love thyself

"... we can only love others as much as we love ourselves."

Brene Brown, Daring Greatly

Everyday, at 5:00pm, my alarm goes off on my phone and blinks the word, "kindness."  More than just announcing the end of the classic work day, this little reminder is one of the ways that I actively work to love myself.  My youngest sister calls this my "say-something-nice" time -- a moment where the rest of the world freezes, and I take a split second to appreciate and honor who I am with the tiniest little inward expression of kindness.  God bless her little heart, she's jumped on the bandwagon, too, choosing to use my 5pm reminder to speak kindness to me.  Just the other day, while we were Skyping (what a beautiful, miraculous invention!), she said that she wanted to give me my compliment in advance, bringing me close to tears when she told me, "I love seeing you smile... oh, and you do a really good job cutting [the boyfriend's] hair."  

Which, by the way, I do.

The truth is that I have a habit of being my own worst critic.  Every tiny flaw, every little blemish, every moment of imperfection -- my instinct is to seize it and use it to further prove to myself that I am not enough.  Not pretty enough, not smart enough, not successful enough, not good enough... on and on.  And I know that I am not the only one.

We live in a society where we are never enough, and, despite the narcissistic leanings of our culture, the "love" that we may have for ourselves is oftentimes a mask for the shame, insecurity and fear of being "not enough."  We cake on our make-up, bulk up our muscles, and stroke our egos.  I think of our usage of social networks, the masks that we carefully reveal to the world, and the inner comparisons of our daily lives to others' "highlight reel."  Our "love" is the armor we put on when we don't believe that we are worthy of being loved, even by ourselves.  Even more than that, we are taught that to appreciate the deeply beautiful parts of ourselves is to break some fundamental societal rule.  Ask almost anyone and they will tell you ten things that they think are wrong with them before opening up with what is most right with them.  To appreciate our greatest qualities is an act of vulnerability, to do it in public a frightening rebellion against the norm.  We've confused humility with self-deprecation.  We somehow believe that loving others means denying ourselves the same compassion.  

There was a point, about a year ago, when I was just fed up, exhausted even, with how I treated myself.  I was my own bully.  It was heartbreaking and internally degrading.  But I felt tied to this pattern of self-deprecation, confused about how to truly love myself without being "in love" with myself.  There was something almost scary about entertaining the idea of loving who I was and an unhealthy comfort in the familiarity of the shame I experienced -- like opening that door to love would be more work, more pain.

And guess what?  I was right.  Opening that door sucked, in a way.  But it was worth the work, worth the pain in the discovery of unhealthy patterns and relationships, worth the painstaking unveiling of the greatest parts of who I am.  And it has left me with deep gratitude.  I am grateful for a remarkable therapist who inspired my "say-something-nice" reminders, which, by the way, began as a three-times-a-day practice.   I am grateful for the reminders from family and friends to be kind to myself.  And guess what else?  I am finding that I am grateful for who I am, as well.  

To truly love others, to be in whole, complete, vulnerable and compassionate relationship with others, requires that we first love ourselves.  When I actively practice self-love, my relationships with others are deepened.  It changes the way that I love my partner, my family, my closest friends.  And, hey, if that weren't enough, I'm just plain happier.  It's transformative.  In fact, studies show that self-compassion (which goes beyond the highly touted self-esteem) could be the "key to unlocking your true potential," as well as a barrier against anxiety.

As for me, my daily "say-something-nice" time is only one weapon in my arsenal of self-compassion.  How about you?  What weapons are in your arsenal? 

crazy cool holiday

Happy National LOVE YOUR BODY Day!  In honor of loving ourselves and appreciating our bodies, be honest: what three things do you love about your body?!

dare greatly

Happy Friday, my dearest friends!  

I can't begin to tell you how beautiful it is today here in our little mountain town -- Autumn has arrived!  The leaves are turning, the sky is clear and the air is deliciously crisp!   We're finally bundled in warm sweaters and blankets, drinking in all of the autumnal wonderfulness (not to mention my fair share of tea and Pumpkin Spice Lattes).

Photo credit: Kate Krueger

As I have mentioned before, one of the biggest blessings to arise from this blogging experience has been in reconnecting with old and very dear friends -- the kind where you can not talk or see each other for months or years and, in coming back together, can connect on an even deeper level.  I am truly honored and beyond grateful.  

One of these beautiful souls is a woman that I call my "heart twin" -- for many reasons beyond the fact that we were both born on the 27th of October (or, as my parents like to call it, 'the day that life began.').  I could go on and on about her lovely and compassionate heart (but she's heard it all from me before).  She, like me, is obsessed with books, and mentions of our favorites are regular occurrences in our emails.  This year, for our birthday, she sent me -- from almost 20,000 miles away -- a book that I have been beyond desperate to read: Daring Greatly, by one of my favorite researchers (and regular toliveboldly resource), Brene Brown.

While I have had the urge to just inhale the words (yes, it's that good), there is so much inspiration housed within the pages that I have been forcing myself to slow down, even reading some of the chapters twice while I underline and fill the margins with notes.  My mind is percolating with inspiration, and my heart is challenged by her call to vulnerability and authenticity.  

