monday inspiration

 

Photo Credit: P. McCarthy

Hello, my dearest of friends!

Happy Monday! As I am sure you have noticed over the past few months, with school, work and the crazyness of life, it has been difficult for me to write consistently -- something that I assure you has been a sorely missed piece of my daily life.  However, thanks to those brief moments of reprieve each day, there has been no lack of inspiration and daily learning!

Each week, my search for inspiration shifts.  One week, I am emboldened to seek out ways to be more creative in my daily life.  In another, I can't help but learn more about physical health and wellness.  And still others require a search deeper inside for healing and stress relief.

Please know that you are all in my hearts and mind -- and so, in leiu of a longer post, I wanted to invite you, on this lovely (albeit sleepy for me) Monday morning, to begin with a little Monday morning creative inspiration to get your juices flowing! 

.:Revolutionizing your relationship with "doing":.

.:An Open Apology to All of My Weight Loss Clients:.

Do you have videos, links or articles that you love?  Post them below!  We want to see!

forget the "should"

Via FLO Living

Remember this post?!  I saw this picture on a friend's Facebook page 

and couldn't help but laugh!

we need to talk

Supervisor: Hey, Katie, do you have time to chat this afternoon?

The words set off an immediate reaction. The equivalent of hearing your partner say, "We need to talk."

Me: Yeah, sure, of course!

Let the internal freak-out begin. Must keep a smile on my face. Don't let the anxiety show.

Supervisor: Half an hour or so?

Me: Perfect!

Perfect?!  Who am I kidding?  I just want to get it over with.  As I return to my office, I can almost hear my mind whirring with the possibilities.  Immediately, I fly into assumption-mode.  What did I do wrong?  Paperwork?  Did I cross a boundary?  Did I say something wrong?  My mind churns, as I try to think back on where I could have misstepped. 

This, by the way, has always been my first reaction, my first assumption.  What did I do wrong?  As a lifelong perfectionist, my reactions are steeped in shame.  I've become a pro at critical self-talk -- my arsenal full of personal flaws, at the ready for moments like these.  If something goes wrong, my first assumption is that that thing must be me.  Playing the self-blame game has become almost second-nature, damaging not only my relationship with myself but my relationships with those that I love.  Instead of opening up moments of conflict to become opportunities for authentic relational growth, it causes me to focus on my personal short-comings rather than the potential in strengthening my most valued connections.

But, as in all things, I am learning -- with the help of my partner, family and friends -- to transform that instinct for critical self-talk into some serious opportunities for self-love.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about one of the new books that I'm reading, The Happiness Project by author Gretchen Rubin -- who, utilizing wisdom from academics and philosophers alike, lived (and wrote about) a year of integrating different happiness practices in her life.  Last week, after visiting her (pretty fabulous) website, I signed up for her "Happier at Home: 21-Day Relationship Challenge."  Each day, Gretchen sends, via email, a different tip for integrating happiness practices into your relationship -- make sure you check them out, it's not too late to sign up!  The funny thing is that, while I am so inspired in learning new ways to love my partner, her tips are teaching me new ways to love myself!  Only five days into a three-week challenge, I am finding that each of her tips can be transformed into a practice of self-compassion.

Day One: Kiss in the morning, Kiss in the night. Ok, ok, it doesn't directly translate, but the practice of showing yourself and your loved ones affection, does.  Why not use this moment to listen to your body and show it some serious love?  Take a bath, go for a run, take a yoga class.  How do you show your body appreciation and love?

Day Two: Give gold stars.  You make it a habit to verbally affirm those around you, whether they are family, friends or co-workers.  Why not turn it around on yourself?  Take this moment to appreciate one of your strengths.  Say it out loud if you want to -- you need to hear it.

Day Three: Make the positive argument.  One of the first lessons in fair fighting is to never make broad generalizations.  Finding yourself speaking some critical self-talk?  Use this moment to turn it around.  Instead of listening to your internal self-critic as it speaks to your weakness, take this moment to instead focus on what makes you strong.

Day Four: Under-react to a problem.  Ok, so we all screw up, we all have moments of stress or anxiety.  Don't ignore or minimize the responsibilities that you have, but take this moment to breathe and "under-react," facing your stressors or that screw-up from a place of peace and calm.

