love this

It's no secret that one of my favorite researchers, writers and storytellers is the lovely Brene Brown, who shares with us about the depths of shame, the reality of being in the arena and fighting the good fight of authenticity and compassion, and our own power to know and love ourselves.

I wanted to share with you Brene's own advice on how to cultivate vulnerability in your own life and who deserves to hear your story.

we need to talk

Supervisor: Hey, Katie, do you have time to chat this afternoon?

The words set off an immediate reaction. The equivalent of hearing your partner say, "We need to talk."

Me: Yeah, sure, of course!

Let the internal freak-out begin. Must keep a smile on my face. Don't let the anxiety show.

Supervisor: Half an hour or so?

Me: Perfect!

Perfect?!  Who am I kidding?  I just want to get it over with.  As I return to my office, I can almost hear my mind whirring with the possibilities.  Immediately, I fly into assumption-mode.  What did I do wrong?  Paperwork?  Did I cross a boundary?  Did I say something wrong?  My mind churns, as I try to think back on where I could have misstepped. 

This, by the way, has always been my first reaction, my first assumption.  What did I do wrong?  As a lifelong perfectionist, my reactions are steeped in shame.  I've become a pro at critical self-talk -- my arsenal full of personal flaws, at the ready for moments like these.  If something goes wrong, my first assumption is that that thing must be me.  Playing the self-blame game has become almost second-nature, damaging not only my relationship with myself but my relationships with those that I love.  Instead of opening up moments of conflict to become opportunities for authentic relational growth, it causes me to focus on my personal short-comings rather than the potential in strengthening my most valued connections.

But, as in all things, I am learning -- with the help of my partner, family and friends -- to transform that instinct for critical self-talk into some serious opportunities for self-love.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about one of the new books that I'm reading, The Happiness Project by author Gretchen Rubin -- who, utilizing wisdom from academics and philosophers alike, lived (and wrote about) a year of integrating different happiness practices in her life.  Last week, after visiting her (pretty fabulous) website, I signed up for her "Happier at Home: 21-Day Relationship Challenge."  Each day, Gretchen sends, via email, a different tip for integrating happiness practices into your relationship -- make sure you check them out, it's not too late to sign up!  The funny thing is that, while I am so inspired in learning new ways to love my partner, her tips are teaching me new ways to love myself!  Only five days into a three-week challenge, I am finding that each of her tips can be transformed into a practice of self-compassion.

Day One: Kiss in the morning, Kiss in the night. Ok, ok, it doesn't directly translate, but the practice of showing yourself and your loved ones affection, does.  Why not use this moment to listen to your body and show it some serious love?  Take a bath, go for a run, take a yoga class.  How do you show your body appreciation and love?

Day Two: Give gold stars.  You make it a habit to verbally affirm those around you, whether they are family, friends or co-workers.  Why not turn it around on yourself?  Take this moment to appreciate one of your strengths.  Say it out loud if you want to -- you need to hear it.

Day Three: Make the positive argument.  One of the first lessons in fair fighting is to never make broad generalizations.  Finding yourself speaking some critical self-talk?  Use this moment to turn it around.  Instead of listening to your internal self-critic as it speaks to your weakness, take this moment to instead focus on what makes you strong.

Day Four: Under-react to a problem.  Ok, so we all screw up, we all have moments of stress or anxiety.  Don't ignore or minimize the responsibilities that you have, but take this moment to breathe and "under-react," facing your stressors or that screw-up from a place of peace and calm.

Day Five: Give warm greetings and farewells. So... I had a harder time applying this directly.  But I realized that, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I rarely take the time to kindly greet myself and speak kindness to my body.  Speak some love -- what do you appreciate about your body?

What about YOU?!  How do you find opportunities to cultivate self-compassion?!

By the way, as it usually happens, my talk with my supervisor had nothing to do with any mistakes that I made.  My critical self-talk and search for flaws was just my shame speaking.

a season of health

Photo credit: K. Krueger, 2012

Happy Friday, friends!

It feels as though it has been an eternity since my last substantial post -- though, I'll be honest, I was so grateful to take a week off and really be present during the Thanksgiving holiday.  We drove down to Phoenix and spent the most relaxing weekend with family and friends.  On Thanksgiving Day, my honey and I both unplugged from phones, computers and social media (other than phone calls to my amazing family in Seattle and New York), and it was the most beautiful blessing.  Such a freeing experience to be fully present to the moment!  Crazy enough, it was almost a culture shock to return to it all the day after!

The most beautiful part of the weekend?! (Other than fabulous family and friends, of course.)