Instead of writing my usual post, I wanted to limit my words and share with you Brene's inspiration for Daring Greatly, by a man who was also, believe it or not, born on the 27th of October.  I have read it at least a dozen times and each time it speaks to me in a different way (oftentimes, moving me to tears).  I would love to hear your thoughts, my dearest friends, and hope that it inspires you, as well. Have a beautiful weekend, and remember to be kind to yourselves.

"The Man in the Arena"

"Citizenship in a Republic"

Theodore Roosevelt

April 23, 1910 * Paris, France 

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out 

how the strong man stumbles, 

or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,

whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again.

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;

but who does actually strive to do the deeds;

who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions,

who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,

and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly..."

a mindful diet

Happy Wednesday!

I am so excited to share this little tidbit with you all!  As you all know, I'm always on the lookout for new research regarding health and wellness, and, while I am most certainly not an expert, I am so inspired by some new research in healthy living: mindful eating.

To live holistically, fully, boldly, requires presence, mindfulness.  And research shows that to bring the concept of mindfulness -- a foundational aspect of whole living practices like meditation and yoga -- to our eating can transform our diets.  This transformation reawakens our instincts for healthy portion sizes and creates new avenues for the greater rewards of emotional stability and joyful living!

Check it out and tell me what you think!  Mindful Eating and the Psychology of Feeling Full.

the American epidemic

Image via Obesity in America, Huffington Post

from a certified sweet tooth.

"We need to get rid of all the junk food here.  When I'm working out regularly, I don't even want to eat crappy food.  I just want to feel this healthy all the time."

- my sweetheart -

You heard it here first, folks.  The mind/body/food connection at work, from the mouth of a certified sweet tooth. 

between body and mind

I'll be honest, I have been the queen of procrastination with writing this week, due to a combination of way too much thinking (and overthinking), the presidential debate (and the resulting political nausea), and the laziness found only in making very poor health choices.

After a week of recovering from a cold, very little exercise and seven days of pity-me-I'm-sick desserts, we drove down to Phoenix for a couple of days with the honey's parents.  Now, there are three things that I have learned about my eating habits.  One, I have no sense of moderation.  With sweets or good bread?  Mmm... I can't stop myself if they're in the house.  Two, while my metabolism-gifted sweetheart can eat anything and still be fit, I... cannot.  That aforementioned lack of moderation comes into play here.  No good comes from my addiction to sweets and delicious carbohydrates.  And, three... my relationship with my body has a direct correlation to what I'm putting in my body.

... And this weekend was proof enough.  An unbalanced diet, high on the processed carbs, multiple trips through the drive thru, and sweets on sweets on sweets... let's just say that I returned home with a high fat hangover - nauseated and exhausted. Five days later, and the mention of greasy food still turns my stomach.  But beyond the physical effects of my poor dietary choices (which cannot be underestimated) were the psychological and emotional effects of a week so deeply in contrast to my normal health habits.

Even more striking than my newfound lack of energy and new friend, nausea, which hung around for several days into a healthy-habits-filled week, was the return of my familiar foes, the ones that I hadn't seen for over a month: disappointment, self-hatred and self-pity (have I mentioned how much they suck?!).

I experienced a deep disappointment in myself and a sickening disgust when I thought about my body.  I felt - warning, I'm about to use the f-word - fat and weak, even though, in reality, it couldn't be farther from the truth.  My psyche felt what my body was experiencing, the churning consequences of an unhealthy lifestyle.

Researchers have discovered (and continue to discover) a distinct relationship between our dietary intake and our mental health.  They have found that a diet filled with unhealthy fats, refined carbohydrates and sugars - staples of both fast food and our favorite sit-down restaurants - is directly connected to an increased rate of depression, anxiety and hyperactivity (see article).  Others have found that these same foods undermine your sleep (could have told you that after last week!).  They have discovered, through research, what we instinctively know when we are in attunement with ourselves: our bodies, our minds, our spirits are deeply connected to how we feed ourselves.  

I cannot tell you how much I wish that I could turn back the hands of time and get my week back (and the days of miserable hangover that followed).  Bouncing back from a week, a month, a lifetime of giving into junk food cravings and poor diet choices takes work, not just physically but mentally -- fighting off the internal demons and carbohydrate cravings.  But the beautiful thing is that its never too late to recommit, to yourself, your body, and your future.

My relationship with my body has a direct correlation to what I'm putting in my body.  My week of unhealthy choices transported me temporarily to a place I have been before -- to the land of harsh self-criticism, deep anxiety and exhaustion.  Frankly, I never want to go there again.  Healthy living means a clean existence -- and bold living, whole living flows swiftly from there.

The truth is that the longer you live in the land of unhealthy choices, the harder it is to break that habit.  It's a new month.  The time is now.

For us, October means a commitment to changing our habits.  Changing the way we eat, changing the way we exercise.  What about you?  Where do you need to recommit?

Need some ideas?  What about adding in an afternoon workout in addition to your morning routine?  What about researching ways to eat in season?!  Autumn is a prime season for healthy, antioxidant rich foods.  Maybe you need to cut down on eating out.  Maybe you need to commit to getting more rest (let's face it, most of us fail to get the recommended zzz's).  What about changing your portion sizes?!

Whatever your health goals, start now.  Make your physical, and mental, well-being a priority.  And, as always, please be kind to yourself.