the autumnal blues

Despite that it is, in fact, one of my most favoritest times of the year (yes, I know, I made up a word), there is something about fall that brings out the blues in me.  Every year, without fail, October brings out a change in me that somehow mirrors the seasons -- a little chillier, a little more overcast.  A sneak peek into what it's looked like when I have, in fact, struggled with the creature that is depression.  And every year, I find that I try to deal with my blues by trying to hide them behind something else.  Shopping.  Eating.  Chick flicks.  Eating.

As you can see, in addition to my yearly patterns, my stress, anxiety and sadness cause me to call on my all-too-familiar coping mechanisms -- the ones that provide a surface-level mask to my emotion.  And I know that I'm not alone.  Maybe work is driving you crazy and all you want to do is bake and veg when you get home after your commute.  Maybe the chill in the air makes you want to stay in bed a little longer.  Maybe you're like me and the blues drive you to eat... well, anything.  Maybe you dive into a little retail therapy after a long week.  Maybe it's the couple glass of wine before bed. Whatever it is, you're not alone.

This year, foreseeing the annual autumnal blues, I've made it my personal mission to - rather than hide behind my coping mechanisms - to muster up some courage to feel and deal.  For me, that means being conscious of when I am feeling the most vulnerable, reaching for my support system, and sitting in the power of just feeling.  For me, that means taking a minute to think about why I'm reaching for that box of Junior Mints or craving that coffee or yearning to, well, escape.

Health is more than just what I eat and how often I workout.  It's more than the nutritional make-up of my lunch or how much protein I build into my day.  It's emotional, physical, spiritual, relational.  And to work for holistic health, healing and building every dimension of my life -- while there's no denying that it's very real (and sometimes painful) work to unmask and reveal -- means creating the space to reach my biggest, craziest, most wonderful dreams.  It's courageous, miraculous and the beginning of possibility.

How do you hide your blues?  What's stopping you from letting them be felt and seen and healed?  What dreams are yet to be explored in the unveiling?

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For more like this, visit Wellness by Kate at www.wellnessbykate.com.

belated blog-iversary

"People change all the time and forget to tell each other."

Lillian Gershwin

A little over a week ago, on a wholly blessed trip back home to the Pacific Northwest, I did it.  I chopped off my hair.  It was a spur of the moment decision, one only made at a trusted salon and with my super supportive sweetheart by my side.  I have no idea how to style it each morning (Have I mentioned that I have the lowest-maintenance beauty regimen ever?), but the change was made. 

You're probably wondering where I am going with this.  It's not often that I choose to talk about my hair (it's pretty unspectacular, as far as I am concerned)... but stay with me. For the first few days, I was deeply aware of the transition -- trying to find my way around a blow-dryer again, grateful for excited comments from family and friends.  But, after a few days, after returning to Flagstaff and daily routines, I found myself completely forgetting that, just last week, I had a set of long, luscious locks.  Co-workers and friends would comment about my "new do," and I would find myself searching for a few moments to remember that I did indeed look strikingly different from the last time they had seen me.  The novelty, the conscious recognition of change had worn off, and it took friends, family, the outside world to remind me that there had indeed been a transformation.

Last week, on my Facebook page (have you had a chance to "like" it yet?), I shared a link to a blog post by Danielle LaPorte on Celebrating Your Evolution.  In the post, she speaks about recognizing our transformation, acknowledging our changes and, as the title would suggest, celebrating our evolution! 

I am regrettably about a month behind in recognizing this, but, in August, To Live Boldly celebrated it's one year anniversary! Can you believe it? One year of reflection, 365 days of self-disclosure, 12 months of transformations in vulnerability and wellness.  A year of experimentation, of introspection, and of growth. A year of falling on my face, of risk-taking, of blunders that lead to joyful self-discovery.

Danielle's post inspired me to think about this past year of life in Flagstaff and the transformations, both painful and natural, that have occurred from taking this big, fat risk.  How do I see the world differently?  Where have my priorities changed?  How do I look at myself differently now?  My partner? My loved ones?

My world has changed dramatically.  I still seek and search and honestly have no idea what the future will bring, but I have discovered passion and self-acceptance and greater depths of joy.  My relationships have transformed, growing deeper as they change shape.  My desires for myself, my future, my health have shifted, and my ability to prioritize my joy is finally taking form.

I have been anxiously awaiting the shift into a new season -- there is a refreshing newness that comes with the turning of the leaves -- and what better time to take a moment to celebrate all that has transformed since we last welcomed Autumn?

What about you?  Whether in the last month, last year, or last ten years, take a moment to appreciate your transformation.

lovely, lovely love song.

Photo courtesy of Mary Lambert

She says, I smell like safety and home

I named both of her eyes, 'forever' and 'please don't go'

I have featured her poetry here before, and I am sure that most of you have heard her incredible voice emanating from the speakers on your radio... but Mary Lambert, the co-author of "Same Love," which went platinum just this past month, by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, is making some melodious waves herself in a release based on the same song. 