Day Five: Give warm greetings and farewells. So... I had a harder time applying this directly.  But I realized that, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I rarely take the time to kindly greet myself and speak kindness to my body.  Speak some love -- what do you appreciate about your body?

What about YOU?!  How do you find opportunities to cultivate self-compassion?!

By the way, as it usually happens, my talk with my supervisor had nothing to do with any mistakes that I made.  My critical self-talk and search for flaws was just my shame speaking.

beautiful, adored, true.



As this week began, I was certain that I knew what I was going to be blogging about for today's post. 

In moving to Flagstaff, I had made a commitment to wellness and had, for the first few months, carved out a sacred daily ritual, dedicated to healthy eating, daily exercise and soaking up every bit of emotional and spiritual inspiration that I could.  Blessed with the temporary gift of unemployment, I had all the time in the world to dedicate to this new passion.  I felt stronger, empowered. 

A few weeks ago, I began in a new position working for a local non-profit working with families in crisis. Honestly, I love it.  Beyond the true blessing of employment, it is challenging, heart-breaking, inspiring, educational and impactful.  Most days, I drive home inspired to learn more, connect deeply, and engage with everyone I meet in a more authentic way.

However, after months of creating daily rituals, I was jolted by the reality that my routine would completely change.  No longer would I have those long afternoons to read.  No longer could I wake up and workout.  No longer could I count on the basic daily rituals that I had fallen so deeply in love with. As my honey can attest, it was a bit of an emotional speed-bump for me, as I tested the waters of this new reality, missing my most beloved routines and forced to create new ones.  I could not figure out how to get past the loss of my much-loved routines and rituals, could not figure out how to move forward and create new habits.

This past weekend, after weeks of unhealthy, convenience-based eating and a complete lack of exercise, I hit a low point.  I found myself staring at my body in the mirror, thinking thoughts that I would not think about my worst enemies (not that I have any), and feeling like a true failure.  Where I had once felt strong and empowered, I now held tightly to the soft skin on my sides, feeling disgusted and discouraged.  My sweetheart held me, whispering softly that he wished that I loved myself as much as he did.

As the days passed and I slowly climbed out of that darkeness, struggling to remember my worth, I thought that I would be writing today about failure, redemption, starting over.

But then...

Victoria's Secret reminded me that I am beautiful, worthy, whole.

Let me explain.

Until Wednesday night, I had never seen the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.  Honestly, I'm not sure that I even really knew that it existed until a few weeks ago, when my sweetheart and I were talking about one of his classroom discussions.  Many of the women had expressed how deeply affected they were each year when watching the VS Fashion Show, the skantily-clad and unrealistically skinny models convincing them year after year that they were less-than-enough, unworthy in comparison to our society's vision of perfection.  As the event approached, I saw similar sentiments expressed through social networks, Facebook statuses and tweets of women preparing themselves for the self-esteem smack-down they expected to receive.

And so, it was with a true psychological interest that I tuned in.  I am not sure what I expected to experience, but all I could think, the models strutting down the runway, was this...

I am beautiful. The women on TV, they too are beautiful. But my worth is not defined by their proportions. Watching the models, decked out in angel wings and lacy lingerie, I was remind that I am real, I am whole. When my sweetheart wraps his arms around me, love-handles and all, it is not my measurements that define his love.  While it's nice to hear, I don't need anyone else to remind me of my worth. My body, while cushioned and curvy, is beautiful, real, authentically me.  And to wish that I was anyone else is to deny that I am beautiful, adored, true.

"love your body the way your mother loved your baby feet
and brother, arm wrapping shoulders, and remember,
this is important:
you are worth more than who you f*ck
you are worth more than a waistline
you are worth more than any naked body could proclaim
in the shadows, more than a man's whim
or your father's mistake
you are no less valuable as a size 16, than a size 4
you are no less valuable as a 32A than a 36C,
your sexiness is defined by concentric circles within your wood;
wisdom."

 

-mary lambert, i know girls (bodylove) -

numb the dark and you numb the light

Happy November, my dear friends!

I can't believe that it's already here, though the rows upon rows of Christmas decorations and toys are telling me that it's so (not that I'm one to complain... I am obsessed with the holiday season, something that I'm sure will be obvious in the coming weeks)!  

