, in a small place like Flagstaff, doesn't really keep you entertained for too long) or lounging at home, his visit inspired us to explore farther -- into our extended Arizona backyard!  We hiked the West Fork Trail outside of Sedona (which, incredibly, peaks in autumnal brilliance in the third week of October) and ventured farther to the town-perched-on-a-hill, Jerome. Each day, my thighs burned and my feet ached, but my heart was full.  

Me and Dad on West Fork Trail in Sedona, Arizona.

Photo Credit: P. McCarthy

 Breathtaking views and incredible colors on the West Fork Trail.

Photo Credit: P. McCarthy

A rare photo of just me at Slide Rock State Park.

Photo Credit: C. Krueger

The crisp fall air and changing leaves, not to mention the glorious rising cliffs and flowing streams, were just what I needed.  To get out and moving, to explore somewhere new, to appreciate our surroundings and reconnect with our natural foundation was more than just a workout, it was a spiritual experience, one that proved rejuvenating and energizing.  It transformed my conception of a workout -- reminding me that to be physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy requires more than just scheduled exercise, it takes venturing out, doing something different and exploring the breathtaking beauty of our earth (which, apparently, Arizona has in spades).  It takes getting back to basics.

My daily workout routine is not perfect.  Some days, I kick butt, energized by the adrenaline.  Other days, I battle my inner couch-potato for dominance.  But, looking out my window, into my Aspen-filled courtyard, I am reminded that I have a few more tricks up my sleeve for inspiration.  

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"Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves

of strength that will endure as long as life lasts.  There is something

infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature --

the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter."

-R. Carlson-

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a mindful diet

Happy Wednesday!

I am so excited to share this little tidbit with you all!  As you all know, I'm always on the lookout for new research regarding health and wellness, and, while I am most certainly not an expert, I am so inspired by some new research in healthy living: mindful eating.

To live holistically, fully, boldly, requires presence, mindfulness.  And research shows that to bring the concept of mindfulness -- a foundational aspect of whole living practices like meditation and yoga -- to our eating can transform our diets.  This transformation reawakens our instincts for healthy portion sizes and creates new avenues for the greater rewards of emotional stability and joyful living!

Check it out and tell me what you think!  Mindful Eating and the Psychology of Feeling Full.