Whether you're gay, straight, or somewhere in between, "She Keeps Me Warm" puts words to love, with the graceful power of Mary's voice behind them.  It is intimate and deeply personal, resonating with the universal experience of being truly in love -- comfortable, life-giving, and exhilarating.  If you haven't had a chance to listen, do it. Listen, share, download.  And, if you have a moment, read her thoughts behind the release of this oh-so-personal single.

a beautiful conversation

To my dearest friends --

I wanted to pass this article along to you -- it is a strikingly beautiful piece about race, respect, history and humanity -- "Why I Don't Want to Talk About Race."  As always, I would love to know your thoughts, reactions, emotions and reflections!  If you enjoyed it, please pass it on!

Have a wonderful weekend!

Me.

love this

It's no secret that one of my favorite researchers, writers and storytellers is the lovely Brene Brown, who shares with us about the depths of shame, the reality of being in the arena and fighting the good fight of authenticity and compassion, and our own power to know and love ourselves.

I wanted to share with you Brene's own advice on how to cultivate vulnerability in your own life and who deserves to hear your story.

one kitchen table at a time

Eat real food.

Not too much.

Mostly plants.

-Michael Pollan-

The food that we eat is changing.  Genetically modified produce and processed foods blanket our grocery story shelves - playing a role in over 85% of the foods in conventional grocery stores.  And, without awareness, we are allowing these foods to change the way that we eat, the way that we live, the way that our bodies function and respond.  The incidence of childhood food allergies are skyrocketing. The impact on our environment is irreparable.  And agri-commerce companies don't want you to know.

But things are changing.  Just this past week, Chipotle revealed its list of GMO ingredients, announcing plans to phase out their use in restaurants nationwide.  There are dozens of GMO-labeling bills working their way through our legislative systems, and Connecticut proved victorious in passing their own GMO-labeling bill just this past week.  Nationwide activism continues to put pressure on Washington to repeal the Monsanto Protection Act.  And countries around the world are rejecting the use of GMO crops, as evidenced by Hungary's recent burning of 1,000 acres of GMO corn.

We don't have to be blind consumers.  Our Food Industry relies on our continued support... and, with greater knowledge, more awareness and a commitment to the health of ourselves, our children and our world, we have the power to take a stand, one kitchen table at a time.

In honor of today's International March Against Monsanto, the world's most prominent agri-commerce giant and creators of Round-Up Ready crops and pesticides, I wanted to pass along two sides of the story.  Read up.  Watch the video.  Do your own research. Stand for real food.

READ --> "Listening to the Women of Monsanto."

WATCH -->

ag-gag legislation

Whether you're a vegetarian, a vegan or a meat eater...

this impacts you.

to come alive

Photo via French by Design

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My deepest apologies for the inconsistency in my bloggery lately!  As I said before, life has thrown a number of challenges and unexpected blessings my way, and it's been quite the task to take them all in and digest them.  Needless to say, it hasn't left much time for organizing those thoughts and reflections into a comprehensible blog post!

A couple of months ago, as we rolled into 2013, I began reading The Happiness Project, which chronicles one woman's year-long exploration into what makes people happy.  Each month takes on small life-changes, wrapped neatly (and hilariously) around a monthly theme.  January tackled boosting energy, while February worked through remembering love and relationships.  Amazingly enough, March's theme was centered on bringing happiness practices into work.  A couple of months ago, after weeks of corporate uncertainty and waffling, my hours working for a local non-profit here in Flagstaff were dramatically reduced.  In the weeks after receiving notification that my hours were to be cut in half, losing my health insurance and the knowledge of certain income, I spent hours (mixed in with anxiety-fueled freakout sessions) reflecting on my next step.  Do I move on from my years in social services?  Do I hold out for the possibility of added hours?  How do I maintain my motivation and my dedication to the families that I serve without knowing what the future holds?  Is this a tragedy... or an opportunity?

Opportunity.  It was this last question that proved the most inspirational for me during my bouts of uncertainty and anxiety.  It's as if the insecurity of my position was just the thing to knock me out of my career complacency and out of my comfort zone.  I was forced to ask myself the question: if not this, then what?  What would I do if I could do anything?  What changes would I make if I knew that I could not fail?  What changes would I make even if I failed?

The unknown and uncertain awakened in me the reality of possibility.  I could finally begin working towards goals that I had set aside for another day, could finally go after what I am passionate about.  Could finally make the bold choice, living out what this journey of courage has been all about.

Months and months ago, I had begun researching schools that specialized in nutrition, health and wellness, a clear passion of mine.  I dug deep into reviews and accreditation, contacted old friends and new connections to learn more about the options.  And, then, just like many of our passions in life, I set it aside, put it on a shelf for another day... when it would be more convenient.  I was waiting for the perfect timing, for the clouds to part with assurances of financial security and the guarantee of success.  Yeah... not sure what I was thinking.  Courage never looks clean and neat.  It's messy and sweaty.  Bold choices are not guaranteed to succeed.  Heck, many of them lead to leave-you-flat-on-your-ass failure.  But to be the man in the arena, face marred by dust and sweat and blood... is worth the fight.

