the gift of siblings

Smack dab between Mother's Day and Father's Day, here is an article that celebrates the crazy ones that make us who we are, see us as we are, and love us as we are.

"With a friend, I have to be more articulate.  With my sisters (and brother), I can be my most primal self: inarticulate, childishly emotional.  I'll have a fight with my sister and say, 'O.K., I know we're in a fight, but I need your advice on something,' and we can just put the fight on hold. They're the only people in the world you can be your worst self with and they'll still accept you."

love's forms

This past Saturday, my sweetheart and I celebrated a belated Valentine's Day.  True to the values of our relationship, we made it low key, chatting leisurely over a cup of coffee and settling in for pizza at a neighborhood hangout.  While I have never been one for the classic romantic Valentine's Day celebration, I have always loved, well, LOVE.  I am fascinated by relationship, captivated by deep vulnerability, and encouraged as I watch families, partners and friends walk through broken hearts, tension and intense challenge.  I am enlivened by the joy found only in authentic relationship, deeply moved by displays of genuine affection, and grateful everyday for the great loves in my life.

Whether or not you celebrate Valentine's Day, whether it's with a partner, good friends, or on your own, and despite the red and white distractions perched on store shelves, for me, the day provides an opportunity to reflect on love in all its forms.

I have been ridiculously lucky in love.  I'm not talking about romantic love, though my many years of singleness have certainly paid off with my very handsome honey.  

For me, my great loves, my true loves... well, they're my family.  Hilarious and warm, my story only makes sense in the context of their ridiculous humor and deep and unconditional love.  I don't even know if there are words to express how true and deep and foundational my love is for them.  From them, I inherited the most foundational parts of who I am: my humor, my compassion, my ability to be angry and love deeply simultaneously.  From them I learned that I am wholly and unconditionally loved, priceless, worthy.  In no way are we perfect, cursed by the same pain, separation and heartache that most families face, our story deepened by grief and loss, my parents' separation, and our individual challenges.  But the love is deep, the forgiveness real, and the gratitude unending.  In a month where sappy romantic love is idealized, the fairy tale ending - chock full of Bachelor-esque grandiosity - glorified, it is the simplicity of our family's love that leaves me speechless.

I am strikingly aware that what we have is rare, that family is chosen and not always born. And my deepest hope is that you too get to share your life and your love with your great loves, whoever they might be.

P.S. This is where I come from.

love embodied.

letting go of Hollywood

A couple of weeks ago, I finally conned my honey into watching "Christmas Vacation".  (I know what you're thinking, who has to con someone into watching that masterpiece of a Christmas movie?!  But my dear sweetheart is a die-hard reality fan and so it takes time to convince him to watch a holiday flick rather than the latest episode of "Amazing Race".)  And, as things often do, the movie set off some holiday reflection for me. 

Basically, it comes down to this: I am Clark Griswold.

Ok, a younger, prettier, much more feminine (and probably not so angry) version of Clark Griswold.  Thanks to all of the perfect Hollywood Christmases I've watched year-after-year and, honestly, a really hilarious, joy-filled childhood (that would be me you see in that photo above wearing the always-fashionable tree-skirt... yes, the tree-skirt was a part of my traditional holiday garb), I have in my head what the holidays are supposed to look like.  The perfect tree.  The warm lights.  The perfect family photo.  The smells and sounds and traditions (all with their own Christmas soundtrack playing in the background... cue the Bing Crosby). 

But, like Ellen Griswold says to Clark, the pictures in my head, the "perfect" Christmas, well, they are ideals that no family could live up to... it's a myth.  Those high (and ridiculously unrealistic) expectations lead to disappointment and heartbreak (and sometimes tears), rather than the joy and gratitude that I so wish to cultivate.  Time and time again, I build pictures in my mind, all of my hopes and wishes and expectations thrown into one red and green basket.  And time and time again, my reality looks different. 

