love this

It's no secret that one of my favorite researchers, writers and storytellers is the lovely Brene Brown, who shares with us about the depths of shame, the reality of being in the arena and fighting the good fight of authenticity and compassion, and our own power to know and love ourselves.

I wanted to share with you Brene's own advice on how to cultivate vulnerability in your own life and who deserves to hear your story.

to come alive

Photo via French by Design

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My deepest apologies for the inconsistency in my bloggery lately!  As I said before, life has thrown a number of challenges and unexpected blessings my way, and it's been quite the task to take them all in and digest them.  Needless to say, it hasn't left much time for organizing those thoughts and reflections into a comprehensible blog post!

A couple of months ago, as we rolled into 2013, I began reading The Happiness Project, which chronicles one woman's year-long exploration into what makes people happy.  Each month takes on small life-changes, wrapped neatly (and hilariously) around a monthly theme.  January tackled boosting energy, while February worked through remembering love and relationships.  Amazingly enough, March's theme was centered on bringing happiness practices into work.  A couple of months ago, after weeks of corporate uncertainty and waffling, my hours working for a local non-profit here in Flagstaff were dramatically reduced.  In the weeks after receiving notification that my hours were to be cut in half, losing my health insurance and the knowledge of certain income, I spent hours (mixed in with anxiety-fueled freakout sessions) reflecting on my next step.  Do I move on from my years in social services?  Do I hold out for the possibility of added hours?  How do I maintain my motivation and my dedication to the families that I serve without knowing what the future holds?  Is this a tragedy... or an opportunity?

Opportunity.  It was this last question that proved the most inspirational for me during my bouts of uncertainty and anxiety.  It's as if the insecurity of my position was just the thing to knock me out of my career complacency and out of my comfort zone.  I was forced to ask myself the question: if not this, then what?  What would I do if I could do anything?  What changes would I make if I knew that I could not fail?  What changes would I make even if I failed?

The unknown and uncertain awakened in me the reality of possibility.  I could finally begin working towards goals that I had set aside for another day, could finally go after what I am passionate about.  Could finally make the bold choice, living out what this journey of courage has been all about.

Months and months ago, I had begun researching schools that specialized in nutrition, health and wellness, a clear passion of mine.  I dug deep into reviews and accreditation, contacted old friends and new connections to learn more about the options.  And, then, just like many of our passions in life, I set it aside, put it on a shelf for another day... when it would be more convenient.  I was waiting for the perfect timing, for the clouds to part with assurances of financial security and the guarantee of success.  Yeah... not sure what I was thinking.  Courage never looks clean and neat.  It's messy and sweaty.  Bold choices are not guaranteed to succeed.  Heck, many of them lead to leave-you-flat-on-your-ass failure.  But to be the man in the arena, face marred by dust and sweat and blood... is worth the fight.

The anxiety, the uncertainty, the insecurity... it's opportunity.

Last Monday, I began my studies with the Institute for Integrative Nutrition to become a health coach.  Thanks to the amazing support of my family and friends, I have taken the dream off of the shelf and decided to live it.  I am so excited for the next year -- to learn about our bodies, our connection with food, and how to transform our health into wellness.  I am so excited to begin building a career of passion and inspiration and to live out my deepest intentions for the process.  No longer will I let the fear of inconvenience allow me to live comfortably... it's time to live boldly.

we need to talk

Supervisor: Hey, Katie, do you have time to chat this afternoon?

The words set off an immediate reaction. The equivalent of hearing your partner say, "We need to talk."

Me: Yeah, sure, of course!

Let the internal freak-out begin. Must keep a smile on my face. Don't let the anxiety show.

Supervisor: Half an hour or so?

Me: Perfect!

Perfect?!  Who am I kidding?  I just want to get it over with.  As I return to my office, I can almost hear my mind whirring with the possibilities.  Immediately, I fly into assumption-mode.  What did I do wrong?  Paperwork?  Did I cross a boundary?  Did I say something wrong?  My mind churns, as I try to think back on where I could have misstepped. 

This, by the way, has always been my first reaction, my first assumption.  What did I do wrong?  As a lifelong perfectionist, my reactions are steeped in shame.  I've become a pro at critical self-talk -- my arsenal full of personal flaws, at the ready for moments like these.  If something goes wrong, my first assumption is that that thing must be me.  Playing the self-blame game has become almost second-nature, damaging not only my relationship with myself but my relationships with those that I love.  Instead of opening up moments of conflict to become opportunities for authentic relational growth, it causes me to focus on my personal short-comings rather than the potential in strengthening my most valued connections.