The anxiety, the uncertainty, the insecurity... it's opportunity.

Last Monday, I began my studies with the Institute for Integrative Nutrition to become a health coach.  Thanks to the amazing support of my family and friends, I have taken the dream off of the shelf and decided to live it.  I am so excited for the next year -- to learn about our bodies, our connection with food, and how to transform our health into wellness.  I am so excited to begin building a career of passion and inspiration and to live out my deepest intentions for the process.  No longer will I let the fear of inconvenience allow me to live comfortably... it's time to live boldly.

smoothie heaven

My deepest apologies for the delay in posting!  I have spent the last few weeks starting some new things within my job, changing some major parts of my daily health routine, and... drum-roll, please... enrolling in a program to become a Health and Wellness Coach!  Working hard to process it all - I beg your forgiveness in the meantime!

A few weeks ago, I asked my favorite readers (psst... that's YOU) for their favorite smoothie recipes!  I have been in smoothie heaven lately, loving the summery feeling of all that fruit, getting some delicious and delightful nutrients, and growing in inspiration as I explore different combinations.  

Here is our winning entry, by the lovely Mary! It's an incredible combination of nutrients. 

Note: These measurements are just estimates!  That's the beauty of smoothie-making, explore to make the smoothie fit your taste-buds! 

1.5 c. Vanilla Coconut Milk (Mary suggests "SoDelicious" because it's seriously so delicious!  I agree!)

1 c. frozen raspberries

1 handful of spinach

1 TBSP ground flax

1/2 to 1 banana

1-2 TBSP of PB2 Powdered Peanut Butter (depending on your love of peanut butter)

Toss 'em all into a blender and make it happen!

I love learning from YOU all, as readers -- out there fighting the fight, living lives of health!  Come be a part of the toliveboldly experience!  What inspires you to make healthy choices?! Do you have a favorite blog, movie, article, daily piece of inspiration?!  I want to know!

intention

"The Constitution only guarantees the American people 

the right to pursue happiness. 

You have to catch it yourself."  

.:Benjamin Franklin:.

Last month, as we rang in the new year, I wrote about the role of happiness in our lives and creating a small, manageable set of goals with the intention of making room for more happiness and joy.  I began, just as Gretchen Rubin did in her book, The Happiness Project, setting goals that would enliven and energize my daily life.  Working out, sleeping more, de-cluttering my home to make room for more joy (not to mention the clarity that comes with a de-cluttered space).  

Honestly, while I was deeply enthused and excited about the possibilities of creating a "happiness practice," I had no idea that, with my new practice, I would be setting in motion a personal theme for 2013.  Only one month into 2013, I can say that this year has already brought with it an intensity that has challenged my deepest intentions to think positively, make healthy and whole-hearted decisions, and be courageous in my daily life.  And, I'm not alone.  In a moment in history where Americans ages 18-33 are reporting significantly higher levels of stress than their older counterparts, the circumstances of everyday life have the power to wear a person down.

Last week, as I caught up with my brother in Boston, he said, "You know, every time I get caught up on somebody's life in our family, it seems like our circumstances are trying to one-up each other in terms of how hard they can be.  At the moment, I'd say your life is in the lead." I laughed and reminded him that, in the scheme of things (or, as my mom raised us to think, on the scale of human tragedy), the circumstances of the moment have very little impact on how ridiculously joy-filled my (very blessed) life is.  I mean... I get to live an adventure-filled, passion-igniting and gratitude-increasing life alongside my best friend in the world and with the overwhelming love and support of a freakishly amazing family.  And the adversity of the moment can do little to change that.

This weekend, my sweetheart and I watched the film Happy, which chronicles the lives of individuals around the world and explores what makes us, as humans, truly happy (like I said, a completely unintentional continuation of this years' theme).  Scientists have found that, while genetics determine, on average, 50% of our happiness levels, our life circumstances determine a mere 10% of our overall happiness.  The remaining forty percent?!  This is made up of our intentional behavior - the positive practices that we have put in place to increase our happiness.  They identify six universal elements of happiness: 

Play

Practicing gratitude

Compassion and altruism

Connection to community

Mindfulness (they call this a "flow state")

Exploring something new

Consider this a monthly check-in.  What intentional practices have you put in place this year?  Take stock of the goals you have set for yourself. Where are you in reaching these goals?  

not cool, robert frost

Two roads diverged in the woods,

and I took the road less traveled.

And it hurt, man!

Really bad.

Rocks!

Thorns!

And glass!

... not cool, Robert Frost!

But what if there really were two paths?

I would be on the one that leads to awesome.

holding gratitude

 

 

"Piglet noticed that though he had a Very Small Heart,

it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude."

-A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh-

 

I am grateful.

 

In the midst of a crazy week, hours cut at work, insurance benefits lost, and the anxiety that surrounds the question of What Next?, I am grateful.

 

For opportunity.

For the undeniable blessing of the basics.

For a family that spans space, time, and bloodlines.

For hours upon hours of The Office on Netflix.

For the ability to ask What Next?