I pray that you all are safe and sound wherever you are -- I am sending love to all of you who experienced the wrath of Hurricane Sandy this past week, and I hope that you are warm and rested in your corner of the world.

For me, with each new month comes reflection.  I don't know what it is about the passing of each month, but something about the arrival of a new one reminds me to check my priorities, restructure my goals and recommit to my purpose.  It's as if the turning of that calendar page is a sobering reminder of the importance of mindfulness, somehow speaking deeply into my heart... don't let this experience pass you by, live in the present, be mindful of each day, each passing moment.

If you've been following along, you know that one of my recent literary goldmines has been the book Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown.  While I usually inhale a new book (like the one I finished yesterday while recovering from a sore throat in bed), this particular gem has had me working through it slowly.  It has so much goodness, so much meat to it, that I just want to savor every bite.  With each page, I am inspired and emboldened, not to mention soothed by the realization that my neuroses are quite normal.

To be completely honest... warning: moment of vulnerability here... while I attempt to keep a mask of cool, calm and control (gotta love that alliteration!), I am, sometimes (more frequently than I would like to be), a total ball of neurotic, anxious energy, albeit a very pretty and well-groomed one.  My insecure thoughts like to run away with themselves, jumping from presumed weakness to weakness with glee, leaving me (and, let's be honest, my sweetheart) with a blubbering mess of anxiety and shame.  Yeah, it's as fun as it sounds.

And, from what I've learned... while it might differ in degree or particular neuroses... I'm not alone.  We may not all dissolve into tears at the end of an anxiety-producing day, or be victim to the disease of overanalysis, but our anxieties, our shame-filled insecurites... well, they're pretty universal.  And, we all work through these painful pieces of vulnerability differently.  Some of us exercise.  Others of us eat.  Some of us direct that anxiety onto our partners, fearful of speaking the words of vulnerability.  Some of us are proactive, recognizing our patterns and creating boundaries to manage them in advance.  Some of us hide in perfectionism, while many protect ourselves by desperately guarding ourselves against that pain and limiting our joy, as well.  The list goes on...

But, in our society of crazy-busy, fill-every-moment, must-be-productive-ness, one of our most commonly used defenses is that of numbing.  We use food, substances, even daily distractions to avoid our pain, our naked vulnerability.  

Brene writes:

"... numbing vulnerability is especially debilitating because

it doesn't just deaden the pain of our difficult experiences;

numbing vulnerability also dulls our experiences of love, joy,

belonging, creativity, and empathy.

We can't selectively numb emotion.

Numb the dark and you numb the light."

While I was reading today, red holiday cup in hand and curled up in the comfy corner chair at my local Starbucks, I was struck with how deeply engrained our numbing-strategies are within our lives.  Brene speaks of it as a kind of addictive behavior, and while it may not be compulsive or chronic like addiction, our attempts to numb our vulnerability, shame, anxiety and disconnection are deep-seated and desperate.  We numb with comfort foods, that glass (or two or three) of wine after a long day, with pills.  It's so habitual that it's normalized, accepted, even suggested. But we've also learned to numb with the distractions around us -- the tv, the internet, our smartphones.  Instead of mindfulness, we've turned to mindless distractions, transforming what could be beautiful, relaxing or connecting -- your favorite tv show, fruitful conversation, long-distance connection -- into compulsion and desperation.  We lose track of time online instead of having that sometimes difficult conversation with our partner.  We choose social networks instead of spending quality time with our family.  We compulsively check our phones to the point of drowning out the social interaction around us.  We're so plugged in that we're tuned out.

"For me, it wasn't just the dance halls, cold beer, and Marlboro Lights 

of my youth that got so out of hand - it was banana bread, 

chips and queso, e-mail, work, staying busy, incessant worrying, planning, 

perfectionism, and anything else that could dull those agonizing 

and anxiety-fueled feelings of vulnerability."

-Brene Brown-

My habits of distraction are deeply engrained -- constantly checking my phone, my social networks, my email.  Sometimes, I miss out on conversation. Or a passing bit of beauty on a long drive. Sometimes, I use my favorite romcom to check out of life for a bit -- numbing my anxiety with the familiar actors and predictable story lines.  Other times, I use busyness to think about something else, anything else than the nagging anxiety. And I'm missing out on the tough, vulnerable, messy, and beautiful moments for growth and joy.  I am tired of the numbing distractions, the unconscious bingeing, the habits created out of a wounded desire to disconnect.