But, as in all things, I am learning -- with the help of my partner, family and friends -- to transform that instinct for critical self-talk into some serious opportunities for self-love.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about one of the new books that I'm reading, The Happiness Project by author Gretchen Rubin -- who, utilizing wisdom from academics and philosophers alike, lived (and wrote about) a year of integrating different happiness practices in her life.  Last week, after visiting her (pretty fabulous) website, I signed up for her "Happier at Home: 21-Day Relationship Challenge."  Each day, Gretchen sends, via email, a different tip for integrating happiness practices into your relationship -- make sure you check them out, it's not too late to sign up!  The funny thing is that, while I am so inspired in learning new ways to love my partner, her tips are teaching me new ways to love myself!  Only five days into a three-week challenge, I am finding that each of her tips can be transformed into a practice of self-compassion.

Day One: Kiss in the morning, Kiss in the night. Ok, ok, it doesn't directly translate, but the practice of showing yourself and your loved ones affection, does.  Why not use this moment to listen to your body and show it some serious love?  Take a bath, go for a run, take a yoga class.  How do you show your body appreciation and love?

Day Two: Give gold stars.  You make it a habit to verbally affirm those around you, whether they are family, friends or co-workers.  Why not turn it around on yourself?  Take this moment to appreciate one of your strengths.  Say it out loud if you want to -- you need to hear it.

Day Three: Make the positive argument.  One of the first lessons in fair fighting is to never make broad generalizations.  Finding yourself speaking some critical self-talk?  Use this moment to turn it around.  Instead of listening to your internal self-critic as it speaks to your weakness, take this moment to instead focus on what makes you strong.

Day Four: Under-react to a problem.  Ok, so we all screw up, we all have moments of stress or anxiety.  Don't ignore or minimize the responsibilities that you have, but take this moment to breathe and "under-react," facing your stressors or that screw-up from a place of peace and calm.

Day Five: Give warm greetings and farewells. So... I had a harder time applying this directly.  But I realized that, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I rarely take the time to kindly greet myself and speak kindness to my body.  Speak some love -- what do you appreciate about your body?

What about YOU?!  How do you find opportunities to cultivate self-compassion?!

By the way, as it usually happens, my talk with my supervisor had nothing to do with any mistakes that I made.  My critical self-talk and search for flaws was just my shame speaking.

something worth remembering

Dear Human:

You've got it all wrong.  You didn't come here to master

unconditional love.  That is where you came from and where

you'll return.  You came here to learn personal love.

Universal love.  Messy love.  Sweaty love.

Crazy love.  Broken love.  Whole love.  Infused with divinity.

Lived through the grace of stumbling.

Demonstrated through the beauty of... messing up.  Often.

You didn't come here to be perfect.  You already are.

You came here to be gorgeously human.

Flawed and fabulous.

 

.:author unknown:.

beautiful, adored, true.



As this week began, I was certain that I knew what I was going to be blogging about for today's post. 

In moving to Flagstaff, I had made a commitment to wellness and had, for the first few months, carved out a sacred daily ritual, dedicated to healthy eating, daily exercise and soaking up every bit of emotional and spiritual inspiration that I could.  Blessed with the temporary gift of unemployment, I had all the time in the world to dedicate to this new passion.  I felt stronger, empowered. 

A few weeks ago, I began in a new position working for a local non-profit working with families in crisis. Honestly, I love it.  Beyond the true blessing of employment, it is challenging, heart-breaking, inspiring, educational and impactful.  Most days, I drive home inspired to learn more, connect deeply, and engage with everyone I meet in a more authentic way.

However, after months of creating daily rituals, I was jolted by the reality that my routine would completely change.  No longer would I have those long afternoons to read.  No longer could I wake up and workout.  No longer could I count on the basic daily rituals that I had fallen so deeply in love with. As my honey can attest, it was a bit of an emotional speed-bump for me, as I tested the waters of this new reality, missing my most beloved routines and forced to create new ones.  I could not figure out how to get past the loss of my much-loved routines and rituals, could not figure out how to move forward and create new habits.

This past weekend, after weeks of unhealthy, convenience-based eating and a complete lack of exercise, I hit a low point.  I found myself staring at my body in the mirror, thinking thoughts that I would not think about my worst enemies (not that I have any), and feeling like a true failure.  Where I had once felt strong and empowered, I now held tightly to the soft skin on my sides, feeling disgusted and discouraged.  My sweetheart held me, whispering softly that he wished that I loved myself as much as he did.