For more time to write.

For a sometimes-too-full belly.

For a warm home filled with loving, warm bodies.

For cuddles.  And hugs.  And sweet words of affection.

For more time to read.

For a loving, hilarious sweetheart who understands me.

For a comforting savings account.

For growth.

For what is known.

For what is unknown and possible.

For more time to workout.

For health and happiness.

For passion.

For sitting in the anxiety of what might be.

For phone calls.

For plane tickets.

For compassion, understanding and deep love.

For rainy days that remind me of home.

For a clean bill of health.

For deeper learning and joyful exploration.

For adventure.

For more things than I could list in a lifetime.

 

What about you?

 

 



the potential of what might be

"A ship is safe in harbor,

but that's not what ships are for."

 

Warning: ugly admission approaching. 

 

I hate not being in control. 

 

It probably makes me sound like a crazy person, but, hey, that's the risk in being vulnerable, right?  I don't mean to say that I'm a raging control-freak or anal to the point of being maniacal... but there is a part of me that tenses at the unknown, an anxiety when confronted with the uncontrollable.  I fast-forward movies to know how the conflict resolves.  My monthly financial freak-outs result in hours of financial organization and pages of projected income/expense worksheets.  I am the queen of to-do lists, grocery lists, packing lists. 

 

I hate not being in control.

 

A few months ago, I began a new position working with a local social service agency here in Flagstaff.  Honestly, I love it.  It's challenging, enlivening, and awakens my creativity.  While our agency is huge and serves the vulnerable in our community in any number of ways, my role, as an in-home family support specialist, is quite specific.  I, along with my team, work with families that have been referred to us by state agencies, stepping-in in the their moment of crisis to stabilize the family and work through underlying issues.  Even on those days when it feels like our interventions are hitting a wall, I feel completely engaged in the challenge to transform.

 

However, like most social service non-profits, we are beholden to a larger financial structure... one that has been hit hard by budget cuts and economic depression.  Despite the work that we do, we are threatened with downsizing, lay-offs and more.  And, to be completely honest, as a planner, it's been... well, tough.  I play with the possibilities in my head, working out the logistics of each possible outcome.  I stress about the finances, consider other alternatives, question whether I should, in fact, be doing this work. 

 

But, over the weeks, my anxieties have transformed into a practice of letting go.  Where I once spent most of my time working out the options in my head, weighing each possibility and trying to find ways to control the outcomes, I finally realized that the truth is that... I am not in control.  While, yes, we can budget a little tighter, go out to dinner a little less, find ways to plan meals that capitalize on savings, I have to, sometimes daily, remind myself that I am not in control.  And, while I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or next week, or next month, the truth is that, at this moment, despite the unknown of the future, I have the choice to live with joy.  To realize that I love my life, my job, my family and my friends.  To be assured that, whatever comes down the pipeline, I am blessed, gifted and held. 

 

Believe me, it's not easy.  Many days, my anxieties get the best of me, my mind whirring on overdrive with logistics and outcomes.  But I remind myself that what comes will come and, whatever the outcome, today I get to practice letting those anxious urges go and just be present.  Instead of holding on, desperately grasping for control, I have the opportunity to open up and make room for the potential of what might be, potential that would be held captive by my quest for the knowledge of what comes next.

 

I hate not being in control.  But I'm working on it.

 

"You do not need to know precisely what is happening,

or exactly where it is all going.

What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges

offered by the present moment,

and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope."

-Thomas Merton-

the new fat

Word on the street is that stress is the "new fat."  In a culture where the new year brings a slew of hopeful (albeit usually broken) weight loss resolutions, research shows that we may (cough, cough, may?!) be focusing on the wrong side of the equation.  Janesse Bruce, a health and wellness media veteran, writes: "I see that the obesity crisis now has a sister crisis that threatens to knock it out of top billing: stress. Like its sibling, stress is an economic, medical and social problem of epidemic proportion and is making us emotionally depleted, physically sick, and, incidentally, fatter." 

We are a society bathing in stress.  We are traumatized, repeatedly, by the news media, stretched to our financial limits by American consumer habits, challenged to perfection by corporate competition, and exhausted by expectations.  And it shows.  Just like with our weight loss goals, we look for quick fixes and surface-level lifestyle shifts to make the change.  As Brene Brown says, "We are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history." 

It's at this point that I make a vulnerable admission.  Despite my greatest personal hopes and expectations, attempts at lifestyle transformation, and... the fact that I write a blog focused on health and wellness, I am a walking knot of anxiety and stress. 

I'll be completely honest and admit to the fact that I am naturally (and probably genetically) high-anxiety and a true perfectionist -- cue the monthly financial freakout and my-house-is-too-cluttered heart palpitations.  But the past month - with the threat of cuts at work, a car accident, and a bout with the flu - has been particularly anxiety-fueled.  And, instead of relying on my well-researched, wellness-based methods of stress-relief, my default patterns of self-destruction include a menagerie of sugary treats, mind-numbing tv shows, and hours of "what if" ruminating.  Rather than cultivating practices of mindfulness and gratitude, I have found myself knee-deep in anxiety, my mind spinning with future worries.  And it's not only my thoughts that have been consumed... the stress trickles out into conversations and interactions with those that I love most.