This month, I am intentionally practicing being plugged into life, unplugging my phone and computer (other than for studying purposes) after 9pm with a commitment to return only after breakfast the next morning.  On the other side of the world, I have a dear friend who is unplugging completely one day a week to reconnect and refresh.  What about you? Do you need to re-program how you eat? Or drink? How can you cultivate connection, practice self-compassion and explore vulnerability? Where have you numbed out?  I would love to create a community here where we can share and learn and grow together, because I know that I am learning so much from you.

Sending love your way.  Be kind to yourselves!

love thyself

"... we can only love others as much as we love ourselves."

Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Everyday, at 5:00pm, my alarm goes off on my phone and blinks the word, "kindness."  More than just announcing the end of the classic work day, this little reminder is one of the ways that I actively work to love myself.  My youngest sister calls this my "say-something-nice" time -- a moment where the rest of the world freezes, and I take a split second to appreciate and honor who I am with the tiniest little inward expression of kindness.  God bless her little heart, she's jumped on the bandwagon, too, choosing to use my 5pm reminder to speak kindness to me.  Just the other day, while we were Skyping (what a beautiful, miraculous invention!), she said that she wanted to give me my compliment in advance, bringing me close to tears when she told me, "I love seeing you smile... oh, and you do a really good job cutting [the boyfriend's] hair."  

Which, by the way, I do.

The truth is that I have a habit of being my own worst critic.  Every tiny flaw, every little blemish, every moment of imperfection -- my instinct is to seize it and use it to further prove to myself that I am not enough.  Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not successful enough, not good enough... on and on.  And I know that I am not the only one.

We live in a society where we are never enough, and, despite the narcissistic leanings of our culture, the "love" that we may have for ourselves is oftentimes a mask for the shame, insecurity and fear of being "not enough."  We cake on our make-up, bulk up our muscles, and stroke our egos.  I think of our usage of social networks, the masks that we carefully reveal to the world, and the inner comparisons of our daily lives to others' "highlight reel."  Our "love" is the armor we put on when we don't believe that we are worthy of being loved, even by ourselves.  Even more than that, we are taught that to appreciate the deeply beautiful parts of ourselves is to break some fundamental societal rule.  Ask almost anyone and they will tell you ten things that they think are wrong with them before opening up with what is most right with them.  To appreciate our greatest qualities is an act of vulnerability, to do it in public a frightening rebellion against the norm.  We've confused humility with self-deprecation.  We somehow believe that loving others means denying ourselves the same compassion.  

There was a point, about a year ago, when I was just fed up, exhausted even, with how I treated myself.  I was my own bully.  It was heartbreaking and internally degrading.  But I felt tied to this pattern of self-deprecation, confused about how to truly love myself without being "in love" with myself.  There was something almost scary about entertaining the idea of loving who I was and an unhealthy comfort in the familiarity of the shame I experienced -- like opening that door to love would be more work, more pain.

And guess what?  I was right.  Opening that door sucked, in a way.  But it was worth the work, worth the pain in the discovery of unhealthy patterns and relationships, worth the painstaking unveiling of the greatest parts of who I am.  And it has left me with deep gratitude.  I am grateful for a remarkable therapist who inspired my "say-something-nice" reminders, which, by the way, began as a three-times-a-day practice.   I am grateful for the reminders from family and friends to be kind to myself.  And guess what else?  I am finding that I am grateful for who I am, as well.  

To truly love others, to be in whole, complete, vulnerable and compassionate relationship with others, requires that we first love ourselves.  When I actively practice self-love, my relationships with others are deepened.  It changes the way that I love my partner, my family, my closest friends.  And, hey, if that weren't enough, I'm just plain happier.  It's transformative.  In fact, studies show that self-compassion (which goes beyond the highly touted self-esteem) could be the "key to unlocking your true potential," as well as a barrier against anxiety.

As for me, my daily "say-something-nice" time is only one weapon in my arsenal of self-compassion.  How about you?  What weapons are in your arsenal?