We have "officially" entered the most wonderful time of the year!  It might seem ridiculous, it might seem cheesy... but I am a certified holiday nutcase (which should come as no surprise to most of you).  And, while I'll be honest and admit that I snuck in my fair share of Christmas tunes before the Thanksgiving holiday, I feel like I am finally free to let my Christmas-loving, winter-adoring flag fly high!  There are moments, the ones where I am twirling to Christmas music or find myself filled with childlike wonder at a holiday display, that I catch my sweetheart staring at me, eyes laughing and a huge smile across his face as he watches his love captured by the joy of the season.  Each day, when I get to return home after a day of work to light candles and curl up, basking in the light of the Christmas tree, I am filled with gratitude and warmth.  The living room is decked out in holiday joy and my sketchbook is covered with wintery and hopeful inspiration.  It's the joy that makes even the coldest days a little warmer.

But my deep love for this season inspires in me an even greater appreciation for its flip-side.  Hidden within the glittery trappings of the Christmas season, there lies a pervasive sadness, filled with consumerism, anxiety, loneliness and poverty.  For many of us, this is the most painful time of the year.  Holiday stressors - both material and emotional - cause many of us (myself included) to react in destructive ways, many of which are socially accepted during this time of year. We spend a fortune, losing ourselves in overcrowded malls trying to find the biggest, best, newest gifts. We indulge ourselves in delicious foods - hiding our stress in emotional eating. We use substances to numb our anxiety. We turn inward rather than finding connection in community. And, in my opinion, some of it is only natural. For many of us, this season, while bright and light and joyful on the outside, also contains some of our most painful memories.  Those internalized family traumas, the disappointment of unrealized hopes, the painful reality of financial and emotional strain.

This month, as the holiday triggers present themselves in very real ways, I am inspired to explore - with you by my side - how to find, maintain and thrive through emotional and physical health. 

For me, my anxiety presents itself in the desire to eat every sweet in sight (and there are so many delicious ones!), and I am only now learning how to create healthy habits to combat my desire to drown my stress in sugar.  Whether its family anxiety, financial pressure or just the sadness we can't place, there are so many ways to create healthy habits rather than allowing ourselves to be victim to destructive reactions and patterns!

What about for you?! As you look inward, where do you desire to grow this month? Share in the comments below!

numb the dark and you numb the light

Happy November, my dear friends!

I can't believe that it's already here, though the rows upon rows of Christmas decorations and toys are telling me that it's so (not that I'm one to complain... I am obsessed with the holiday season, something that I'm sure will be obvious in the coming weeks)!  

I pray that you all are safe and sound wherever you are -- I am sending love to all of you who experienced the wrath of Hurricane Sandy this past week, and I hope that you are warm and rested in your corner of the world.

For me, with each new month comes reflection.  I don't know what it is about the passing of each month, but something about the arrival of a new one reminds me to check my priorities, restructure my goals and recommit to my purpose.  It's as if the turning of that calendar page is a sobering reminder of the importance of mindfulness, somehow speaking deeply into my heart... don't let this experience pass you by, live in the present, be mindful of each day, each passing moment.

If you've been following along, you know that one of my recent literary goldmines has been the book Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown.  While I usually inhale a new book (like the one I finished yesterday while recovering from a sore throat in bed), this particular gem has had me working through it slowly.  It has so much goodness, so much meat to it, that I just want to savor every bite.  With each page, I am inspired and emboldened, not to mention soothed by the realization that my neuroses are quite normal.

To be completely honest... warning: moment of vulnerability here... while I attempt to keep a mask of cool, calm and control (gotta love that alliteration!), I am, sometimes (more frequently than I would like to be), a total ball of neurotic, anxious energy, albeit a very pretty and well-groomed one.  My insecure thoughts like to run away with themselves, jumping from presumed weakness to weakness with glee, leaving me (and, let's be honest, my sweetheart) with a blubbering mess of anxiety and shame.  Yeah, it's as fun as it sounds.

And, from what I've learned... while it might differ in degree or particular neuroses... I'm not alone.  We may not all dissolve into tears at the end of an anxiety-producing day, or be victim to the disease of overanalysis, but our anxieties, our shame-filled insecurites... well, they're pretty universal.  And, we all work through these painful pieces of vulnerability differently.  Some of us exercise.  Others of us eat.  Some of us direct that anxiety onto our partners, fearful of speaking the words of vulnerability.  Some of us are proactive, recognizing our patterns and creating boundaries to manage them in advance.  Some of us hide in perfectionism, while many protect ourselves by desperately guarding ourselves against that pain and limiting our joy, as well.  The list goes on...