Something needs to change.

I am not typically one that believes in New Year's resolutions.  When almost 80% of New Year's resolutions are broken... well, I can't put much stock in their power.  However, I am one for making goals.  Small, manageable, reachable goals.  Research continues to show that goal setting is transformative for success -- whether it's physical, emotional or fiscal.

While going through one of my "my-house-is-too-cluttered" anxiety-fests last week, I took a gander at one of my bookshelves and glanced upon a book that I had purchased years ago but never managed to read...

THE HAPPINESS PROJECT: 

Or why I spent a year trying to sing in the morning,

clean my closets, fight right, read Aristotle, and generally have more fun.

Gretchen Rubin writes with brilliant authenticity, allowing readers, allowing me, to openly approach the idea of making small, concrete goals to make more room for joy.  By exploring the works of famous philosophers and reputable academics, the book chronicles her monthly happiness project, making small, manageable changes in her daily habits and everyday perspectives.  I could not be more grateful for this inspiring find, as I search for a way to replace my stress with habitual joy.  As often occurs when I read, my reflections bring deeper motivation, daily inspiration and external reminders to cultivate practices of wellness, changing my habits and patterns through small changes.  Conveniently, Rubin has divided and themed her monthly goals, to be combined in the final month in one joyful month of happiness practices.

For January, Rubin's focus is to Boost Energy, breaking it down into manageable parts and citing findings from philosophers and academics alike in the creation of her goals:
*Go to sleep earlier
*Exercise better
*Toss, restore, organize
*Tackle a nagging task
*Act more energetic

For myself, I am working to create my own list of energizing goals and continue to be inspired as I read further!  I'm walking more, making a pile for donation, and finding ways to declutter my environment... though, I'll be honest, that sleep thing is sounding pretty good right about now.

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What about for you?!  What are your goals this year?  What are some small, concrete goals that will help you boost your energy and make room for a little more joy?

something worth remembering

Dear Human:

You've got it all wrong.  You didn't come here to master

unconditional love.  That is where you came from and where

you'll return.  You came here to learn personal love.

Universal love.  Messy love.  Sweaty love.

Crazy love.  Broken love.  Whole love.  Infused with divinity.

Lived through the grace of stumbling.

Demonstrated through the beauty of... messing up.  Often.

You didn't come here to be perfect.  You already are.

You came here to be gorgeously human.

Flawed and fabulous.

 

.:author unknown:.

back to basics

"The earth has music for those who listen."

- G. Santayana -

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Today is a GOOD day -- leaves are turning, sun is shining (the best perk of living in Flagstaff, where they average 288 days of sunshine a year... basically the flip of my hometown of Seattle), and there is a brisk autumnal chill in the air!  Not to mention that it's my birthday weekend -- and I'm filling it will all sorts of little treats for myself!  

If you're a regular follower of toliveboldly, or, heck, even if you're not, you probably know that one of the major parts of my journey to live a bold and whole life is, in a raging battle against all of my lazy instincts, to stay active and workout daily!  While, I'll be honest, I have not been as consistent as I want to be in "officially" working out each day, I have made a concerted effort to stay active, walk where I can (another perk of Flagstaff, where almost everything is within walking/biking distance), and maintain an active lifestyle.  As my good friend, Caitlin over at Caitlin Lives Well, says, I work to get a little sweat into each day!

And, I have the little tricks that inspire me to get that sweat in.  My yoga mat in plain sight by the T.V.  My daily ritual (afforded to me by the mixed blessing of unemployment - soon to be remedied) of changing immediately into workout clothes, reminding me that, at any moment, I am ready to get up and move.  Yoga videos and workout videos already sitting in the DVD player -- ones that actually inspire me to work hard and don't make me feel completely incompetent while I do them (need suggestions? I've got 'em).  This journey is teaching me about parts of myself I never knew existed and ways to get my body moving with healthy and self-compassionate bits of inspiration (not the kinds that make me question my self-worth... which I've experienced before).  I'm sure that you've got your own tricks up your sleeve, which I do hope you'll share with all of us! 

However, even with these tricks, I'll be honest... my workout routine has gotten a little monotonous.  I know exactly what the instructor will say on those videos, and there are only so many times that you can walk to the grocery store or the coffee shop (did I mention that I was unemployed?).  Fortunately, just about the time when my workout routine had hit a little bit of a motivation-blockade, my inspiration to get moving was reawakened by a visit from my dad!  Instead of hanging around town (which, in a small place like Flagstaff, doesn't really keep you entertained for too long) or lounging at home, his visit inspired us to explore farther -- into our extended Arizona backyard!  We hiked the West Fork Trail outside of Sedona (which, incredibly, peaks in autumnal brilliance in the third week of October) and ventured farther to the town-perched-on-a-hill, Jerome. Each day, my thighs burned and my feet ached, but my heart was full.  

