the potential of what might be

"A ship is safe in harbor,

but that's not what ships are for."

 

Warning: ugly admission approaching. 

 

I hate not being in control. 

 

It probably makes me sound like a crazy person, but, hey, that's the risk in being vulnerable, right?  I don't mean to say that I'm a raging control-freak or anal to the point of being maniacal... but there is a part of me that tenses at the unknown, an anxiety when confronted with the uncontrollable.  I fast-forward movies to know how the conflict resolves.  My monthly financial freak-outs result in hours of financial organization and pages of projected income/expense worksheets.  I am the queen of to-do lists, grocery lists, packing lists. 

 

I hate not being in control.

 

A few months ago, I began a new position working with a local social service agency here in Flagstaff.  Honestly, I love it.  It's challenging, enlivening, and awakens my creativity.  While our agency is huge and serves the vulnerable in our community in any number of ways, my role, as an in-home family support specialist, is quite specific.  I, along with my team, work with families that have been referred to us by state agencies, stepping-in in the their moment of crisis to stabilize the family and work through underlying issues.  Even on those days when it feels like our interventions are hitting a wall, I feel completely engaged in the challenge to transform.

 

However, like most social service non-profits, we are beholden to a larger financial structure... one that has been hit hard by budget cuts and economic depression.  Despite the work that we do, we are threatened with downsizing, lay-offs and more.  And, to be completely honest, as a planner, it's been... well, tough.  I play with the possibilities in my head, working out the logistics of each possible outcome.  I stress about the finances, consider other alternatives, question whether I should, in fact, be doing this work. 

 

But, over the weeks, my anxieties have transformed into a practice of letting go.  Where I once spent most of my time working out the options in my head, weighing each possibility and trying to find ways to control the outcomes, I finally realized that the truth is that... I am not in control.  While, yes, we can budget a little tighter, go out to dinner a little less, find ways to plan meals that capitalize on savings, I have to, sometimes daily, remind myself that I am not in control.  And, while I don't know what will happen tomorrow, or next week, or next month, the truth is that, at this moment, despite the unknown of the future, I have the choice to live with joy.  To realize that I love my life, my job, my family and my friends.  To be assured that, whatever comes down the pipeline, I am blessed, gifted and held. 

 

Believe me, it's not easy.  Many days, my anxieties get the best of me, my mind whirring on overdrive with logistics and outcomes.  But I remind myself that what comes will come and, whatever the outcome, today I get to practice letting those anxious urges go and just be present.  Instead of holding on, desperately grasping for control, I have the opportunity to open up and make room for the potential of what might be, potential that would be held captive by my quest for the knowledge of what comes next.

 

I hate not being in control.  But I'm working on it.

 

"You do not need to know precisely what is happening,

or exactly where it is all going.

What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges

offered by the present moment,

and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope."

-Thomas Merton-