But, in our society of crazy-busy, fill-every-moment, must-be-productive-ness, one of our most commonly used defenses is that of numbing.  We use food, substances, even daily distractions to avoid our pain, our naked vulnerability.  

Brene writes:

"... numbing vulnerability is especially debilitating because

it doesn't just deaden the pain of our difficult experiences;

numbing vulnerability also dulls our experiences of love, joy,

belonging, creativity, and empathy.

We can't selectively numb emotion.

Numb the dark and you numb the light."

While I was reading today, red holiday cup in hand and curled up in the comfy corner chair at my local Starbucks, I was struck with how deeply engrained our numbing-strategies are within our lives.  Brene speaks of it as a kind of addictive behavior, and while it may not be compulsive or chronic like addiction, our attempts to numb our vulnerability, shame, anxiety and disconnection are deep-seated and desperate.  We numb with comfort foods, that glass (or two or three) of wine after a long day, with pills.  It's so habitual that it's normalized, accepted, even suggested. But we've also learned to numb with the distractions around us -- the tv, the internet, our smartphones.  Instead of mindfulness, we've turned to mindless distractions, transforming what could be beautiful, relaxing or connecting -- your favorite tv show, fruitful conversation, long-distance connection -- into compulsion and desperation.  We lose track of time online instead of having that sometimes difficult conversation with our partner.  We choose social networks instead of spending quality time with our family.  We compulsively check our phones to the point of drowning out the social interaction around us.  We're so plugged in that we're tuned out.

"For me, it wasn't just the dance halls, cold beer, and Marlboro Lights 

of my youth that got so out of hand - it was banana bread, 

chips and queso, e-mail, work, staying busy, incessant worrying, planning, 

perfectionism, and anything else that could dull those agonizing 

and anxiety-fueled feelings of vulnerability."

-Brene Brown-

My habits of distraction are deeply engrained -- constantly checking my phone, my social networks, my email.  Sometimes, I miss out on conversation. Or a passing bit of beauty on a long drive. Sometimes, I use my favorite romcom to check out of life for a bit -- numbing my anxiety with the familiar actors and predictable story lines.  Other times, I use busyness to think about something else, anything else than the nagging anxiety. And I'm missing out on the tough, vulnerable, messy, and beautiful moments for growth and joy.  I am tired of the numbing distractions, the unconscious bingeing, the habits created out of a wounded desire to disconnect.

This month, I am intentionally practicing being plugged into life, unplugging my phone and computer (other than for studying purposes) after 9pm with a commitment to return only after breakfast the next morning.  On the other side of the world, I have a dear friend who is unplugging completely one day a week to reconnect and refresh.  What about you? Do you need to re-program how you eat? Or drink? How can you cultivate connection, practice self-compassion and explore vulnerability? Where have you numbed out?  I would love to create a community here where we can share and learn and grow together, because I know that I am learning so much from you.

Sending love your way.  Be kind to yourselves!

love thyself

"... we can only love others as much as we love ourselves."

Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Everyday, at 5:00pm, my alarm goes off on my phone and blinks the word, "kindness."  More than just announcing the end of the classic work day, this little reminder is one of the ways that I actively work to love myself.  My youngest sister calls this my "say-something-nice" time -- a moment where the rest of the world freezes, and I take a split second to appreciate and honor who I am with the tiniest little inward expression of kindness.  God bless her little heart, she's jumped on the bandwagon, too, choosing to use my 5pm reminder to speak kindness to me.  Just the other day, while we were Skyping (what a beautiful, miraculous invention!), she said that she wanted to give me my compliment in advance, bringing me close to tears when she told me, "I love seeing you smile... oh, and you do a really good job cutting [the boyfriend's] hair."  

Which, by the way, I do.

The truth is that I have a habit of being my own worst critic.  Every tiny flaw, every little blemish, every moment of imperfection -- my instinct is to seize it and use it to further prove to myself that I am not enough.  Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not successful enough, not good enough... on and on.  And I know that I am not the only one.

We live in a society where we are never enough, and, despite the narcissistic leanings of our culture, the "love" that we may have for ourselves is oftentimes a mask for the shame, insecurity and fear of being "not enough."  We cake on our make-up, bulk up our muscles, and stroke our egos.  I think of our usage of social networks, the masks that we carefully reveal to the world, and the inner comparisons of our daily lives to others' "highlight reel."  Our "love" is the armor we put on when we don't believe that we are worthy of being loved, even by ourselves.  Even more than that, we are taught that to appreciate the deeply beautiful parts of ourselves is to break some fundamental societal rule.  Ask almost anyone and they will tell you ten things that they think are wrong with them before opening up with what is most right with them.  To appreciate our greatest qualities is an act of vulnerability, to do it in public a frightening rebellion against the norm.  We've confused humility with self-deprecation.  We somehow believe that loving others means denying ourselves the same compassion.  