But, the coolest thing is that, if I put aside those idyllic Hollywood moments, the reality is better than anything I could conjure up.  Being present to my family, friends and partner creates moments that could never be replicated on the big screen.  Should my parents have attempted to plan the perfect Hollywood Christmas moments, I am sure they would have never included their daughters donning their tree skirt (a tradition that was passed down to my youngest sister just a few short years ago... the tree skirt is in well-loved tatters at this point).  Or those times when we dressed up in matching Christmas outfits and lipsyched to the Spice Girls.  Or sleepovers in each other's rooms on Christmas Eve, only to be jolted awake on Christmas morning by my brother and sister blasting Mariah Carey's Christmas album. 

The reality is that putting up the tree has always been a pain, and our family photos always have at least one moment of awkwardness in them.  Christmas morning has always been messy, the wrapping paper filling up nooks and crannies for days to follow.  And we never get enough sleep.  But the reality is so much better than anything that I could possibly imagine.  I work to remember that as I create new traditions, spend new holiday moments with my wonderful (and incredibly patient) sweetheart.

This morning, as I step off the plane in Seattle, ready for a much-too-short weekend of family and friends, I am actively working to be present, to not let myself get wrapped up in hopes and wishes but to let myself be grateful for the moment.

the anxiety closet

For many of us, the holiday season is filled with stress and anxiety, family expectations and painful traditions.  Here's an beautiful, authentic article about how to move past our anxiety this holiday season.  Hint: it has something to do with seeing past ourselves.

the family drama

For many of us, rather than Hollywood's version of idyllic family togetherness, the holiday season means awkward, stressful and sometimes painful family interactions... even just the anticipation of those family get-togethers can be anxiety-producing.

Here's a great article about how to work through those tough family moments during the holiday season!

Wishing you joy and peace.

xx

a season of health

Photo credit: K. Krueger, 2012

Happy Friday, friends!

It feels as though it has been an eternity since my last substantial post -- though, I'll be honest, I was so grateful to take a week off and really be present during the Thanksgiving holiday.  We drove down to Phoenix and spent the most relaxing weekend with family and friends.  On Thanksgiving Day, my honey and I both unplugged from phones, computers and social media (other than phone calls to my amazing family in Seattle and New York), and it was the most beautiful blessing.  Such a freeing experience to be fully present to the moment!  Crazy enough, it was almost a culture shock to return to it all the day after!

The most beautiful part of the weekend?! (Other than fabulous family and friends, of course.)

We have "officially" entered the most wonderful time of the year!  It might seem ridiculous, it might seem cheesy... but I am a certified holiday nutcase (which should come as no surprise to most of you).  And, while I'll be honest and admit that I snuck in my fair share of Christmas tunes before the Thanksgiving holiday, I feel like I am finally free to let my Christmas-loving, winter-adoring flag fly high!  There are moments, the ones where I am twirling to Christmas music or find myself filled with childlike wonder at a holiday display, that I catch my sweetheart staring at me, eyes laughing and a huge smile across his face as he watches his love captured by the joy of the season.  Each day, when I get to return home after a day of work to light candles and curl up, basking in the light of the Christmas tree, I am filled with gratitude and warmth.  The living room is decked out in holiday joy and my sketchbook is covered with wintery and hopeful inspiration.  It's the joy that makes even the coldest days a little warmer.

But my deep love for this season inspires in me an even greater appreciation for its flip-side.  Hidden within the glittery trappings of the Christmas season, there lies a pervasive sadness, filled with consumerism, anxiety, loneliness and poverty.  For many of us, this is the most painful time of the year.  Holiday stressors - both material and emotional - cause many of us (myself included) to react in destructive ways, many of which are socially accepted during this time of year. We spend a fortune, losing ourselves in overcrowded malls trying to find the biggest, best, newest gifts. We indulge ourselves in delicious foods - hiding our stress in emotional eating. We use substances to numb our anxiety. We turn inward rather than finding connection in community. And, in my opinion, some of it is only natural. For many of us, this season, while bright and light and joyful on the outside, also contains some of our most painful memories.  Those internalized family traumas, the disappointment of unrealized hopes, the painful reality of financial and emotional strain.