Me and Dad on West Fork Trail in Sedona, Arizona.

Photo Credit: P. McCarthy

 Breathtaking views and incredible colors on the West Fork Trail.

Photo Credit: P. McCarthy

A rare photo of just me at Slide Rock State Park.

Photo Credit: C. Krueger

The crisp fall air and changing leaves, not to mention the glorious rising cliffs and flowing streams, were just what I needed.  To get out and moving, to explore somewhere new, to appreciate our surroundings and reconnect with our natural foundation was more than just a workout, it was a spiritual experience, one that proved rejuvenating and energizing.  It transformed my conception of a workout -- reminding me that to be physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy requires more than just scheduled exercise, it takes venturing out, doing something different and exploring the breathtaking beauty of our earth (which, apparently, Arizona has in spades).  It takes getting back to basics.

My daily workout routine is not perfect.  Some days, I kick butt, energized by the adrenaline.  Other days, I battle my inner couch-potato for dominance.  But, looking out my window, into my Aspen-filled courtyard, I am reminded that I have a few more tricks up my sleeve for inspiration.  

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"Those who contemplate the beauty of the earth find reserves

of strength that will endure as long as life lasts.  There is something

infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature --

the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter."

-R. Carlson-

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love thyself

"... we can only love others as much as we love ourselves."

Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Everyday, at 5:00pm, my alarm goes off on my phone and blinks the word, "kindness."  More than just announcing the end of the classic work day, this little reminder is one of the ways that I actively work to love myself.  My youngest sister calls this my "say-something-nice" time -- a moment where the rest of the world freezes, and I take a split second to appreciate and honor who I am with the tiniest little inward expression of kindness.  God bless her little heart, she's jumped on the bandwagon, too, choosing to use my 5pm reminder to speak kindness to me.  Just the other day, while we were Skyping (what a beautiful, miraculous invention!), she said that she wanted to give me my compliment in advance, bringing me close to tears when she told me, "I love seeing you smile... oh, and you do a really good job cutting [the boyfriend's] hair."  

Which, by the way, I do.

The truth is that I have a habit of being my own worst critic.  Every tiny flaw, every little blemish, every moment of imperfection -- my instinct is to seize it and use it to further prove to myself that I am not enough.  Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not successful enough, not good enough... on and on.  And I know that I am not the only one.

We live in a society where we are never enough, and, despite the narcissistic leanings of our culture, the "love" that we may have for ourselves is oftentimes a mask for the shame, insecurity and fear of being "not enough."  We cake on our make-up, bulk up our muscles, and stroke our egos.  I think of our usage of social networks, the masks that we carefully reveal to the world, and the inner comparisons of our daily lives to others' "highlight reel."  Our "love" is the armor we put on when we don't believe that we are worthy of being loved, even by ourselves.  Even more than that, we are taught that to appreciate the deeply beautiful parts of ourselves is to break some fundamental societal rule.  Ask almost anyone and they will tell you ten things that they think are wrong with them before opening up with what is most right with them.  To appreciate our greatest qualities is an act of vulnerability, to do it in public a frightening rebellion against the norm.  We've confused humility with self-deprecation.  We somehow believe that loving others means denying ourselves the same compassion.  

There was a point, about a year ago, when I was just fed up, exhausted even, with how I treated myself.  I was my own bully.  It was heartbreaking and internally degrading.  But I felt tied to this pattern of self-deprecation, confused about how to truly love myself without being "in love" with myself.  There was something almost scary about entertaining the idea of loving who I was and an unhealthy comfort in the familiarity of the shame I experienced -- like opening that door to love would be more work, more pain.

And guess what?  I was right.  Opening that door sucked, in a way.  But it was worth the work, worth the pain in the discovery of unhealthy patterns and relationships, worth the painstaking unveiling of the greatest parts of who I am.  And it has left me with deep gratitude.  I am grateful for a remarkable therapist who inspired my "say-something-nice" reminders, which, by the way, began as a three-times-a-day practice.   I am grateful for the reminders from family and friends to be kind to myself.  And guess what else?  I am finding that I am grateful for who I am, as well.  

To truly love others, to be in whole, complete, vulnerable and compassionate relationship with others, requires that we first love ourselves.  When I actively practice self-love, my relationships with others are deepened.  It changes the way that I love my partner, my family, my closest friends.  And, hey, if that weren't enough, I'm just plain happier.  It's transformative.  In fact, studies show that self-compassion (which goes beyond the highly touted self-esteem) could be the "key to unlocking your true potential," as well as a barrier against anxiety.

As for me, my daily "say-something-nice" time is only one weapon in my arsenal of self-compassion.  How about you?  What weapons are in your arsenal? 

dare greatly

Happy Friday, my dearest friends!  

I can't begin to tell you how beautiful it is today here in our little mountain town -- Autumn has arrived!  The leaves are turning, the sky is clear and the air is deliciously crisp!   We're finally bundled in warm sweaters and blankets, drinking in all of the autumnal wonderfulness (not to mention my fair share of tea and Pumpkin Spice Lattes).