There was a point, about a year ago, when I was just fed up, exhausted even, with how I treated myself.  I was my own bully.  It was heartbreaking and internally degrading.  But I felt tied to this pattern of self-deprecation, confused about how to truly love myself without being "in love" with myself.  There was something almost scary about entertaining the idea of loving who I was and an unhealthy comfort in the familiarity of the shame I experienced -- like opening that door to love would be more work, more pain.

And guess what?  I was right.  Opening that door sucked, in a way.  But it was worth the work, worth the pain in the discovery of unhealthy patterns and relationships, worth the painstaking unveiling of the greatest parts of who I am.  And it has left me with deep gratitude.  I am grateful for a remarkable therapist who inspired my "say-something-nice" reminders, which, by the way, began as a three-times-a-day practice.   I am grateful for the reminders from family and friends to be kind to myself.  And guess what else?  I am finding that I am grateful for who I am, as well.  

To truly love others, to be in whole, complete, vulnerable and compassionate relationship with others, requires that we first love ourselves.  When I actively practice self-love, my relationships with others are deepened.  It changes the way that I love my partner, my family, my closest friends.  And, hey, if that weren't enough, I'm just plain happier.  It's transformative.  In fact, studies show that self-compassion (which goes beyond the highly touted self-esteem) could be the "key to unlocking your true potential," as well as a barrier against anxiety.

As for me, my daily "say-something-nice" time is only one weapon in my arsenal of self-compassion.  How about you?  What weapons are in your arsenal? 

doing the work

"Problems do not go away.  They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit."

The Road Less Traveled

M. Scott Peck

This past week has been a particularly difficult one for blog writing. Each time I would sit down at my computer to begin the process of brainstorming, writing and editing (and re-writing and re-editing), I found myself without inspiration.  And, while I could easily chalk it up to writers block or just plain laziness, the truth is that it was just a plain old difficult week.

Since moving to Flagstaff, I have found myself full of energy, excited to create change, live boldly, and explore the world of wellness.  I have been writing, reading, working out and... very slowly... learning how to cook healthful foods.  I have been able to battle those tricky self-critical thoughts with joyful exuberance and hopeful optimism.  And, while I have still been working out on a daily basis and maintaining my healthy diet, this week has been... different.  I have had moments of complete self-doubt, exhaustion and total vulnerability, fighting an internal battle between fear and courage.  Part of me cried out to return to a boxed-in version of myself, to give up and give in to my familiar counterparts - guilt and shame.  The other part of me battled back, fighting tooth and nail to stay strong, remain confident and trust the process. 

In essence, I was doing the work.

I just recently finished (as in... today) the book that I have been reading for almost a month - The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck.  My gorgeous and brilliant sister, two years my junior and one of the most honest, authentic and passionate women I have ever known, has been (not so subtly) suggesting that I read the book for almost three years now.  My mother, a sponge for wisdom and knowledge, followed suit, urging me to borrow her well-loved copy of the book.  I am not sure why I fought the suggestion for so long, but I am certain that there was a wisdom to why I waited until this moment to finally open the pages.

As it was my mother's copy of the book, loved over, ragged and missing its cover, I took notes in my journal, copying down passages word for word that inspired me as I read.  In looking the passages over, the passage above struck a chord in me: problems do not go away.  Do the work.

Perhaps it was the emotional result of the past week or the conversations that I have had with friends over the course of the past few days, but, whatever it was, I am reminded that this lifelong journey of self-discovery, positive self-change and internal opening is one of work.  It is inevitably one of pain, grunting, and fighting. But joy is its reward.  As Peck says,

"Move out or grow in any dimension and pain as well as joy will be your reward.  A full life will be full of pain.  But the only alternative is not to live fully or not to live at all."

The growing pains are just that... painful.  The honest truth is that, whether we choose to look at them, our negative patterns, deep-seated anxieties, and familial/cultural issues play out in our relationships, even in the one that we have with ourselves.  Prior to leaving Seattle, I saw a therapist for almost three years, and I can't tell you how much I have grown from the challenge of therapy.  But, there is still so much work to be done, so many internal assumptions to be challenged and negative patterns to be explored.  And, through all of it, freedom to be found.