This month, as the holiday triggers present themselves in very real ways, I am inspired to explore - with you by my side - how to find, maintain and thrive through emotional and physical health. 

For me, my anxiety presents itself in the desire to eat every sweet in sight (and there are so many delicious ones!), and I am only now learning how to create healthy habits to combat my desire to drown my stress in sugar.  Whether its family anxiety, financial pressure or just the sadness we can't place, there are so many ways to create healthy habits rather than allowing ourselves to be victim to destructive reactions and patterns!

What about for you?! As you look inward, where do you desire to grow this month? Share in the comments below!

pillows from heaven

Photo Credit: P. McCarthy, 2012

Last weekend, winter came to call.  Since moving to this sleepy little town, the weather has been insanely consistent and ridiculously mild -- almost three months of 60-70 degree days, full sunshine and almost no rain (a shock to the system for a little Seattleite like myself).  It's been just plain lovely for a girl who loves walks outside, is almost always inappropriately chilly, and soaks up the chance for a long bike ride.  But, almost overnight, Jack Frost and his wintery companions have arrived.  As you can see by the gorgeous photograph taken by my ridiculously talented sweetheart, winter has come.

And I love it.

I have been craving the cold, desperately wishing for the days where creamy hot cocoa, cozy sweaters and cuddling up together under a blanket are finally deemed appropriate.  As a winter holiday nutcase (I wish that I was overstating that...), I have been impatiently waiting for the weather to catch up to my holiday inspiration!  Despite the fact that we finally had to turn the thermostat on and my car is encased in a fresh layer of frost each morning, I am deeply grateful for this change of pace.  

If you've followed toliveboldly, you know that I am deeply passionate about health and wellness, about healthy nutrition and an active lifestyle (I am also deeply passionate about delicious food... but I haven't gone there with you all, yet).  This week, however, I am going to break stride and share with you the delicious fruits of my wintery inspiration.

Courtesy of years of toasty-warm nights in the kitchen with my unbelievably talented cook-of-a-mother, wintery weather inspires within me a deeply nostalgic craving for baking... for the scent of sugary dough, the warmth emanating from the oven, the rhythm of the mixer in my hands.  This past weekend, armed with one of my favorite recipes and a hankering for some kitchen experimentation, I let my inner-baker run wild -- and was unbelievably pleased (and incredibly stuffed) with the results.  

On Tuesday, I began a new position working in individual and family services at a local non-profit here in Flagstaff.  It has been exciting, inspiring, heartbreaking, and... overwhelming.  In lieu of my typical post, and in order to rest, renew and enjoy some quality time with my sweetheart, I wanted to share with you the delicious fruits of a snow-filled weekend of warmth and joy.  

One of the easiest (and most delicious) cookie recipes I have ever found, its mastermind, Paula Deen, calls these Chocolate Gooey Butter Cookies, but I prefer to call them Pillows from Heaven, because really... that's what they are.

Wishing you warmth, joy and peace wherever you are. XO.

--------------------------------------------

Chocolate Gooey Butter Cookies

aka Pillows from Heaven

modified only slightly from a recipe by Paula Deen

I wish there were more cookies to show you...

But these are what's left. Or were left when I took the picture. 

I might have had three while typing this. 

They are THAT good.

-----------------

You'll need...

8 ounce brick of cream cheese* 

1 stick butter*

(*HINT: recipe calls for both cream cheese and butter

to be at room temperature, but I have found that the

batter works better when they are melted together for about

30 seconds in the microwave*)

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1 egg

18 oz. box moist cake mix**

(**HINT: Paula's recipe calls for moist chocolate cake mix,

but you can use your favorite!  We've experimented with 

chocolate fudge cake mix, milk chocolate cake mix, and, 

believe it or not, Funfetti cake mix! All have been DELICIOUS,

but Funfetti might have been my favorite!)

confectioners sugar

-----------------

Directions...