Photo credit: Kate Krueger

As I have mentioned before, one of the biggest blessings to arise from this blogging experience has been in reconnecting with old and very dear friends -- the kind where you can not talk or see each other for months or years and, in coming back together, can connect on an even deeper level.  I am truly honored and beyond grateful.  

One of these beautiful souls is a woman that I call my "heart twin" -- for many reasons beyond the fact that we were both born on the 27th of October (or, as my parents like to call it, 'the day that life began.').  I could go on and on about her lovely and compassionate heart (but she's heard it all from me before).  She, like me, is obsessed with books, and mentions of our favorites are regular occurrences in our emails.  This year, for our birthday, she sent me -- from almost 20,000 miles away -- a book that I have been beyond desperate to read: Daring Greatly, by one of my favorite researchers (and regular toliveboldly resource), Brene Brown.

While I have had the urge to just inhale the words (yes, it's that good), there is so much inspiration housed within the pages that I have been forcing myself to slow down, even reading some of the chapters twice while I underline and fill the margins with notes.  My mind is percolating with inspiration, and my heart is challenged by her call to vulnerability and authenticity.  

Instead of writing my usual post, I wanted to limit my words and share with you Brene's inspiration for Daring Greatly, by a man who was also, believe it or not, born on the 27th of October.  I have read it at least a dozen times and each time it speaks to me in a different way (oftentimes, moving me to tears).  I would love to hear your thoughts, my dearest friends, and hope that it inspires you, as well. Have a beautiful weekend, and remember to be kind to yourselves.

"The Man in the Arena"

"Citizenship in a Republic"

Theodore Roosevelt

April 23, 1910 * Paris, France 

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out 

how the strong man stumbles, 

or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,

whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again.

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;

but who does actually strive to do the deeds;

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions,

who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,

and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly..."

oh the places we'll go

Jill McDonald via Positive Inkling

As I continue to blog, I am learning bits and pieces about myself.  For example, I have learned that I need to either write in silence (not even the beautiful harmonies of my favorite musicians can intrude) or inside of the white noise found only in the busiest of cafes.  I have learned that it takes days to seek out inspiration and hours to write and edit a post -- lovingly pouring over every word, every reflection (most commonly about learning to love ourselves through reflection and wellness), and, still, the habit to negatively criticize myself for poor writing or, more commonly, for being "not enough" in a post rears is ugly head... forcing me to challenge that self-doubt and actually live out the words that I write (for that I am eternally grateful).  This blog has inspired deeper reflection, more authentic living and the necessity to be patient with myself (and my body).  And, again, for that, I am undeniably, eternally, forever in debt to you all.

From you, I would ask for patience, as well -- as I transition from the Seattle transplant who has all the time in the world to read, write, workout and reflect to the real-world me, with distractions, stressors and, as you have read, the human frailty of the common cold.  This is where the rubber meets the road, where the desire to learn more, read more, reflect more is met with the need to pay bills, sleep and schedule life in.  As I said in last week's post, toliveboldly will be regularly updated each Friday with lovely little tidbits scattered in throughout the week for added flavor.

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This past week, I asked my twitter followers for suggestions for this week's blog posting, and thank goodness for their brilliance, as their suggestions provided plenty of reflective meat for me to chew on!

Little backstory... When I entered college as a freshman, I began my fall semester as a pre-med student.  I had, for years, created an image in my head of myself as a pediatrician or family practitioner (funny, even then, I knew that the hardcore elements of medicine would be too much for me...) and, when the pre-med advisors told us that only 1/3 of us would graduate with a pre-med concentration, I was sure that that would be me.  Obviously, we know how that turned out... 

I discovered, about halfway through my spring semester, that, while I most certainly could have lived out the 8-10+ years of med school and residency (gulp)... medicine was not my greatest passion.  And so I found myself taking classes in what is actually a true passion of mine -- the always intriguing field of human behavior.  I assumed that I was meant (see what I get when I assume?!) to be a therapist -- after all, isn't that what psychology majors are built for?  But this past year, after years on a path built for a therapy practice and six months into a graduate program for just that, I realized that I had built my path on a faulty assumption.  After withdrawing, I was left with the question... if not this, then what am I meant to do? 

I am continually fascinated by our society's concept of a career path.  In a world where the average person will change jobs every five years, we hold to the idea that we are meant for one career and built to see it through for the 30+ years that we reside in the working world.  We continue to ask children, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  We perpetuate the concept that whatever they choose - a policeman, a doctor, a dancer - will be what they are for the majority of their adult lives... almost as if that is the whole of the adult identity. But, while that may have been our nation's reality for previous generations and is actually how some individuals work best, for the majority of us, it will be an ever-changing, ever-evolving part of our lives. In fact, the transitions in our lives necessitate this evolution.  Just as the recent graduate wrestles with the question of "what next?" -- so too is the new retiree faced with the question of purpose: "How am I going to spend my time?  Where am I going to focus my passion?  What have I always wanted to do?" But, whether we are driven to find the one career that we can sink into for years or seemingly bounce from experience to experience, I believe that our career, our work, our "what I am I meant to do?" is not so much about defining our existence but about cultivating our truest selves and living out our life's purpose.