To be truly compassionate, to love deeply, to live fully and wholly, we have to do the work.  If you've been waiting to make a commitment to yourself, don't waste another minute.  The war is full of fear and heartache, but there is liberation and joy found, as well.  Know that you are not alone, that there are others along the way, battling alongside you, allies in the struggle.  You are courageous and worth the fight.  

"Courage is not in the absence of fear; it is in the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future."

The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck

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On a personal note: If you are currently looking into finding a therapist, please do your research.  Look for reviews, ask trusted family/friends and get recommendations from your community.  Ask questions.  Not all therapists are created (trained) equal.  If you are in the Seattle metropolitan area, please do not hesitate to contact me for recommendations.

"should"

Stop "should-ing" yourself.  I could NOT have said it better.

With love, 

A perpetual "should-er"

with your whole heart

Oh. My. Goodness.  I just rewatched this for I think the 20th time (yes, it's THAT good) -- and I knew that I had to share it with you all.  Please, I beg you, carve 20 minutes out of your day to check this out! I would love to know your thoughts and reactions!

when things fall apart

Good evening, my beautiful friends!  I hope that you had a lovely Labor Day weekend and are settling sweetly into another week.  This past weekend, my dearest and I had a full weekend, traveling to Phoenix for a couple of days for an extended-family Labor Day picnic followed up with a hike through the Lava Tubes just north of Flagstaff!  It was so lovely to get out and do something active on such a beautiful weekend, especially after a whirlwind couple of days down south.  Plus, it was strenuous enough to definitely count for a workout!  What about you?!

------------------------------

Via ModCloth

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One of my recent subjects of contemplation over the past few weeks (yes, I know... there are quite a few!) has been about what happens when the decision you've made, the effort you've invested or the changes you've begun seem to have been in vain.  You can't see a result, you've hit a wall, you've failed (or at least convinced yourself that you have).  For me, there is an ingrained fear within... that I'll make a mistake, end up disappointed, or feel as though I have failed.  And there is a survival instinct within me that tells me to hide, to stay small, to choose only the paths that are assured and known.  A little voice speaks, saying, "Don't make a mess, don't make a change.  You may want more out of life, but you don't know how it will turn out.  Stay where you know." Fortunately, there is also a courageous voice, one that SHOUTS to be bold, make mistakes, and choose the messiness of life in its fullness.

The truth is that bold choices sometimes leave us prostrate, face-down on the floor, as we've tripped and fallen, made a mistake or "failed."  Maybe your business plan, the one you've put your blood, sweat, and tears into, halts to a stop.  Maybe you've made drastic changes to your lifestyle, quit smoking, changed your diet, made daily exercise a priority, whatever it might be... and still don't see results.  Maybe a relationship ends.  Maybe you wake up one day and realize that the career-plan you've envisioned for yourself isn't what you're meant for.  With bold living comes the risk of failure.  In an attempt to live more courageously, more fully, we are bound to make mistakes.  We are hurt, disappointed, discouraged.

But the greater truth is that these mistakes are the seeds of beautiful, courageous fruit (sounds delicious, doesn't it?).  Our mistakes, failures, rejections - whatever it is that you want to call them - they are gold for learning and growth.  We are supposed to make mistakes, it's part of the human existence.  Even the fabulously wise (nerd alert!) Albus Dumbledore said, "I make mistakes like the next man.  In fact, being -- forgive me -- rather cleverer than most men, my mistakes tend to be correspondingly huger." 

It's not easy to get up and try again. I am an intense perfectionist -- every mistake, every failure, every disappointment... it knocks me down hard (sometimes for days or weeks... honestly). I take my disappointments to heart, and it takes a huge step of internal courage to shake it off.   And there is fear in that.  To change my career path, my home, my lifestyle -- there is fear in that risk.  What if I don't succeed?  What if I struggle financially, emotionally, physically?  There are days when my new commitment to wellness doesn't seem like it's doing anything.  There are days when I don't know if I will reach my career goals.  But, ultimately, I have the choice between living a life of fear - scared to make a mistake, scared to take a risk - or to live boldly, courageously, wholly.  Each mistake, failure, rejection, wall you hit, is a building block for success.  As Henry Ford says, "The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing."  I know that it might seem cliche, but positive change creates positive results.  Bold living means taking a risk - facing the fear of failure or disappointment - but it's this bold living that creates courageous success.  

Whatever positive, bold moves you are making -- remember that you are courageous and strong, strong enough to fail big.  Let go of that fear.  Step into the possibilities for greater learning and growth.  Make some huge mistakes and surprise yourself with your success, even when it doesn't look like you thought it would.  

"Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor."

Truman Copote

Jay Roeder via Positive Inkling