In large bowl, with an electric mixer, cream cream cheese and butter 

until smooth. Beat in egg, vanilla and cake mix, one at a time, 

in that order.

Cover and chill in fridge for 2 hours.

After 2 hours, preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Uncover and roll batter into tablespoon-sized balls and 

roll in confectioners sugar.  Arrange 2-inches apart on cookie sheet.

Bake for 12 minutes.  

Cookies should be soft and gooey-looking! YUM!

Cool completely - they are honestly best after a couple of hours - and enjoy!

today, i am grateful for...

Nestled neatly on his desk, amongst the papers, pens and picture frames, my sweetheart keeps a daily calendar.  A beloved Christmas present from my dad, the calendar contains daily quotes from NBC's "The Office."  The other day, as we were flipping through the previous weeks' moments of pure Office hilarity, we hit upon this gem.  Now, to be totally honest, I have no idea what happened here or what episode it's from, but something in the interaction spoke deeply to me. 

I have a dirty little secret (other than the 15 mini candy bar wrappers I threw away in the dumpster this morning... whoops, did I just share that?!).  Sometimes, I seriously suck at communicating.  

Just two days ago, over dinner, my honey and I experienced our own little version of Pam and Oscar's conversation (...in this case, I'd be Oscar).  Here's how it played out (the short version... the long version is a sad and drawn-out mess of communication dysfunction, on my part).  

I am overwhelmed.  Don't say anything.  I am stressed.  Don't say anything.  Phone rings, texts beep, remember I had forgotten to send an email, overwhelming feeling increases.  Don't say anything.  Honey asks for a favor, I say yes.  Still don't say anything.  Go oddly quiet.  Honey knowingly asks what is wrong.  I explode in a snotty mess of tears.  He asks me to share, patiently waiting while I work through the spectrum of emotions.  I blame, accuse, collapse and finally admit... he wraps his arms around me.  I sob, forcing out the words: "I don't know how to share."  

He, of course, knows this already.

Don't get me wrong, most days, I'm on my communication game.  My honey and I work in unison, opening up, growing in loving honesty, cultivating gratitude for one another and our partnership.  We are 3 steps ahead, seeing potential problems, sharing with vulnerability.  I catch my partner's pass, respond with compassion, see where our relationship needs to grow and make it happen.  

But some days... I am not.  And, to be totally honest, the same can be said of my partner.  We fumble.  We miss a pass.  Or worse... there are days when we don't even show up for the game.  It's on days like this that we have to revisit the game tape and figure out where we went wrong.

It's days like this when I am grateful for the gift of forgiveness.

I am deeply inspired by my friends and family who are using this month leading up to Thanksgiving as a time to cultivate gratitude.  Whether it's through pictures on Instagram, statuses on Facebook, or the fundamental act of cultivating gratitude in real-time (hint, hint, life-changing stuff), I am encouraged, enlivened and inspired by the life-giving fruits of appreciation and thanksgiving.  As Brene Brown writes, "Practicing gratitude is how we acknowledge that there's enough and that we're enough."

Today, I am grateful for the deeply personal gift of forgiveness.  I am grateful for a partnership where commitment, compassion and trust encourage us through the sometimes messy work of growing in relationship with one another.  I am grateful for my relationships with family and friends, created on the foundation of unconditional love and open to growth and change.  I am so thankful for their continual love, support and strength.  Especially on those days that I don't show up as my best self... and even on those days that I do.

What about you, my dear friends?  What are you grateful for today?

a little light for your day

As you'll see, this is not the typical video that I would post here at toliveboldly -- But I received a lovely reminder about this beautiful video from one of the greatest men in my life (my brother)... which just reminded me about how wonderful he is and how blessed I am to be his older sister.  It encapsulates so much about the human reality, love, death, family, life and joy... I hope that you enjoy this little bit of light.