As the days passed and I slowly climbed out of that darkeness, struggling to remember my worth, I thought that I would be writing today about failure, redemption, starting over.

But then...

Victoria's Secret reminded me that I am beautiful, worthy, whole.

Let me explain.

Until Wednesday night, I had never seen the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.  Honestly, I'm not sure that I even really knew that it existed until a few weeks ago, when my sweetheart and I were talking about one of his classroom discussions.  Many of the women had expressed how deeply affected they were each year when watching the VS Fashion Show, the skantily-clad and unrealistically skinny models convincing them year after year that they were less-than-enough, unworthy in comparison to our society's vision of perfection.  As the event approached, I saw similar sentiments expressed through social networks, Facebook statuses and tweets of women preparing themselves for the self-esteem smack-down they expected to receive.

And so, it was with a true psychological interest that I tuned in.  I am not sure what I expected to experience, but all I could think, the models strutting down the runway, was this...

I am beautiful. The women on TV, they too are beautiful. But my worth is not defined by their proportions. Watching the models, decked out in angel wings and lacy lingerie, I was remind that I am real, I am whole. When my sweetheart wraps his arms around me, love-handles and all, it is not my measurements that define his love.  While it's nice to hear, I don't need anyone else to remind me of my worth. My body, while cushioned and curvy, is beautiful, real, authentically me.  And to wish that I was anyone else is to deny that I am beautiful, adored, true.

"love your body the way your mother loved your baby feet
and brother, arm wrapping shoulders, and remember,
this is important:
you are worth more than who you f*ck
you are worth more than a waistline
you are worth more than any naked body could proclaim
in the shadows, more than a man's whim
or your father's mistake
you are no less valuable as a size 16, than a size 4
you are no less valuable as a 32A than a 36C,
your sexiness is defined by concentric circles within your wood;
wisdom."

 

-mary lambert, i know girls (bodylove) -

love thyself

"... we can only love others as much as we love ourselves."

Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Everyday, at 5:00pm, my alarm goes off on my phone and blinks the word, "kindness."  More than just announcing the end of the classic work day, this little reminder is one of the ways that I actively work to love myself.  My youngest sister calls this my "say-something-nice" time -- a moment where the rest of the world freezes, and I take a split second to appreciate and honor who I am with the tiniest little inward expression of kindness.  God bless her little heart, she's jumped on the bandwagon, too, choosing to use my 5pm reminder to speak kindness to me.  Just the other day, while we were Skyping (what a beautiful, miraculous invention!), she said that she wanted to give me my compliment in advance, bringing me close to tears when she told me, "I love seeing you smile... oh, and you do a really good job cutting [the boyfriend's] hair."  

Which, by the way, I do.

The truth is that I have a habit of being my own worst critic.  Every tiny flaw, every little blemish, every moment of imperfection -- my instinct is to seize it and use it to further prove to myself that I am not enough.  Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not successful enough, not good enough... on and on.  And I know that I am not the only one.

We live in a society where we are never enough, and, despite the narcissistic leanings of our culture, the "love" that we may have for ourselves is oftentimes a mask for the shame, insecurity and fear of being "not enough."  We cake on our make-up, bulk up our muscles, and stroke our egos.  I think of our usage of social networks, the masks that we carefully reveal to the world, and the inner comparisons of our daily lives to others' "highlight reel."  Our "love" is the armor we put on when we don't believe that we are worthy of being loved, even by ourselves.  Even more than that, we are taught that to appreciate the deeply beautiful parts of ourselves is to break some fundamental societal rule.  Ask almost anyone and they will tell you ten things that they think are wrong with them before opening up with what is most right with them.  To appreciate our greatest qualities is an act of vulnerability, to do it in public a frightening rebellion against the norm.  We've confused humility with self-deprecation.  We somehow believe that loving others means denying ourselves the same compassion.  

There was a point, about a year ago, when I was just fed up, exhausted even, with how I treated myself.  I was my own bully.  It was heartbreaking and internally degrading.  But I felt tied to this pattern of self-deprecation, confused about how to truly love myself without being "in love" with myself.  There was something almost scary about entertaining the idea of loving who I was and an unhealthy comfort in the familiarity of the shame I experienced -- like opening that door to love would be more work, more pain.

And guess what?  I was right.  Opening that door sucked, in a way.  But it was worth the work, worth the pain in the discovery of unhealthy patterns and relationships, worth the painstaking unveiling of the greatest parts of who I am.  And it has left me with deep gratitude.  I am grateful for a remarkable therapist who inspired my "say-something-nice" reminders, which, by the way, began as a three-times-a-day practice.   I am grateful for the reminders from family and friends to be kind to myself.  And guess what else?  I am finding that I am grateful for who I am, as well.  