After withdrawing from my graduate program, I dove headfirst into answering the question of "what am I meant to do?"  I restructured my resume, I interviewed for positions I had never considered before, and I worked in fields that I would never have imagined for myself.  And, while I'll admit that I still feel far from knowing exactly where I would like to go in my career or how to get there, these experiences of reinvention were revealing and transformative.  I have learned that I have strengths, passions, things that get my fire burning and challenge me in a way that transcends my field of employment.  I have learned that there is power in community, both positive and negative, and I have since been more attuned to its effect.  I have felt certain elements resonate with my authentic self and others noisily grind in protest against it.  I have grown through actively seeking out new experiences as well as focusing inward to reflect on my deeper desires, goals, and priorities.

While, for me, my questions are, as of late, directed towards my future career path, my instinct is that this reflection is a transcendent part of life, one that can be applied to the future just as much as to how I am going to live out my purpose, my priorities, and my values in the present.  Our life's purpose -- which I would also define as our signature presence -- is more than what we do, it's who we are in this moment and what we impart, in our authenticity, to the world.

Our purpose, our understanding of it, and how it is lived out in the present moment is, with reflection, always changing, always growing -- the elements of our signature presence revealed and refined.  What about for you?  How are do you see your purpose -- your strengths, inclinations, passions and authentic self -- revealed?  How has it shaped your career aspirations or choices? How have you seen your signature presence revealed and refined?

Want to connect outside of toliveboldly?  Email me at toliveboldly at gmail dot com!

Have a beautiful weekend, my wonderful friends, and remember to be kind to yourself!

doing the work

"Problems do not go away.  They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit."

The Road Less Traveled

M. Scott Peck

This past week has been a particularly difficult one for blog writing. Each time I would sit down at my computer to begin the process of brainstorming, writing and editing (and re-writing and re-editing), I found myself without inspiration.  And, while I could easily chalk it up to writers block or just plain laziness, the truth is that it was just a plain old difficult week.

Since moving to Flagstaff, I have found myself full of energy, excited to create change, live boldly, and explore the world of wellness.  I have been writing, reading, working out and... very slowly... learning how to cook healthful foods.  I have been able to battle those tricky self-critical thoughts with joyful exuberance and hopeful optimism.  And, while I have still been working out on a daily basis and maintaining my healthy diet, this week has been... different.  I have had moments of complete self-doubt, exhaustion and total vulnerability, fighting an internal battle between fear and courage.  Part of me cried out to return to a boxed-in version of myself, to give up and give in to my familiar counterparts - guilt and shame.  The other part of me battled back, fighting tooth and nail to stay strong, remain confident and trust the process. 

In essence, I was doing the work.

I just recently finished (as in... today) the book that I have been reading for almost a month - The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck.  My gorgeous and brilliant sister, two years my junior and one of the most honest, authentic and passionate women I have ever known, has been (not so subtly) suggesting that I read the book for almost three years now.  My mother, a sponge for wisdom and knowledge, followed suit, urging me to borrow her well-loved copy of the book.  I am not sure why I fought the suggestion for so long, but I am certain that there was a wisdom to why I waited until this moment to finally open the pages.

As it was my mother's copy of the book, loved over, ragged and missing its cover, I took notes in my journal, copying down passages word for word that inspired me as I read.  In looking the passages over, the passage above struck a chord in me: problems do not go away.  Do the work.

Perhaps it was the emotional result of the past week or the conversations that I have had with friends over the course of the past few days, but, whatever it was, I am reminded that this lifelong journey of self-discovery, positive self-change and internal opening is one of work.  It is inevitably one of pain, grunting, and fighting. But joy is its reward.  As Peck says,

"Move out or grow in any dimension and pain as well as joy will be your reward.  A full life will be full of pain.  But the only alternative is not to live fully or not to live at all."

The growing pains are just that... painful.  The honest truth is that, whether we choose to look at them, our negative patterns, deep-seated anxieties, and familial/cultural issues play out in our relationships, even in the one that we have with ourselves.  Prior to leaving Seattle, I saw a therapist for almost three years, and I can't tell you how much I have grown from the challenge of therapy.  But, there is still so much work to be done, so many internal assumptions to be challenged and negative patterns to be explored.  And, through all of it, freedom to be found.

To be truly compassionate, to love deeply, to live fully and wholly, we have to do the work.  If you've been waiting to make a commitment to yourself, don't waste another minute.  The war is full of fear and heartache, but there is liberation and joy found, as well.  Know that you are not alone, that there are others along the way, battling alongside you, allies in the struggle.  You are courageous and worth the fight.  

"Courage is not in the absence of fear; it is in the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future."

The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck

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On a personal note: If you are currently looking into finding a therapist, please do your research.  Look for reviews, ask trusted family/friends and get recommendations from your community.  Ask questions.  Not all therapists are created (trained) equal.  If you are in the Seattle metropolitan area, please do not hesitate to contact me for recommendations.