To truly love others, to be in whole, complete, vulnerable and compassionate relationship with others, requires that we first love ourselves.  When I actively practice self-love, my relationships with others are deepened.  It changes the way that I love my partner, my family, my closest friends.  And, hey, if that weren't enough, I'm just plain happier.  It's transformative.  In fact, studies show that self-compassion (which goes beyond the highly touted self-esteem) could be the "key to unlocking your true potential," as well as a barrier against anxiety.

As for me, my daily "say-something-nice" time is only one weapon in my arsenal of self-compassion.  How about you?  What weapons are in your arsenal? 

"should"

Stop "should-ing" yourself.  I could NOT have said it better.

With love, 

A perpetual "should-er"

when things fall apart

Good evening, my beautiful friends!  I hope that you had a lovely Labor Day weekend and are settling sweetly into another week.  This past weekend, my dearest and I had a full weekend, traveling to Phoenix for a couple of days for an extended-family Labor Day picnic followed up with a hike through the Lava Tubes just north of Flagstaff!  It was so lovely to get out and do something active on such a beautiful weekend, especially after a whirlwind couple of days down south.  Plus, it was strenuous enough to definitely count for a workout!  What about you?!

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Via ModCloth

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One of my recent subjects of contemplation over the past few weeks (yes, I know... there are quite a few!) has been about what happens when the decision you've made, the effort you've invested or the changes you've begun seem to have been in vain.  You can't see a result, you've hit a wall, you've failed (or at least convinced yourself that you have).  For me, there is an ingrained fear within... that I'll make a mistake, end up disappointed, or feel as though I have failed.  And there is a survival instinct within me that tells me to hide, to stay small, to choose only the paths that are assured and known.  A little voice speaks, saying, "Don't make a mess, don't make a change.  You may want more out of life, but you don't know how it will turn out.  Stay where you know." Fortunately, there is also a courageous voice, one that SHOUTS to be bold, make mistakes, and choose the messiness of life in its fullness.

The truth is that bold choices sometimes leave us prostrate, face-down on the floor, as we've tripped and fallen, made a mistake or "failed."  Maybe your business plan, the one you've put your blood, sweat, and tears into, halts to a stop.  Maybe you've made drastic changes to your lifestyle, quit smoking, changed your diet, made daily exercise a priority, whatever it might be... and still don't see results.  Maybe a relationship ends.  Maybe you wake up one day and realize that the career-plan you've envisioned for yourself isn't what you're meant for.  With bold living comes the risk of failure.  In an attempt to live more courageously, more fully, we are bound to make mistakes.  We are hurt, disappointed, discouraged.

But the greater truth is that these mistakes are the seeds of beautiful, courageous fruit (sounds delicious, doesn't it?).  Our mistakes, failures, rejections - whatever it is that you want to call them - they are gold for learning and growth.  We are supposed to make mistakes, it's part of the human existence.  Even the fabulously wise (nerd alert!) Albus Dumbledore said, "I make mistakes like the next man.  In fact, being -- forgive me -- rather cleverer than most men, my mistakes tend to be correspondingly huger." 

It's not easy to get up and try again. I am an intense perfectionist -- every mistake, every failure, every disappointment... it knocks me down hard (sometimes for days or weeks... honestly). I take my disappointments to heart, and it takes a huge step of internal courage to shake it off.   And there is fear in that.  To change my career path, my home, my lifestyle -- there is fear in that risk.  What if I don't succeed?  What if I struggle financially, emotionally, physically?  There are days when my new commitment to wellness doesn't seem like it's doing anything.  There are days when I don't know if I will reach my career goals.  But, ultimately, I have the choice between living a life of fear - scared to make a mistake, scared to take a risk - or to live boldly, courageously, wholly.  Each mistake, failure, rejection, wall you hit, is a building block for success.  As Henry Ford says, "The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing."  I know that it might seem cliche, but positive change creates positive results.  Bold living means taking a risk - facing the fear of failure or disappointment - but it's this bold living that creates courageous success.  

Whatever positive, bold moves you are making -- remember that you are courageous and strong, strong enough to fail big.  Let go of that fear.  Step into the possibilities for greater learning and growth.  Make some huge mistakes and surprise yourself with your success, even when it doesn't look like you thought it would.  

"Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor."

Truman Copote

Jay Roeder via Positive Inkling